How to move away from brother who's keeping me emotionally hostage

Forums: Family, Hostage, Roommate, Brother, Emotional
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I've been living with my boyfriend and little brother for about 6 years now. My brother is an awful roommate, he's dirty, leaves open wrappers everywhere, usess the same baking pan in the oven over and over again without washing it and leaves it in the oven (knowing fully well that we have bugs), never buys household items, leaves the front door constantly unlocked and ajar when he comes and goes (sometimes I'm home by myself and I'm a woman so I am very scared someone will come in and possibly rob me or worse), he plays video games and yells all the time when he's talking to his online friends sometimes till 5am, comes into my room when I'm not even allowed to step foot in his, never takes any garbage or recycling out and never does any chores etc etc efc
He tried to move out last year abruptly and almost fucked us over by having us scramble around looking for a new place to live and then he suddenly had a break down saying he's sorry he's such a dick to me and that he's depressed, wanted to kill himself and the only reason he's staying alive is because he didn't want me to be sad. I felt awful, forgave him and he said he was going to try to be better. Surprise surprise he didn't change. I've told him time and time again about cleaning up, closing the front door, buying stuff etc but he just doesn't listen. I don't know what to do. Ive honestly had enough. Tonight he thought I wasnt home and I was lying naked in bed with my boyfriend and he just barges in! I'm not even allowed to go in his room at all, he'd freak out and tell at me.
How can I tell him I don't want to be living with him anymore without him threatening to kill himself? I want to live my own life and I can't take being his parent or doormat anymore. I can't even have sex with my boyfriend because I'm scared either my brother will hear us or walk in on us. It's ruining life

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[+3] - jespah - 04/23/2017You're right that he is holding you emotionally hostage. Are your parents still alive? Then talk to them. If not, or if a discussion with your parents proves fruitless, then give your...

@Staceyadams,

This sounds like a horrible situation. I don't understand why you put up with it and I really don't understand why your boyfriend puts up with it. Six years??? What are the ages of the people here? Why would you even have your little brother living with you and your boyfriend? If you (and your boyfriend) can't come up with the willpower to kick the leach out of your home and if you can't overcome the emotional blackmail of the suicide threat and if there's no one else in your family or circle of friends who can help you then I suggest you should all seek counseling.

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Go apt. shopping with him. He needs to know that you are helping him get a place of his own, for his privacy AND yours.

You don't say how old everyone is, but this could go on for YEARS!

What does your boyfriend think? He needs to give your brother a good talk.
Sounds like your brother needs a male to mentor him.

In the meantime he is too emotionally attached to you. How did that happen? (Death of parent?)

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@Staceyadams,

You're right that he is holding you emotionally hostage.

Are your parents still alive? Then talk to them.

If not, or if a discussion with your parents proves fruitless, then give your brother an ultimatum (I don't love these, but I think you'll need to do this): get therapy or get out.

Help him find another place and do 99% of that legwork if necessary, but those are your conditions, he either gets help (which should stem the suicide threats and whatnot, and might help with his cleanliness issues, which can be a sign of depression), or he finds another place to sleep.

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@hightor,

Sorry about not including the ages, my boyfriend and I are both 27 and my brother is 26. I put up with it because my brother and I came from an abusive home and we were each others crutches. He was my best friend when we were younger and literally only had each other. It's hard to let him go since we were so close. Maybe I'll look into counseling, sounds like a idea

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@jespah,

My parents are both alive but we came from an abusive home and we never really forgave them for that. The only reason he started living with me is because he really needed me to get him out of there (he was 20 at the time with no life experience). When we were younger we were best friends and helped each other get through our rough childhood.
I'll definitely look up some therapy for him and hopefully I can have a house meeting. Thanks for your advice!

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How to move away from brother who's keeping me emotionally hostage

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