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Fri 7 Apr, 2017 04:48 pm
My wife and I have been together for sixish years. The first two were pretty rocky, several breakups due to infractions on her part (lieing about marital status, found 20+ fake Facebook accounts with all sorts of drama and shenanigans, refusing to sort out ex husband drama, etc). The last time we split I was planning on making it for good, but found out she was pregnant (stupid on my part). So, I decided to give it another go, things got better for the most part though I still find myself just accepting my role in the relationship because it seems like the right thing to do for the kiddo. A short while ago she finally laid out the ultimatum "we get married or I'm leaving (and leaving the child with me, though it was unspoken)". I've been married and divorced, dealt with the child custody thing and visitation and whatnot, saw what happened with her and her ex and kids, and took the lesser of two evils...And we got married.
Now that we are married she has put her foot down that my female friends need to go. The three of them are former co-workers, contact is fairly limited anyways because of life, we usually try to get together once a week for lunch, coffee, etc. None of them call me, there is the odd text now and then, and I don't do social media. I have zero interest in any of them and it is mutual throughout..No romantic stuff at all between any of us.
When she took this stance, it really irked me, I declined to cut them off and she has pretty much made things miserable around the house because I haven't ditched them. This is particularly challenging for me since the entire relationship is founded on just holding things together so the kiddo doesn't suffer. Generally speaking we get on well, no fighting or hate or anything like that, no passive aggressiveness, no drama, but this thing has caused all of that to happen.
I value these friends because of the social and academic aspects they add to my week. Plus, I've known them longer than I've known her. Lots of history (no romantic)
Anyways, you probably get the gist. Am I out of line to put my foot down on this?
@tibbleinparadise,
The way you explain it here sounds like it's a friendship with this woman friend; have you asked your wife to join you during these lunches? She seems threatened by her.
Exactly what is it that she objects to? Perhaps it's attention from you that she thinks she deserves or desires.
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@tibbleinparadise,
I don't understand marital or romantic partners thinking they have a say about the other person's friendships.
Sounds like you have a marriage of tolerance and that you need to maintain your friendships.
Encourage your wife to have her friendships while you maintain your own.
@PUNKEY,
She 100% wants nothing to do with them and has refused to meet up with us. I've always made sure that our lunches or coffees or whatever are always on "my own time" and would not interfere with our time.
It IS sort of a marriage of tolerance, but I'm not miserable or hugely dissatisfied. The more selfish side of me wishes that I'd let her walk when she threatened, but practically, the timing was terrible (just left my job/career to start my own business) to deal with splitting, custody, financials, etc.
This probably makes me sound like a terrible person. I'm fine with the relationship, even some of the bumps and hiccups, but stuff like this reminds me deeply that I don't really want to be here in the first place.
@tibbleinparadise,
I do know that many times having friends of the opposite sex who are not mutual friends in a marriage can lead to flirting, etc.; however, this doesn't seem to be the case. I would have been upset if this had gone on for years and I had never been included (I would wonder what was going on) but it sounds like you have tried to include her.
Are any of these women married? In relationships, etc? Could you arrange a dinner or something with "another couple" (not focus on it was with any of these 3 women) so that she would meet them in a different atmosphere and perhaps get to know them?
You are in a bad situation.... she seems very demanding and pouts until she gets her way (seems immature). If the above wouldn't work (meeting as couples) maybe you could try to stop trying so hard. Act the same way she is- give her the cold shoulder and act like you really don't care. I admire you for trying to keep things together for your child but honestly it will only be worse when your child is older.... You can't walk on egg shells to please her for the next 15 or so years.
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