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My husband wants a divorce and I don't

 
 
gp61186
 
Reply Wed 8 Feb, 2017 04:08 pm
Two weeks ago my husband told me that he was done with our marriage, had fallen out of love with me, and wanted a divorce. We have been together for 11 years and married for five. I am devastated over this and do not want a divorce. My husband states that due to my frequent blowups that he feels like he's been trying to fix it the entire time. He said that he could never change me and it was only up to me. This experience has been an eye-opening experience for me. I realize that three years ago I lost the person that I loved to be. I used to have so much energy, was very motivated, very grateful and positive. Since my husband had said that he wanted a divorce I have been living with my parents, it is too hard for me to be at my house. I miss my husband a lot and it is hard to not go running back there. My husband feels he has been fighting for our marriage the entire time and that it is too late to save it. I am so open to save my marriage and I feel this fire has lighted inside of me that I want to fight for him. I got the courage to go to my house last night and talk to my husband and let my guard down and poured my heart out to him and revealed all of my flaws and where I went wrong. He states he has seen a huge change in me and he is proud of that. He feels it is too late and that he is done and nothing will be able to change his mind. We only went to to marriage counseling for 2 sessions and he admitted to me last night that he was already checked out before we went. He states he never had the opportunity to find himself and know himself. That he just wants to be single. We talked on the phone for two hours last night and he said it was the best conversation we've ever had. He said that he fell out of love with me and that he's done and that I need to move on. Every fiber of my being and my heart is telling me to fight for him because he is worth the fight. I even suggested to him that we separate so we can each spend time working on ourselves and then start dating each other again to get to know each other. He did not want to do this. I don't know what to do, I don't want to lose him, he's an amazing person. My therapist suggested that I tell him that we not have contact for about a week so I can process our conversation. He agreed to this and said it was fine. Prior to our conversation last night we have been getting along very well and even making jokes with each other. He is convinced that sometimes someone just falls out of love and there's nothing we can do about it. We've lost our spark but I believe that we can get it back. He states that he's going to start seeing a therapist, I don't know if I should be hopeful over this. I am hoping therapy will help him see the light, and by me giving him space, I hope that he will want to reconcile. anyone have experience with this?
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jespah
 
  2  
Reply Wed 8 Feb, 2017 04:26 pm
@gp61186,
I haven't had experience with this and I am not a doctor.

However, he really does sound checked out and digging his heels in. Are you absolutely certain there is no one else? Because to my mind, this sounds an awful lot like someone who wants out and won't listen to anything to make him change his mind - and often that seems to be that someone is going to another.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Wed 8 Feb, 2017 04:31 pm
@gp61186,
It's good that you are both going to see therapists.

It will be useful as you both plan for the future.

You can't fight for someone who doesn't want to be with you. It is possible he's simply grown out of the relationship as it was.

You may be able to be friends in the future. Don't proceed with therapy expecting it though. Use your therapy to help you plan for an independent future. No matter what happens with the marriage, you'll both be better off.
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PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Wed 8 Feb, 2017 09:37 pm
Three years is a long time. Lots of water under the bridge. Too bad that you two didnt avail yourselves of counseling long ago.

He says he wants to be single. That says he has had it OR he has something he wants to do ( another woman?)

Theres too much unknown here. Seek counseling, first separately then together.

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Tiger81
 
  2  
Reply Wed 8 Feb, 2017 10:14 pm
I've been where your husband is and I am sorry to say but in my opinion, when a spouse says its over, it is over. There was nothing my ex could have done to change that, Granted the circumstances were vastly different, but bottom line, when someone is done, they are done.

I feel like he will use therapy to strengthen his position to divorce, not sway him towards reconciling.

But I am in no way a counselor, therapist, etc, and I hope for the best for you
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Iouman
 
  1  
Reply Thu 16 Feb, 2017 12:06 pm
@gp61186,
Give him some space, and perhaps he'll begin to miss you. If you've already done that, then see if you can "hang out as friends" and make a move then.
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