Mon 23 Jan, 2017 11:55 am
Ok, so this is kind of a long, complicated, dramatic situation that I'm gonna try and condense as much as possible. Some background, my current BF and I have known each other since we were 14 (we are 33 now) and actually started kind of dating as teens but his family moved to the west coast (we lived in the east coast) so it didn't work out but we stayed best friends ever since first online and on the phone and once we were older actually visited but we were never single at the same time so nothing happened. Fast forward to last year, when my relationship with someone I loved very much ended suddenly and very violently when he got black out drunk, we had a fight and he fractured my skull, went to jail -he'd never been violent before, I'm still trying to process). My now BF (let's call him Thom) was my rock during the aftermath of everything. He had been single for two years after the girl he had been with and supporting for 10 years suddenly up and told him she'd been cheating and left him for the other dude. Needless to say he had been a mess after that relationship ended. So, after all the stuff happened with my ex he actually just flew to me to help. He paid for my lawyer, he was amazing emotional and financial support while I was hospitalized (I lost my job bc of the incident -I lived in a shitty "right to work" state and Thom comes from money and is also now independently wealthy). About a month after, it became romantic and it got serious kind of fast, especially for me who honestly have never been a LTR type girl (my ex was an anomaly; I'm always more about just having fun than being serious), but I guess all the trauma that had just happened and having been close for so long; I felt in love. We talked things out a lot because even though we have been best friends for so long, we are straight up opposites.
I'm outgoing, boisterous, random and a little messy, and what I really want out of life is to live the **** out of it while I can and make sure I had a blast doing it. I also have my flaws: I'm impulsive, I can be selfish, I can sometimes lack tact when expressing myself because I don't do "feelings" very well. In fact, I am prone to self destructive behavior sometimes when overwhelmed by feelings. I rather just go and party hard than really deal with things (I'm seeing a therapist now to help me with this, I know it's not healthy). He's a very type A person, super organized to the point where he has special times and specific ways to do things and cannot handle it if he doesn't follow it. Honestly, I think he has bit of OCD. Also, he doesn't drink or party in any way, he rather stay in and play video games. We don't even like the same tv shows! (which sounds petty but when you think about it, isn't what you're gonna Netflix with your SO sometimes the most important thing?) Whatever, we talked it all out, how it probably be bizarre but we came to the conclusion that we felt so strongly that we would be stupid not to try to be together. So he asked me to go back out West and move in with him since I don't have anyone anymore where I'm from (I had to cut ties with my mother because she has borderline personality disorder and was abusive and I've basically just been on my own since I was 17. The first month things were good but right off the bat our lifestyles clash: It really doesn't feel like my place still bc he's so particular about everything so I feel like I need to tone a lot of what I would usually do way down and still he feels the need to constantly "suggest" things for me to do his way or for me not to do things I usually do, and his OCD-ness has reached a level where now even just watching him and the very. *******. specific. way he brushes his teeth makes me internally scream. He won't ever let me open my own door which I find bizarre because I just don't understand it, and he knows this, but won't stop. The sex is now only kind of decent (he still finishes too quickly, and I'm really cool about it and we've tried different things to help but now it just feels like a chore to me and after only 6 months I feel that's just a bad sign). Due to more of his "strong suggestions" I'm still not working so I'm completely dependent on him (also a first for me) and I won't lie, it is very comfortable. When I bring up finding a job just to even have something to do it turns into a huge thing because "isn't he taking care of me well enough? I should just take this time and focus on getting healthy after all the **** that happens" and I end the conversation just agreeing with him somehow and it just all keeps going.
Now I came back east for an old friend's funeral this week (I've had a shitty year and then some) by myself and went out with some friends after the wake to our favorite bar to celebrate his life and tell stories, you know? In typical "me" fashion, I did not want to feel anything so alcohol was flowing freely and then I happened to strike up a conversation with an extremely hot dude who happened to also be wearing a Ramones tshirt and we hit it off and you can see where the story goes from there. I expected to wake up feeling like a piece of **** person for doing that but actually I feel guiltier of how not guilty I feel (to the point that I've been hanging out with this dude a lot since then bc he's definitely my kind of people and just really chill. I feel like myself for the first time in MONTHS.
So, obviously I'm not happy in my relationship but I feel like I cannot leave because of so many things: I have nowhere to go right now, I also don't want to be the asshole that crushes him after what he went through, I feel like I owe him after everything he's done.
Internet people. Please help me. What would you do??
(Thank you for reading this whole thing)
Due to more of his "strong suggestions" I'm still not working so I'm completely dependent on him (also a first for me) and I won't lie, it is very comfortable. When I bring up finding a job just to even have something to do it turns into a huge thing because "isn't he taking care of me well enough? ...
I skimmed, I confess. But these sentences leaped out at me.
You are isolated and he is in the process of making you fully dependent upon him. Even if that is for utterly innocent and loving reasons, it still sucks. You need a job. You need friends. You need a life - even if you both stay together.
So tell him he's doing a bang-up job in taking care of you but you still want to get a job. Period (e. g. don't make a federal case of it. Instead, it's see ya in a few hours, honey, I'm off to pound the pavement!
). And then go out and do just that, whether it's flipping burgers or walking dogs or cutting hair or selling shoes or nursing or insurance claims or whatever.
This sort of behavior on his part is exceptionally controlling. Also, while you're at it, talk to your family about going back to them and to your side of the country. Ask for help if you need it.
You know this is going to end, sooner or later. The real question is whether it ends and you live on the east coast or the west coast.
Why don't you just muster up some courage and tell him that you have to move on - that things are not good with you. (You never mentioned if HE'S happy. Did you ever ask?)
You sound like you are resilient and adverturous (or unfocused and restless) so do this guy a favor and leave.
I really think he might even give you the $$ to do that.
I've asked him time and again if he's happy and he says this is the happiest he's ever been and why didn't we do this sooner? I've mentioned feeling restless, bored, needing to get out and all he says is that I need time to heal. And you know, if he's at work I always get the unannounced visits from his sister to "check up on me and how I'm doing."
I don't really know how I can leave, I don't have any family left and like I said, I don't even speak to my mother. This isn't just about me trying to use someone.
Why do both he and his sister think you are in need of someone to check up on you?
Lets see.. simple really.
You are not happy with Thom.
You hung out with a dude and felt better.
Move back, couch surf until you get back into it. Find work, get your own place. And live it up how you want to live. As you already said, thoms not into the same stuff, you feel stifled living with him.
If you feel like you owe him, you also owe it to yourself to move towards happiness rather than put up with less just because you owe him.
Tell him everything. Tell him you are not happy. You want to move back east. Tell him you don't feel like it's your home and you always feel like an annoying guest who has stayed too long.
Party, and put on some Ramones tunes.
"Too tough to die."