My husband moved out today and we are both confused

He needs treatment for addiction. Regardless of whether you, personally, think therapists have helped at all in the past. He needs to go to his primary care physician and get referred to an addiction specialist.

My belief, whether you agree or like it or not, is that you did know something was going on with him, and have chosen to deny it to yourself.

No amount of mouthwash, gum, air freshener etc. could have kept you from knowing he was smoking to the extent that you would call it addictive. If he can go for hours while at home/with you, including sleeping hours, he isn't a heavy smoker, or is enjoying the occassional cigarette.

If you are choosing not to acknowledge you can smell it, even a whiff, on his skin, mouth, clothes, hair, car etc you are also ignoring the signs of his drug use.

You knew he was "drinking a bit much"? In other words, you knew he was really drinking a lot, too much, but for whatever reason need to say "I just didn't realize"

I absolutely believe what your husband said about your seeing it.

I'm not saying he doesn't need help, but you need to acknowledge for both of your sakes you knew something was up.

From the little you wrote, I see patterns of this in other areas of your relationship. You've really thought you've gone an entire year without sex because he was "tired"? Then, instead of exploring that, you make it about yourself saying you've kept yourself in shape, as if that's all it would take.

I don't understand how people can go into a marriage without already deciding the having kids issue. If both people are living this "not sure" stuff, guess what, you'll end up with a kid or 2, then it will be too late for you to decide it was a mistake. But, that happens all the time, so, you're not too different from others that just let nature take its course, and let it make up your mind for you. At this moment this guy doesn't sound like any kind of father material.

The reason he's out of the house is that he feels he can now smoke, drink, take drugs (as if your saying it's "perscription drugs" makes it not as bad), not worry about sex when he really just wants to be under the influence. Because he doesn't have to (unsuccesfully) hide what he's doing. At this moment, he feels a big relief.

Why do I feel so strongly you knew? Because I've been on both sides of it. Both being the abuser and years later saying to someone "You knew, admit it" and being on the end of being barely able to keep it in the road, and it was just easier to pretend another person wasn't doing what I could see with my own eyes. How do I know at the moment he feels relief? Been there too.

Please don't come back with the tired "you don't know me" thing. Yeah, I do know you, and I know your husband. I've met you both many times before.

This is going to take patience on your part.

You must let him go so he can hit "bottom"' i.e. realizes what he has lost due to his drug/alcohol use and gets some help.

In the meantime, attend free Alanon meetings or get into counseling with an addiction specialist counselor.

Find out the definition of enabler and co-dependent. You have accepted addiction and loss of marital intimacy as normal.

Really appreciate all the honest responses - it's on me to fix this at this point.

I guess what I'm trying to ask, further to the point, is if it's worth saving after two people commit to going through drug therapy? At what point should we reassess the relationship or are we both wasting our time?

No it's not. It's up to you to fix yourself.

He has to fix him, if he wants to.

I’m sorry about your situation -- this must be difficult. Don’t blame yourself for your husband’s addiction problem, but encourage him to seek the help he clearly needs. Also, I would suggest you see a counselor -- don’t just give up on your relationship yet, okay? ((Hugs))