Cheating or sexual assault???

Reply Thu 5 Jan, 2017 04:15 pm
As background information, my wife and I have been married for five years. Before we met, she was raped by a previous boyfriend and suffers from PTSD because of it. She was also sexually assaulted by a family member who is a couple of years older than her when they were both young children. A few weeks ago I learned the following and it has me questioning what I should believe and what I should do about it.

The day before Christmas Eve we were cleaning the house. As I was going through a stack of old papers on the bookshelf, I came across one from the hospital. It said that back at the end of May my wife went into urgent care to be tested for possible exposure to STDs. So, I confronted her about why she would need to be tested for STDs. She told me that when she went to her friend's bachelorette party (which was two days before when the paper that I found said she went into urgent care) she got really drunk and the groom-to-be offered to drive her home. I knew this much. She said that while driving her home, this guy kissed her on the cheek. She says she then turned towards him in suprise and he kissed she on the mouth and put his hand up her dress. She kissed him back. Then he pulled over to the side of the road and he undid his pants. She started to give him a blow job. After doing this for a while she stopped and said that she loves me. He then drove her home.

She said that in the situation she felt overwhelmed and that because of her previous sexual trauma, felt like she couldn't say no to this guy. She feels that he took advantage of her and sexually assaulted her when she was too drunk to give consent. I love her and want to believe her but it really hurts. I'm struggling with what to think. Did she cheat on me or did this guy sexually assault her?

It also really hurts that she hid this from me for the last 7 months. She says that she felt so guilty after it happened that she was suicidal. She started going to a therapist a couple of months later. I just assumed that she was seeing the therapist because she was still struggling with the rape by the previous boyfriend.

I want to confront this guy and to tell his now wife what happened. My wife doesn't want me to do this. She is afraid of what people will think of her if they find out. She is also afraid that her friend would do something to retaliate against her.

I definitely don't want a divorce and my wife and I are planning to start couples therapy. Beyond that though I don't know what I can or should do to deal with this.
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Reply Thu 5 Jan, 2017 06:11 pm
Ok, my take on this may differ from others here, but this is how I see it. Some people will claim that someone who is intoxicated is not capable of giving consent. I disagree with that up to a point. In your wife's case, I think intoxicated or not, she consented to what went on. (And I know that with her past, there may be another level to this, but I would think that with her past she would have been more apt to say no than to give in.) Nowhere in what you wrote does it indicate that this guy "forced" her to go down on him. And, if she is to be believed, she stopped before he finished, at least that is how it reads to me. No indication that he forced her to finish him, nothing to indicate that up until that point she was a willing participant.

That said, drinking too much often leads us to do things we would not otherwise do. Lets face it, an intoxicated person is not thinking straight. THIS is what I think went on with your wife. She trusted this guy to get her home, he surprised her by the kiss and without thinking clearly she didn't object. He unzipped and, possibly because she thought, based on her past, that he would force her to give him what he wanted, she initially began oral on him. As the act went on, she had time to think about what she was doing, and stopped and told him to take her home.

Good for you wife for coming to her senses. While it would have been nice to tell you about it sooner, she was likely afraid of how you would react. She was probably upset with herself and maybe even a bit embarrassed. Who knows? Now you could confront this guy or tell his fiancee or whatever, but at this point what good would that do? It won't help you forgive your wife. It won't help repair the trust between the two of you. So let it go.

As an aside, I do think this guy took advantage of your wife and is an absolute asshole for doing so. Any guy who takes advantage of an intoxicated woman who even if she consents may not be thinking clearly, is a disgusting individual. But based on what you wrote, I don't think she was sexually assaulted. She made a mistake. Hopefully you can forgive her and the two of you will grow stronger as a couple because of this.

Good luck to both of you with the counseling.
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Reply Fri 6 Jan, 2017 04:14 pm
You don't really have to "do" anything.

The fact that she said that in the situation "she felt overwhelmed and that because of her previous sexual trauma, felt like she couldn't say no to this guy." is an issue that she needs to deal with in therapy.

You might have some strong feelings about it, which in case could be talked about when your wife invites you to her counseling session.

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Reply Tue 21 Feb, 2017 09:02 pm
she cheated
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