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At what point should I ask for an official commitment?

 
 
Reply Sat 31 Dec, 2016 11:27 pm
If you've read any of my previous posts, the background is known but things are changinng slowly.
I'm still dating my friend of 2 years. We're in month 4 of monogamy and unofficial commitment. We treat each other like we're in a relationship with expectations, emotions, etc.

We've had issues with female friends (which has been mostly resolved) and issues with my neediness (which he has admitted now is partially because he is just complacent and doesn't feel that he needs to show me as much attention and doesn't have to contact me as much because he knows he "has me"), but we're working on that.

However, he has certain reasons for not making us official: "I'll be across the country for 6 months starting in a month," "I'm afraid of being hurt after being too deep into you," etc. But in spite of these reasons, we are supposedly giving each other our all and we're expecting to try to hold up our status together while he's thousands of miles of way in 6 months... without a title... without an officially official commitment.

I say I don't need a title to feel a commitment, but I'm starting to feel that without one, it shows that he's not as serious about me as I am about him. And the recent slowing of his communication with me (which he says he is working on) pegs me as his trying to slow us down or withdraw or something, even though everything else we do is the exact same (spending days and nights together, dates, etc.).

At what point should a commitment be expected or necessary? Do you feel that a title is even ever necessary? Is a four-month deal even enough to sustain us for 6 months long distance?
 
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Sun 1 Jan, 2017 09:40 am
You yourself said it wasn't a real relationship: http://able2know.org/topic/358610-1#post-6325030

So, the answer would be: never.
ChickenMate
 
  1  
Reply Sun 1 Jan, 2017 11:29 am
@jespah,
I sure did. But I want to know when it should become a real relationship. When should I demand a solid, real relationship?

are you saying I should just settle with our current status and not ask for more?

Or since he's not giving me this commitment that I feel is necessary, should I move on?
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sun 1 Jan, 2017 12:03 pm
@ChickenMate,
Every individual is different, and there's no way for anyone to tell another when something "should" happen in a relationship.

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jespah
 
  4  
Reply Sun 1 Jan, 2017 12:07 pm
@ChickenMate,
If you've been in a long distance deal for two years, then consider the whole thing dead and buried. Kill it with an axe if you have to, and move on.

Why? Because if long distance hasn't turned into being together (or legitimately working on being together, such as trying to sell a house or truly looking for a job in a new city) by now, then it probably never will.

Demanding a commitment when you are not in the same town together, and there are no concrete plans to do so, is a leap of faith and cannot be confirmed, anyway. You have no way of knowing what happens offline, and neither does he. Not that anyone is 'cheating', per se. It's more that you would be placing ridiculous constraints on each other.

I really and truly hate long-term long distance 'relationships'. They are avoidance behavior, and nothing more. There is nothing wrong with trying to find love outside of your geographic area. But when it goes on and on like this, and you're still in your respective towns and no one's making a move to rectify that, then it's just stagnation and an excuse to not try harder with the people who are available.
ChickenMate
 
  1  
Reply Sun 1 Jan, 2017 01:41 pm
@jespah,
Sorry! I wasn't completely clear.
We have been in the same town/university for 2 years as friends. We have been seeing each other heavily for the past 4 months, still in the same town, practically living together.

We will become long distance in a month. In a month, he will be gone for about 5-6 months, then return.

Given this new information, is your opinion the same? Should I still not expect or ask for a solid commitment/title/relationship? Would long distance be sustainable? Would the constraints still be considered ridiculous?
vikorr
 
  3  
Reply Sun 1 Jan, 2017 03:36 pm
@ChickenMate,
His thoughts behind not being in an official relationship don't make sense:

-"I'm afraid of being hurt after being too deep into you," ...being official (or not) is irrelevant to how deep into you he is, so....he'd be hurt whether or not it was official, right?

- But he expects you to stay true to him while he's gone...even though he's not in a relationship with you, right?

In terms of what you want - if you look at how people do things normally, 4 months of dating without being in a relationship usually only occurs in: friends with benefits; or; when one person is using the other. You could fall into both categories.

The only proviso I would add to the above is that is in normal situations. There are always exceptions, though nothing you've described is exceptional.

Lastly, I would suggest that you give attention to personal growth, as doing so will help improve many things in your life: your self esteem, conflict management, respectfulness (from and towards you), and reduce jealousy, anxiety, and neediness. All of these things will improve your happiness, and the quality of your relationships (with friends, and lovers)
ChickenMate
 
  2  
Reply Sun 1 Jan, 2017 04:04 pm
@vikorr,
Thank you. That was very insightful!
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PUNKEY
 
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Reply Wed 4 Jan, 2017 10:36 am
If he felt strongly about you two, he would be moving heaven and earth to make sure you and he were "tight" before he left. HE would be assuring you, lining up all kinds of communication systems with you, and making sure you were OK when he was gone.

Instead, he turns you away and pleads some excuse that is full of self-pity and vanity.

He does not feel as much as you do about this whole thing. He's found his way out. Let him go.

Develop yourself. When he gets back, you can pick up where you started/ended.

If it's meant to be, it will be.
angrybride2017
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Jan, 2017 01:01 am
@ChickenMate,
i wouldnt ask if he were crearing such distance between the two of you.
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angrybride2017
 
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Reply Sat 7 Jan, 2017 01:03 am
@ChickenMate,
i wouldnt ask if he were crearing such distance between the two of you.
just my 2.

if you are asking him to commit then you need to be ready to commit as well and at what point are you going to follow him if he doesnt return?
ChickenMate
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Jan, 2017 09:51 am
@PUNKEY,
Thanks for your answer @PUNKEY. That's how I see it and that's why it worries me. I am going to develop myself, like you and vikorr suggested so that I'll be healthy physically and mentally for whatever else may enter my life. Thank you!
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ChickenMate
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Jan, 2017 09:54 am
@angrybride2017,
I am willing to go with him when I go to graduate school if I see improvement in us when he comes back and before he leaves the next time. But that would be a year down the road.

Thank you for your reply, @angrybride2017 !!
angrybride2017
 
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Reply Sat 7 Jan, 2017 10:52 pm
@ChickenMate,
please dont just wait around for him. it could be worth it, but is probably just a waste of your time. Smile

moving like that is a consideration you take for a husband. not a man who is on his way out.

good luck Smile 💘
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Crazielady420
 
  1  
Reply Mon 9 Jan, 2017 11:13 am
After I separated from my husband I dated a man. For awhile I refused to put a label on it. We both agreed that it would be exclusive but I wouldn't commit further.... I only did that because I knew he wasn't the right person for me. When we did "commit" I would not allow it to be up on social media (partly because I'm very private about what I put out on social media) again because I knew it wasn't going anywhere.

There are several different stages of a relationship, the first of which is dopamine. It's that intense rush, the butterflies when he texts randomly, the little things that he does to impress you. It's the chase of it all. Once the dopamine starts to die down the little things happen less. The texts become less frequent because there is no more chase.

I've been with my boyfriend (not the previous mentioned) for two years now. We used to text all day but now it's sporadic. We are both busy, he works a lot and I have two kids and work full time as well. We always make sure to text good morning and goodnight.

He doesn't do the little things that he used to do as often but it doesn't bother me because I trust him and know that he loves me. I don't sit there and wait for him to text me. I don't wonder where he is or who he is with. He'll tell me if he goes to lunch with a friend. We have a mutual friend who he used to date and they'll go to lunch about 3 times a year. She has two kids now and a boyfriend. Doesn't bother me at all, I actually talk to her more than he does.

Long story short, after reading your other post as well. The main issue seems to be self esteem. You're taking your insecurities and reflecting them off to him. Neediness is a turn off. I know it's hard accepting that he has friends of the opposite sex but he's allowed to have friends. It seems like you don't trust him and without trust there is not a relationship.

If it really bothers you that much that you are not in a committed relationship and when you bring it up to him he still doesn't want to commit then my advice would be to accept it. Let him go away for the six months. Don't sit there waiting for him. If he comes back missing you deeply then you have the power to say I missed you too or I deserve more.

Just my two cents. Sorry I tend to ramble.
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