Why won't my pants stay up? I wear 'em just like everyone else! What?

Trouser manufacturers make pants to be worn below the butt cheeks, but they won't stay up. Why is that? I mean they've had centuries to figure out how to make pants right, haven't they? I'm tired of cops and old ladies pointing out that my pants are down around my ankles again. I mean, yes, it saves time having them down already, but I'm seriously considering wearing a long rain coat to keep my junk covered. The problem I foresee with this plan is the coat will be in the way sometimes, like when I want to get my wallet out to pay the cashier girl. I wouldn't want anyone to become unduly alarmed if they see me fumbling under my coat. So I have come up with a couple possible ways to handle that. One is to first say, "Hold on, while I take it out!" Then I'd pull my coat open quickly, so as not to waste her time making her wait. The other possibility could save even more time because it only takes one word. I say simply: "Huzzah!" when I pull my coat open. Is this a good plan? *sigh* details, details...