5
   

My boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with me and would rather watch porn.

 
 
Ck123
 
Reply Wed 7 Dec, 2016 06:51 am
Let me start by saying that in all other aspects our 6 month relationship is great. We kiss, hug and show affection all the time and is very open about how he loves me and tells me I am beautiful.

When it comes to sex though, after the first couple of months it really started to dwindle. We used to have it daily and now it's down to 1-2 times per week. He initiates it but I feel that he just thinks he has to, to keep me happy.

He used to give me oral and spend time on foreplay but now when we do it, it's just sex and that's it. If he finishes and I have yet to have an orgasm, he won't make any further attempt to 'finish me off'. He also doesn't like me giving him oral or handjobs.

A few times I've tried to initiate sex by touching his penis over his clothes and he has moved my hand away. I no longer try to initiate sex at all. It is always him but only twice per week at most, on a Wednesday and Saturday as if he had scheduled the bare minimum to try and keep me happy.

I got upset one night and asked him about it and he said he just doesn't have a high sex drive and it's not about me. He has health issues which regularly gives him an upset stomach and he said this can affect his sex drive.

I check his phone regularly and he looks at porn and probably masturbates nearly every day. He also googled yesterday "I don't want to have sex with my girlfriend" and "I would rather masturbate than have sex". I can't tell you how that made me feel inside.

Do I ask him about it or be patient and accept that this is how our sex life will be? I feel that if I initiate it, then it will just be even more of a turn off for him.

I just want to know what's going on in his mind. Is it the lack of thrill now that we are in a serious relationship or is it that he just finds me less attractive or sexy than before.

I've never felt the way I do about him and there are too many other good things in our relationship to keep me from leaving.
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Wed 7 Dec, 2016 08:20 am
@Ck123,
You say there are a lot of other great things, but what are they? While sex may or may not be a dealbreaker for you (or for him), he's not being too terribly attentive to your needs in this equation. I'm not even talking about sex, per se, it's more that it's him getting his jollies and then not caring about you.

Either accept you are going to be responsible for every single one of your own orgasms, or cut your ties before you turn into one of the people we see on here who says they can't leave because they've invested a decade. You've invested half a year. It is not that much time at all.

Personally, I would have a talk with him and go over how you feel. And he may not be too thrilled with you snooping into his search history, BTW. But see what happens and give it a hard (heh, no pun intended) deadline. As in a month.

And if things aren't any better, or if it looks like he's just quite literally going through the motions, I would, personally, cut my losses.
Skeleton
 
  1  
Reply Wed 7 Dec, 2016 08:22 am
@Ck123,
I have to say, that really sucks. If I had a girlfriend who actually liked sex, I'd be all over that. You should totally bring it up with him and ask him what is up because that's a punch in the throat. And don't accept the same answer as "lack of sex drive." Make him spill the beans, all of them.
Ck123
 
  1  
Reply Wed 7 Dec, 2016 09:30 am
@jespah,
Thanks for replying and for being frank! It's appreciated.

We get on great, make each other laugh, have the same banter, enjoy coming home to eachother. There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with our intimacy when it comes to kissing, cuddling or other things that couples do. It's just when it comes to sex! I feel that we are both happy to be together.

What do you think about him googling that he doesn't want to have sex with me? It kind of made me feel worse but at the same time I seen it as him recognising that his behaviour isn't normal and trying to seek help.
Ck123
 
  1  
Reply Wed 7 Dec, 2016 09:33 am
@Skeleton ,
Thanks for your reply. I know, it is very frustrating. I find him so physically attractive that it hurts to think he doesn't feel the same way.

Do you not think raising the issue might come across as nagging and turn him off to the idea of sex even more?

I know it doesn't help to say nothing but sex can be such a sensitive issue, especially when it comes to the male ego that I worry it will do more harm than good.
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Wed 7 Dec, 2016 11:09 am
@Ck123,
Hard (heh, there's that word again; I should use the word 'difficult') to say. Maybe he wants a road map as to what to do or maybe he's afraid of what's happening? Who knows?

He does. Maybe it's time to sit down and ask him what is going on. And don't rule out a checkup for him if he will go (although please don't nag him). Sometimes this stuff is medically-related and it can be cleared up but no one will know unless and until you try.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Wed 7 Dec, 2016 11:18 am
Am I the only one who has noticed that she continually invades his privacy by going through his phone and search history?

I'd be asking what part of her snooping personality, that's more than likely coming out in other ways, is perhaps turning him off.

Don't people have the right to their privacy anymore?
Skeleton
 
  1  
Reply Wed 7 Dec, 2016 02:58 pm
@chai2,
It's a common practice for girls to look at their boyfriends' phones. They always want to know if their boyfriend is cheating or something I guess. If you're a boyfriend and you don't like it, lock your phone. But girlfriends will always do that.
Skeleton
 
  1  
Reply Wed 7 Dec, 2016 03:12 pm
@Ck123,
Try to bring it up when he's in a good mood, ease him into the subject. You two seem to have a good relationship already, I don't see why it would hurt things too much to try. If it comes down to it, you might have to be honest about snooping. If it seems to piss him off when you ask, drop the subject. Also, try to butter him up and see if it doesn't get him in the mood for sex. Tell him how hot he is and how much you want him. Don't ask if you're not attractive enough for him, that comes off as nagging and starts fights. Try to get him to eat more aphrodisiacs and see if it doesn't make him want sex.

It also might seem like you want sex from him too much. I have a friend who told me his girlfriend was high maintenance because all she wanted to do with him was sex and he went through the motions to make her happy. I could be wrong but it seems he could be bored of it and thinks you want too much from him. If that's the case maybe you could wait a while before initiating anything. Maybe you should ask him if that's the case, too. If anything is detrimental to a relationship it should be talked over seriously.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  -1  
Reply Wed 7 Dec, 2016 03:24 pm
@Skeleton ,
Skeleton wrote:

It's a common practice for girls to look at their boyfriends' phones. They always want to know if their boyfriend is cheating or something I guess. If you're a boyfriend and you don't like it, lock your phone. But girlfriends will always do that.


Thank you for clueing me in to the mysterious ways of females and what they will always do.

I have had little experience with them.

Tell me, when one of these girlfriends butter someone up, do they use lightly salted or sweet butter?
Skeleton
 
  1  
Reply Wed 7 Dec, 2016 03:30 pm
@chai2,
Totes. Girls don't always tell you their intentions, they employ stealth operations. Simply locking your phone is like wearing a magneto helmet, the best defense against mind reading.
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Wed 7 Dec, 2016 04:35 pm
@Skeleton ,
Hold on, hold on.

Let me get something to write this down on....

this stuff is gold, I don't want to miss a word.
Skeleton
 
  2  
Reply Wed 7 Dec, 2016 08:59 pm
@chai2,
Also forget all the bullshit they tell you about getting a girlfriend.

"Act like you're not too interested in her. Answer her texts 5 to 20 minutes after she texts you to let her know you're too busy for her."

I never did that with my ex. All I did was be myself. If you have to go through mental gymnastics and emotional Rollercoasters just to get a girlfriend, she's probably not worth it. She's selfish if she makes it exhausting on you. A real genuine girlfriend likes you for you and doesn't give a **** about making you bend over backwards to win her over.

That being said, mind your boundaries, she's a respectable person. Don't crave sex, it'll make her feel like you only want a bottom bitch and not a relationship.

Don't do stupid **** for her if you don't want to. You have boundaries too.
chai2
 
  0  
Reply Wed 7 Dec, 2016 09:47 pm
@Skeleton ,
Wow. You're really smart.

How long do you think it'll take me to get a girlfriend if I follow your advice?

But wait...How we she know I'm interested in her if I act like I'm not interested in her? You don't think that answering a text in 20 minutes is like really quick?

A lot of the times I don't answer texts until the next day. Sometimes not a all.

God, I'm such a loser. I'll never get this right.
roger
 
  1  
Reply Wed 7 Dec, 2016 10:33 pm
@chai2,
Just keep writing, loser.
0 Replies
 
Skeleton
 
  1  
Reply Thu 8 Dec, 2016 02:08 am
@chai2,
That's my point exactly. The quote meant it's not my words, it's other people's advice. They're stupid.

Don't act like you're not interested, it's totally confusing. Why would a girl want a boyfriend who isn't interested in her? Just show her that you're serious and confident and she'll be yours. If she's not interested in you, then there's plenty of other girls to go for.

The texting thing is fine. Just don't pretend you're too busy for her. If you really are busy then get back to her when you can. I used to text my ex for hours on end and she liked it when I waited for her response. In your case, if you tend to answer texts a day at a time, she'll understand and be patient, and maybe you two would prefer to have a more in-person relationship anyway. Togetherness is a really good thing.
0 Replies
 
Skeleton
 
  1  
Reply Thu 8 Dec, 2016 02:14 am
@chai2,
I can't guarantee you'll find "the one" immediately. All it takes is finding the courage to talk to girls and ask one out. If they reject you, keep moving on. Be persistent and find one who says yes. If a relationship turns out for the worst, take the time you need, regroup, try again.
0 Replies
 
CoastalRat
 
  1  
Reply Thu 8 Dec, 2016 08:03 am
@chai2,
Chai, your responses are pure gold and have me smiling this morning. And here I thought today was going to be a bummer.
Skeleton
 
  1  
Reply Thu 8 Dec, 2016 08:06 am
@CoastalRat,
Whether he's being sarcastic or not, I'm just bored. I can play goofball.
0 Replies
 
Ck123
 
  1  
Reply Thu 8 Dec, 2016 08:44 am
@chai2,
Yes thank you for making me feel worse than usual. I know it's not healthy behaviour but to be honest I'm so worried about us that it's become this agonising obsession that I don't share with anyone.

He doesn't know I check his phone and I don't convey a jealous or insecure persona around him. If anything I keep it bottled up and pretend everything is fine so that he doesn't think those things of me.

This is a complete headache.
 

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