Good stuff you guys...a heartfelt thanks.
Sheesh...tough one, and I don't have kids. I can only talk from my experiences of being a wanton, manipulative kid with a brain. Firm, decisive talk, peppered with a little guilt always did it for me. Play the heart attack card. Sit them down, explain that you are not angry with them, just concerned about what they are doing to their mother. Then suggest they help out around the house a bit more, and stop being smarmy.
I hope you're not implying that I'm being smarmy...because for once words have failed you Cav...
The post heart attack meeting was held and they duly nodded heads when told they must change....balh blah blah...but things drifted right back to chaos.
Hey thanks guys...I'll be back for any other advice.
panzade wrote:I hope you're not implying that I'm being smarmy...because for once words have failed you Cav...
The post heart attack meeting was held and they duly nodded heads when told they must change....balh blah blah...but things drifted right back to chaos.
No no no....I wasn't implying that you were being smarmy. I was suggesting that the kids should stop being smarmy towards you, as you are putting a hell of a lot of effort into this. I really don't know what to suggest, but there was no personal slight intended at all.
I'm so sorry for my obtuseness Cav. I should have known what you meant. It's times when the pain has no outlet that we tend to be too sensitive. Thanks good friend.
Panzade, like I said, I'm stymied. I still think that constant talk with the kids would help, but that's hard work. You need them to accept you, provided you want to stay, but you also need them to respect you. That is a really tough thing to convey without giving in to anger. I wish you the best of luck, friend, and even though I'm no expert in this situation, I'll offer up anything I think of, just because I care, sincerely.
Thanks Cav. And I think the daily grind of working with them is what snapped me and Ma. In retrospect I have to admit that the F**K YOU! really hurt but after a grieving process I just have to jump right back on this pony and keep riding.
Pan
Did she apologize for the F.U.? Apologies go so far. It mends hearts quicker.
Some Lyle Lovett for the soul panzade:
When I was a very young man
I was a cowboy
The best in the land
But then she settled me down
With a touch of her hand
Now I'm begging you mister
Tell me if you can
Which way does that old pony run
Which way does that old pony run
And how much is that saddle
And a straight shooting gun
Which way does that old pony run
Now a young girl
She don't know when she's lying
But a woman
Great God she knows how its done
So mama before I go
There's just one thing on my mind
Which way does that old pony run
Which way does that old pony run
Which way does that old pony run
And how much is that saddle
And a straight shooting gun
Which way does that old pony run
So this good life you know I must leave
Your new car
And your color TV
But what's riches to you
Just ain't riches to me
And if you're staying out here
Then I'm headed back east
Which way does that old pony run
Which way does that old pony run
And how much is that saddle
And a straight shooting gun
Which way does that old pony run
Nice Cav...great touch.
I'll be looking through my Lyle L. CD's if you need me...
Here, I found one:
They all sat around in a circle
They were all laughing and all telling lies
Then the tall one he bumped in a dollar
He said boys I've got nothing to hide
Now if the King and the Queen stood together
Then the ace he would not be to blame
And if the cards were all laid on the table
Then love could be more than a game
And if the stars didn't shine on the water
Then the sun wouldn't burn on the sand
And if I were the man you wanted
I would not be the man that I am
And I have seen my share of long nights
And I have told my share of lies
And I have run into the darkness
When I saw the look in your eyes
But if the night didn't lie in the darkness
Then the daylight would be hard to find
And if the truth didn't turn to a weakness
I would have never have spoken my mind
And if the stars didn't shine on the water
Then the sun wouldn't burn on the sand
And if I were the man you wanted
Then I would not be the man that I am
So if you're going out to Carolina
Then don't linger in New Mexico
And if you think of the one there behind you
Then you might not feel so alone
And if the stars didn't shine on the water
Then the sun wouldn't burn on the sand
And if I were the man you wanted
I would not be the man that I am
I understand why Julia Roberts was attracted to him, but I still don't understand why he married her. More Lyle (what a songwriter):
You don't have to live a life of sin
You don't have to break the law
And break the law again
You can make just one mistake
And it can take you to your grave, honey
One bad move can turn your world upside down
It's such a shame 'cause you've been so good up to now
Yes I saw the light fall from your eyes
Yes I saw how easy it was
The light it never lies
And as the darkness touched your lips
They tried to warn your fingertips, honey
One bad move can turn your world upside down
It's such a shame 'cause you've been so good up to now
When he looks at you what will he see
You can hide from him, baby
But you can't hide from me
You know right from right
And wrong from wrong
You know you can try to stop
But you can't stop for long
And you just don't seem to be yourself
So you do it like your someone else, honey
One bad move can turn your world upside down
It's such a shame 'cause you've been so good up to now
It's such a shame 'cause you've been so good up to now
OOF, Lyle was looking into my soul...
Panz, examine this phrase please:
"A cruelty borne by the stream of love."
These lyrics are great, just sitting here enjoying them.
Pan - 3 boys? And, one is 20 (locked-out), one is 18? Looks like this might be over fairly soon when looking at the bigger picture. In the mean time, here's some things to consider.
Our oldest is Bears from previous marriage, so I went through some of this over the years as the "not my real parent." Ya gotta let that kinda stuff roll. They aren't telling you anything you don't already know, and at their age you aren't going to be their "Dad." This can actually be a relief for you. When tension starts to rise, you might remind yourself of this, and rather than trying to take the Dad role, switch to neutral.
While you do have authority in your home as an adult, you do not need their respect. I doubt your ego is tied up in them thinking you are the bestest guy ever, so don't worry about that. Your G/F is the one being disrespected when they, knowing her medical history, still treat her this way. But, YOU cannot change this. SHE has to change the way they treat her and SHE has to decide what behavior to demand from them. That's the way it is for all of us. We all get treated by others in the way we allow.
And, you might consider that she is getting some kind of payoff from their behavior. I'm a mother, so I might be way off, but this is how I would likely react to a major medical/ gee, I coulda died situation. I can easily see myself jumping back into the "do everything a good Mommy does while you can" role if it were me. I can also see this applying if she has become anxious about an empty nest since the boys are now at that age. As to the "we are treated as we allow ourselves to be treated." she is getting some kind of payoff from their behavior. What you see as them demanding to be taken care of like they are little children, is likely viewed by her as confirmation that they still need her. She might NEED them to need her while she recovers mentally even if medically she is now fine. She might NEED them to need her so that she can deal with their leaving soon. This, of course, gets all knotted up with her feelings for you.
No, it's not best for the kids at this age. They have to learn to be more independent. This is the age where they should be learning how to survive on their own. I'm just saying this seems like a natural Mom response to a major medical situation as well as typical empty nest behavior.
She is also likely attempting to make up for the abuse she subjected them to by remaining with their Dad... it's a guilt thing. Again, not something you can do anything about other than bringing it up for discussion without being accusatory or putting her on defensive. Maybe just a "I was thinking..... and I was wondering if maybe that's how you feel."
Just some things to onsider. I'll post some actual things you can do to modify behavior if you feel like any of this might fit the situation.
squinney is an expert on living with a screwy partner.....need I say more :wink:
Thanks you two-Squinney, a lot to digest.
The 12 year old is still cute...sometimes, but has already learned all the bad habits of the oldest 2. I guess I'll concentrate on being a dad to him...at least he is able to verbalise his feelings for me.
