Am I A Slut?

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I've been in a committed relationship with this guy called Harry for the past 8 months and recently I thought I should tell him how I had a one night stand with one of his distant friends Caspar and how I was friends with benefits with one of his really close friends Simon. These were both before I knew him well (had met him twice before while being fwb with simon).

We got to talking about how many people we'd slept with while talking about this and he said 8.... while I said 10. He was really shocked and called me "loose" as a joke before apologising the next day. He still mentions it though (this was a week ago) and is jealous whenever I hang out with my guy friends. Besides from that one night stand and being a friend with benefits, the other 8 people I've slept with are him and other guys I've had relationships with.

I would never cheat on him and I've never cheated on anyone - I'm extremely faithful to whoever I''m in a relationship with. I have no idea what to do - I trusted him with that information and he seems really upset and even confronted and yelled at simon about it. I don't get jealous whenever he hangs out with female friends - he gets jealous really easily, even with guys that are in relationships of their own.

By the way, I'm 21 years old. Does sleeping with these 10 guys make me a slut? He's 27.

What do I do? I really like him and don't want to **** anything up.

All honesty please.

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@anon2016,

There's no need for you to tell him about prior sexual relationships.

It's none of his business.

Unless of course you want the drama, which it sounds like you do.

If he acts jealous about your hanging out with your male friends, why in the world do you want to throw fuel on the fire?

One sign of becoming an adult is you realize you don't have to tell someone everything. You have a right to privacy.

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@anon2016,

anon2016 wrote:

I would never cheat on him and I've never cheated on anyone

No. In Oklahoma and thereabouts, you might be called "a little too warmhearted."

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In my opinion you need to think very carefully about whether this guy is right for you. 1. He was really shocked. 2. He called you "loose" as a so-called "joke". 3. He waited until the next day before apologising. If he thinks 10 previous sexual partners makes you "loose" when he has had 8 himself (which he presumably thinks is OK), then he has sexist double standards straight out of the Stone Age. This could come out in all kinds of ways later on, ways which you may not like very much.

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@contrex,

I can agree with that.

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@anon2016,

How many people either of you slept with before you two started dating is all in the past. I would not advise volunteering that kind of information.

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@anon2016,

anon2016 wrote:

I don't get jealous whenever he hangs out with female friends - he gets jealous really easily, even with guys that are in relationships of their own.

I said up above that his double standards might come out in ways you won't like... they are already. I see the seeds of a controlling, abusive relationship, in fact they are already sending up shoots. You can ignore this, you probably will, but I think you should run.

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@chai2,

the reason I decided to tell him was because I would want to know if he had slept with any of my close friends. I understood that it might create drama but I thought it would be better for him to find out from me now, than possibly find out some other way later on. I thought if I told him myself it would show him how comfortable I am with revealing such things like this to him, and how I don't care about what happened in the past and I'm over it because I told him myself.

And the reason I continue to hang out with my male friends is because I'm not going to stop hanging out with my friends, regardless of their gender, just because he doesn't want me to. I've also hung out with my female friends as well since telling Harry this - it's not like I'm hanging out with my male friends just to make him jealous; these are friends I've had since childhood or have been with me through hard times. Some of these guys are dating people of their own - and I haven't had any sexual relations with any of these guys. As I already said, besides from simon and caspar, everyone else I've slept with I was in a romantic, commited relationship with at the time.

If the solution to this issue is to ditch some of my close friends based on their gender, I'm not gonna take it.

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@anon2016,

Stop putting labels on yourself. How silly.

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@anon2016,

Good for you. It's good to see people who stick to their principles.

The best definition I ever saw of what a slut is (when used as an insult), was 'someone who's slept with more people than I have'.

Personally, that sort of accusation usually does severe damage to a relationship. Staying afterwards too often says (in the mind of the other person) 'yes I am, and you can treat me how you want' (because it's not corrected, or truly taken back). Often it starts a slow slide downwards, especially in terms of self esteem (of the abused person).

1 Reply

@vikorr,

anon2016 wrote:

If the solution to this issue is to ditch some of my close friends based on their gender, I'm not gonna take it.

The proper solution is to ditch this guy. Are you gonna take that? (You will, (hopefully) either now or later.

vikorr wrote:

The best definition I ever saw of what a slut is (when used as an insult), was 'someone who's slept with more people than I have'.

Yes. Absolutely, and in so defining it, the speaker sets up the double standard ("OK for me, but not for you"), and appoints himself the censor of her behaviour, past, present and future.

vikorr wrote:

Personally, that sort of accusation usually does severe damage to a relationship. Staying afterwards too often says (in the mind of the other person) 'yes I am, and you can treat me how you want' (because it's not corrected, or truly taken back). Often it starts a slow slide downwards, especially in terms of self esteem (of the abused person).

Terminal damage, ideally. You are right on the button here, vikorr. If she stays he knows he has a free pass to control her. They are 8 months in, what will it be like after 18 or 28 months?

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Asking if you are slut is a judgement call... and the only person's opinion that counts is yours. Do you feel like a slut? By the way how many people do you have to sleep with to be a slut? Can a man be a slut? I've been with over 60 women. Am I a slut? What if I told you I was 60 years old... Or would it make a difference if I said I was 30 years old? What if I said there were periods in my life where I didn't have sex for years but then they were some periods in my life where I had 20 women in a year. Why did you have sex with 10 guys? Was it because you wanted to and you enjoyed it? Or did you have sex with people in order to get ahead in your job or for money or out of spite or revenge? Or did you actually care about the people you had sex with? In the end as I always say... Hey it's just sex man get over it.

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@anon2016,

anon2016 wrote:

the reason I decided to tell him was because I would want to know if he had slept with any of my close friends.

You are not him.

You don't do something because it's what you would want.

In any event, why would you want to know if the situation was reversed? So you could start something up with a thousand questions and unending discussions about it?
Maybe because you haven't yet mastered the control over yourself to realize it's no more your business what he's done, than it's is his over your life.

Just because you "want" something, doesn't mean it's the best solution. Wanting someting is a temporary thing. Looking at what is best is many times something else entirely.

What I've learned from the number of years of sexual (and other) experience that total just about twice your age, and being in the position of wanting to know, and wanting to tell, is that it's seldom, if ever, worth it.

Hey, if you want to create all kinds of arguments, hurt and resentful feelings, drama and tears, go for it.
It's not my business.

Or, you can realize that certain aspects of everyone's life are private, and need to be respected.

That's not my business either.

1 Reply

@chai2,

Your partner having slept with your friends is a source of concern for many people. If your partner hides it from you, then are they also feelings for that person from you? Why would they not tell you if they didn't have feelings for them? They've been in close proximity for years, smiling at each other. Did those smiles mean more? I bet they were quite knowing, the smug bastards. If he/she's been lying to me all these years about them just being friends, maybe he/she's lying about still sleeping with him/her. What does he/she see when he/she looks at him...does she still want to do him/her? Is he/she better in bed than I am?

This sort of thinking isn't too uncommon. There's a reason so many people hold to the principle of never dating friends ex's. And it's not just because the friend may cause dramas.

It's better having this out now, then finding out years later that you've misjudged, and there's an issue - years later when you're in a committed relationship, or married, or married with kids and mortgaged to the eyeballs.

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@vikorr,

sweetie, I've been married to the same man for over 22 years, and he doesn't know about every person I was with before marriage, and I don't know about all of his.

Who cares?

It might be a source of concern for many people, but again, as I said before, it depends on how much drama you want in your life, and being able to deferentiate between wanting to know, and needing to know.

Not telling someone everything about you isn't hiding anything, it having boundaries for yourself. Keeping things special to you, only to you.

You can drive yourself crazy wondering all about things like "do they still want each other", "is she better in bed" etc. The important thing is your the one he's with. If you worry about stuff like that, you've got bigger problems with yourself than with your partner.

I didn't say anything about the friend causing drama, it's the fact of one person thinking they want to know about the others private stuff is drama in the making.

Private means private. It's important to have certain things that are not shared with anyone. No one needs to know every thing about you.

Life's too short and precious to make who you had sex with in the past, especially before you met or were with your partner, any sort of problem.

Some people just need to look for trouble, and stir the pot.

1 Reply

@vikorr,

vikorr wrote:

Did those smiles mean more? I bet they were quite knowing, the smug bastards. If he/she's been lying to me all these years about them just being friends, maybe he/she's lying about still sleeping with him/her. What does he/she see when he/she looks at him...does she still want to do him/her? Is he/she better in bed than I am?

I had to come back and comment on this.

What in the world would it benefit a person to know if someone else was "better" in bed (whatever that means)?

In the big picture, there isn't 5 cents worth of difference between any 2 people having sex, and the next 2, as far as being "better" or "worse"

You know you're having good sex when you're not comparing yourself to anyone else, and just enjoying yourself. To put it frankly, in real life we're all, every one of us, pretty funny looking when we're screwing. Don't kid yourself we're not.

That, and all the rest of it of those stupid questions are they symptoms of someone who not only can't just enjoy what they have, and must torture themselves with the past, and say "I just want to know"

People like that? Who "just want to know"? They have no idea why, because there isn't any reason, let alone a good one.

I'll tell you what, if someone would get divorced over something like this, that happened years ago, they have no more sense than a goose. Imagine, getting stuck with a mortgage, child support, all that other crap, over some sex that happened long ago. I guess that person can just wonder about whether some other man/woman is better in bed while they're working a 2nd job, or sleeping alone at night, or dating someone new and wondering all about their past.

Sometimes, you can have principles, or you can have peace.

These kind of problems are for the 21 year olds with too much time on their hands, not for those who know every house on the block, and know each one has their stories.

1 Reply

@chai2,

Quote:

sweetie, I've been married to the same man for over 22 years, and he doesn't know about every person I was with before marriage, and I don't know about all of his.

Who cares?

Often, people.

It is good that you think the way you do on this topic. It works for you, and that is good. Is there a need for anyone to think any other way? Unlikely.

But the reality is - not everyone thinks the same as you, and not everyone cares about the same things you do. Some things that mean nothing to you, mean a lot to certain other people. Those things that other people care about need to be considered, especially when you may end up in a long term relationship with them. Those things that may cause drama, and the degree of drama also need to be considered.

By the way, I take it that you not pick up that this:

Quote:

Your partner having slept with your friends is a source of concern for many people. If your partner hides it from you, then are they also feelings for that person from you? Why would they not tell you if they didn't have feelings for them? They've been in close proximity for years, smiling at each other. Did those smiles mean more? I bet they were quite knowing, the smug bastards. If he/she's been lying to me all these years about them just being friends, maybe he/she's lying about still sleeping with him/her. What does he/she see when he/she looks at him...does she still want to do him/her? Is he/she better in bed than I am?

...was written from the perspective of a person who suffers from jealousy problems? It was written that way to help clarify what the OP is likely to be dealing with, in terms of jealousy.

In many ways, you and I agree on this subject...and we handle how we approach other peoples understanding of it somewhat differently.

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@chai2,

maybe you're secure enough in your relationship as you have been married to him for a long time, but in a 8 month relationship we don't automatically have that security or maturity. and the fact that you and your husband have no issue in not talking about who you slept with in the past even if it's friends, is YOUR relationship and your business. I respect that completely because that's how comfortable you are with each other. However, not everyone is the same, and as vikorr said I feel like a lot of other partners WOULD want to know who their partners had slept with - and that's fair. You can't go around telling people what they can and can't tell their partner because everyone will make that choice on their own and not by YOUR standards - if they do want to keep it to themselves they can, and if they feel comfortable opening up about it, they can as well.

and also, I think its fair to ask your partner something you want to know versus what you need to know. whats wrong with asking something out of curiosity? you're treating it as if it's a crime, but at the end of the day, we're in relationships because we WANT to be in relationships, not because we NEED to - so asking questions to your partner doesn't always need to have rational reasoning behind everything. you can do things you don't need to do, but just want to do.

at the end of the day, I stand by my decision of telling my partner because I thought it was the right thing to do by OUR relationship - not yours. and I WANTED to be open and honest, so that he would feel more comfortable knowing that I don't have any more feelings for either simon or caspar as it came from ME telling him this. so, respect that as it was my decision and my relationship, and instead focus on what I actually asked when I posted this which was what should I do NOW - not what I DID.

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@anon2016,

So why the hell did you come here with this topic? You wanted input, and you got it. Not my issue if you didn't like what you heard.

You knew what you were going to do, and nothing was going to change your mind.

Which btw, I wasn't telling you or anyone what to do, just what the consequences are bound to be.

I didn't automatically jump from 8 months to 22 years you know. We kept parts of our past private back then too, obviously. Plus, it wasn't our first rodeo for either of us. We married when I was 34, and him46. We both had a lot more milage on us than you do. Both been there, done that with the sharing everything, had learned that's sometimes not a good policy.

What's wrong with wanting to know something just out of curiosity? Ever heard of the expression "curiosity killed the cat"? Being curious is a fine attribute. I'm curious about a lot of things. But I know when to temper it with common sense. It's not a matter of comfort, it's a matter of what's going to keep a relationship that's wanted by both going for the long term.

I've asked, and been asked by my spouse at various times something the other was curious about, and accepted when informed, or told the other, "That's private". You haven't yet realized it's ok to do that, and just because you're asked, doesn't mean you're going to get, or have to give an answer. This isn't just about sex either. We don't have secrets from each other, we have respect to let the other person have their own past, and enjoy the memories of something meaningful to us personally.

At 21 I was the same as you. You think I was always so ready to let sleeping dogs lie sometimes? I speaking from painful experience. I fact, I realize now there wasn't much chance at being heard, I mean really heard by you, at this time. I sure wouldn't have listened to someone like me at your age.

Good luck with your relationship with a guy that was already jealous, this sure isn't going to help it.

It'll be a learning experience for you, and will hopefully do you some good done the line.

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@vikorr,

vikorr wrote:

Often, people.

Some things that mean nothing to you, mean a lot to certain other people.

Why would anyone want to be with a "people" that would want, or would drag you into such drama? Oh, I know what people get out of it, but that's another topic. However, they confuse what they get out of it with what they need out of it.

That's no better than marrying an active alcoholic, and then wondering why they do the things they do when drunk, or not wanting kids, and getting together with someone who has made it clear they want a family.

People often fall into limerence, mistaking it for love. It's literally like falling under a spell. Then, when they wake up to the reality of what it takes to live a reasonably happy and fulfilling life together, it's nothing like the blissful sharing of all propaganda that we've been fed.

You know how you see married people past a certain age sitting in a restaurant, and not talking?

It's not necessarily because they are unhappy. More likely they are sharing a comfortable silence, or sometimes that if they bring up any topic at that particular moment, it could lead to a disagreement, and it's just too nice to ruin a nice meal out that you didn't have to cook, or clean up after.

It's not just about when to talk, it's about when to shut up. Timing is very important.

1 Reply

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