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Wed 7 Sep, 2016 10:23 am
I've been through a lot throughout high school. I had an extremely unsupportive father that went out of his way to keep me from pursuing my education related passions. Even though this was my situation I still tried my hardest in school and took as much of a difficult workload as I could, because my passion for learning was there, like always. My father was also addicted to coke, that combined with us being broke was a plan for disaster. To support my family I had to work 50+ hours a week in mostly hard labor jobs from 9th-12th grade. So now that I'm ready to move on, I need help with my transfer application essay. Can you help me make it as powerful as the hardships I've been through? My English isn't the best, so bear with me, please.
Essay:
It’s 2:50 pm. I’m sitting in my usual spot at my campus library awaiting my next class. As usual, I’m stuck as to what to write for my common app essay, so I decided to google some sample essays, and like any professional “googler,” I hit the first link that popped up. The first paragraph was about a boy’s father refusing to sign him up for paint lessons because he consistently bounced from one activity to the other.
Growing up I always wanted to have a father like that, one that would let me peruse all my curiosities and support me throughout my education. My family is first generation immigrates from southern Egypt, we come from one of the poorest cities on the banks of the Nile river, where the seeds of classism where the most fertile of anywhere else. This prejudice system taught the poor that education was only for people of higher class, ones that can afford to waste time studying and ones that could pay. My parents weren’t an acceptation; my dad only receiving a middle school education, and my mom being forced to stop going to school after the 3rd grade, reinforced that idea, and they brought it over to America.
My dad never understood why I wanted to spend my time reading a book or going to school, why I stood up all night finishing my AP Calculus homework, he never valued education as much as I did, and he made sure I knew it. He would never give me rides to and from school at times the buses weren't available when I would be doing extracurriculars, he would constantly threaten to kick me out if I kept spending so much time in school,and he wouldn't allow my family to go to my graduation, but I always resisted his influence, I admired education, and everything it brought, from the dissecting of sharks in biology to the picking apart of Steinbeck in English, and that kept me going, because I knew that to end this cycle I had to prove him wrong.
I decided that I wasn't ready to leave my family alone with him, so I enrolled in my local community college, naturally my aggressive desire to learn new things lead me to take as many classes as I was allowed, and I knew from day one that I would have to fight my hardest to come up on top, to show him even though we were disadvantaged that I would push through and make it to where the privileged were; but more importantly I wanted to pave a path for my younger siblings, so that they don’t have to struggle like me, to see the faults in my dad’s ideology, that education isn’t for a special group of people, but for anyone that that values all the treasures it offers.
I’ve realized that right now, in my current situation, I can’t help my family as much as I would love to, because of this I’ve decided to transfer to a 4 year university so that I can take advantage of all the opportunities that are offered so that when I’m done, I could help them in the ways I truly desire.
Through all this I wouldn't want it any different, the struggle that I’ve gone through has turned me into the passionate and determined person I am today, and that makes my happier than anyone that had it handed to them.
@trolledunicorn,
Troll thank you for that. No profile so presume you're a teenager, a very fortunate one. What brought you to a2k, what are your goals, etc
Your essay if fine. And thank you for logically paragraphing, something quite rare hereabout
@dalehileman,
http://able2know.org/topic/342419-1
Corn, no offense whatever, you're hardly alone
@trolledunicorn,
Don't start the way you're starting. It doesn't grab, and it makes you look whiny and entitled. Sorry.
But seriously - the first 50 or so words of any piece, whether it's an essay, a blog post, a paper, etc.? Those first 50 words are prime real estate. You are squandering yours. If I was on the Admissions Committee and reading 50 essays per day, your first paragraph would not stand out to me in any sort of a positive manner.
So let's try again.
Maybe start with your observations about your classmates. Random Googling isn't interesting. What are you seeing about your classmates? Are they wealthy? Entitled? ADHD-addled? Noncommittal?
Let's say, for example, you came from an oppressive society and you overheard a classmate claiming they weren't going to vote in the Presidential election because they felt it was boring or stupid or they were getting their hair done or something like that. Most people who had immigrated from an oppressive society would be livid about that. An applicant like that could really grab a reader's attention by making the reader feel that same anger and passion.
For you, it's about the options America affords, and your childhood and family life where choice is not afforded, and where education is not valued.
The intro you wrote before the essay was
a lot more compelling than the first paragraph of the essay proper.
Channel
that.
@jespah,
I agree with Jespah: I do like the intro to the thread a lot, a good start as far as pull goes.
Edit to say that I was also pulled in, interested in much of the rest of the essay. It was the start of the essay paper that wasn't a "pull". Your english grammar could use some tinkering. So could mine, and I'm american, but it's still clear that you can express yourself well.
My instinct is to leave your grammar as it is. You are young and it is not your first language. A perfect application is a little fishy in these circumstances. Your expressed thoughts are what matter.
@jespah,
Wow Jes that was great. Also I admire your profile
I'm gonna quit offering an opinion 'cause so many better'n ones around
an acceptation = an exception
I'd leave the stuff out about your father. It sounds whiny and you are blaming him for things.
Who DID support and inspire you?
@trolledunicorn,
Hi!
As some have said, you should take out the introduction. I think you were trying to be creative, which is great sometimes, but this intro reads as an add-on and doesn't serve a purpose and distracts from your story, which really is quite compelling (to me at least).
I think you can expand even more on why education is so important to you. This is an admissions essay and you have so much to work with. Take advantage of that. You say you admire education and then mention dissecting sharks and steinbeck. That is superficial. Instead you should show why learning things like dissecting sharks fascinates you and how they've influenced you as a learner or as a person. Universities want people who are curious, ready to learn, and have skills. Show them that side of you. Show them why they need you, not only why you need them.
Another thing: you talk about struggle a lot. You might talk more in depth and explicitly about how your struggles have shaped you and why they make you desirable. I know you touched on that at the end.
as for grammar and spelling, i'm not going to fix them for you, but you should have someone help you with that. it's not acceptable to submit essays full of errors even if you aren't a native speaker. Because you are an immigrant, I'd think the university would be impressed that you write well in English.
Good luck!
@perennialloner,
Some of us liked the introduction. Not that he has to repeat it exactly, but that it had grasp.
Who said take it out? It was not part of the essay, but we liked it.
Are you an admissions person?
@ossobucotemp,
I meant the introductory paragraph of the essay. Sorry if that wasn't clear.
I'm not an admissions person, but I've recently applied to university, I'm not a native speaker, and these are tips I was given when I was writing my essays.
I wouldn't have gotten in some of the universities that have accepted me if I didn't fix the grammar and spelling errors I made. I guess it depends a little on the institution, but generally speaking good grammar is good.
For the record, I liked the first portion of the post too.
@perennialloner,
I know that is what you meant.
We don't know where this fellow is applying. Personally, if I were an admissions person, there would be some clues that a paper was scrubbed, and that is not all that useful for gadging later work. Content matters more.
@ossobucotemp,
that doesn't mean execution of content doesn't matter. if a child with educated parents can get their essays proofread and edited a bunch of times without suspicion, an ESL with parents who probably barely speak English should be able to also without coming across as dishonest.
@perennialloner,
My point is that spelling is secondary to writing ability, which should include content.
@ossobucotemp,
and my point is that he shouldn't leave his grammar and spelling as is if he can help it, which i understand you disagree with.
@ossobucotemp,
osso, I disagree. Grammar mistakes? OK. But spelling errors suggest that the writer didn't take the time to use a dictionary. I'd fix those.
@perennialloner,
I get that. I hope you don't jump to being a judge. Of course perfect english is preferable in tests relating to subjects described in english. If that is your basis of accepting anyone's views, and description of them, you are off base.
@Roberta,
That might be wise, but I consider it irrelevant.
Lucky I'm not a judge. Of course I wouldn't want to see a blank of mashed content, but I think messups with actual brains get to be listened to.
My cousin, the government cpa couldn't spell for ****.
@ossobucotemp,
Anyone want to sweep dyslexics from posting or talking?
@ossobucotemp,
I looked back at our conversation, and for some reason I thought you'd criticized what I'd said about correcting grammar and spelling, but you didn't. I must have imagined it, otherwise I wouldn't have reiterated. I didn't mean to be defensive without reason.
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