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Essay for scholarship - Feedback about it

 
 
Reply Sat 4 Jun, 2016 02:13 pm
Hi!

I need to write some essays for a postgraduate scholarship and I'd like to receive some feedback about what I wrote. I don't if they are good enough. Can someone give me an advice?

My first language is not English and maybe I have some mistakes in my text.

Essay 1

Please summarise, in words that can be understood by a person outside your field, details of your proposed programme, why you chose your proposed host organisation and what your proposed programme is intended to achieve. Also provide details, including proposed dates and locations of any proposed fieldwork and/or internships. (300 words)

Actuarial Science is the discipline that employs mathematical tools to assess risks in the insurance, financial, social security and public health sectors. It's also applied in the study of demographic changes and in the social processes that underlie future population projections.

I graduated in Actuarial Science in Brazil and I chose the Master in Actuarial Studies program because I want to gain a more in-depth understanding of the economics and statistical principles that govern the modeling of social security and public health systems and how I can use it to benefit my community. The program aims to prepare its students to work both in the private and public sectors by giving them the possibility to learn the latest technical expertise needed to evaluate financial risks and develop new insurance products as well as to master how superannuation funds, population ageing, retirement benefits and how health systems are managed and assessed by the State. I have chosen The University of XXX as it has the best Risk & Actuarial Studies department in Australia and it's considered one of the best universities in the world in this field.

My main goal with this program is to acquire new skills to improve Brazil and benefit my community. I believe I can help Brazil to solve its issues regarding the social security system by applying the knowledge gained through my work in Australia and to improve the life of Brazilians that demand such benefits. Furthermore, in Brazil, Actuarial Science still only limited on a bachelors basis and, with this program, I intend to benefit future development of this science at our universities. Also, during my studies, I'll do a summer internship in Sydney to apply all the mathematical methods learned at university and to specialize in modern approaches used by Australian actuaries.

Essay 2

Please explain how receiving an Endeavour scholarship or fellowship would make a difference to your personal life. (200 words)

I aspire to be a great actuary who can help developing Brazil. Unfortunately, I cannot continue my study in my home country because postgraduate programmes in my field of study are not available. Thus, to continue studying, it is highly recommended for me to go abroad and Endeavour Scholarships would have an important role in achieving my personal goals. I would be thrilled to have the opportunity to study at one of the best universities in my field, to learn with renowned professors and to receive a stronger training. This will definitely change my life as it would give me the compulsory background to become the great professional I wanted to be.

Brazil faces too many issues regarding its social security system because there are a lack of well-qualified actuaries working there. Being a successful applicant of Endeavour would improve my educational skills, which would help me reach my ambitions towards Brazilian public healthcare and social security systems. Also, this would allow me to work in favor of the society, improving the services of those important institutions and benefiting my community. Without Endeavour, I would be prevented to realize my dreams about benefiting other people with my daily work.

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Janny Wilson
 
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Reply Fri 29 Jul, 2016 02:30 am
@rods2292,
I must tell you that postgraduate scholarship is the important thing and you should not rely the quality of your writing on the people who are not big professionals in it. Have you ever used online writing services? I am sure it is better to let specialist do that.
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