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United World Colleges ( UWC) Application Essay-

 
 
derri
 
Reply Sun 25 Oct, 2015 05:40 pm
“Please write a statement of not more than 300 words explaining why you are interested in attending a UWC school or college. Describe both what you might contribute and what you would hope to gain. If desired, you may include a description of your background, family and any experiences you have had in meeting people from other backgrounds than your own.”

I currently have 407 words and the limit is 300 and I also did not mention the "a description of your background, family and any experiences you have had in meeting people from other backgrounds than your own" part. I fee like I am missing something. TIPS, EDITING?? PLEASE. Let me know if some things just don't make sense or are repeated.


Have you ever read or watched something that connects with you on a deep level? This is precisely how I feel about the UWC movement and mission. Reading the UWC mission and seeing the lifestyle of UWCers I felt it was place where I needed to be, where I needed to learn, and where I needed to share. As soon as I discovered UWC through presentations, short courses and articles; and even further hearing about it from the alumni, I knew it was a remarkable opportunity to challenge myself both academically and personally. I fell in love with UWC and I know it would be an environment I would flourish in. I want to learn from and share with others and I know UWC will give me the tools to prosper and to create a positive impact in the world. UWC also provides the opportunity and encouragement to get into projects or ideas I often do not receive in Cayman. I’m not able to live by the UWC mission because I’m not encircled by people who are passionate to make changes. I also don’t feel I’m surrounded by as much diversity as I need to contribute to a vibrant education inside and outside the classroom like UWC. What also motivated me to apply is the possibility of receiving two years of IB education, which is guaranteed to be an active environment with vigorous academics, extra-curricular and CAS, all which I desperately seek. The UWC movement appealed to my dreams of using business techniques to find solutions for social problems, develop my knowledge about the environment and breaking down misunderstandings and stereotypes held around the world. I urge to expand my knowledge and contribute to the diversity of the environment, and UWC was an impeccable match. I want to learn how to perceive everything from different perspectives, which I’m confident I will learn at UWC. I’m eager to learn and hear more of people’s stories and the world as I know how much I’m unaware of. I no longer want people to see a little dot on the map when they think about the Cayman Islands, but a face they remember from an excellent ambassador of the Cayman Islands representing the culture and traditions, named Derricka. I’m confident that after two years of studying at UWC I will be able to use not only what I have gained to cultivate myself and the Cayman Islands, but the world.

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jespah
 
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Reply Mon 26 Oct, 2015 06:17 am
@derri,
I don't want to go line by line (I don't have the time this morning, sorry), but you should break down your essay into three or four sentence-long chunks. This is whether they are related or not, by the way.

Look at each of your sentences and search for redundancies, either within a sentence or from sentence to sentence. Start cutting, and be ruthless.

For example, you write,

Quote:
I no longer want people to see a little dot on the map when they think about the Cayman Islands, but a face they remember from an excellent ambassador of the Cayman Islands representing the culture and traditions, named Derricka. I’m confident that after two years of studying at UWC I will be able to use not only what I have gained to cultivate myself and the Cayman Islands, but the world.


Instead, cut the hell out of that fatty combination of sentences, to come up with something more like this -

Quote:
After two years of studying at UWC I am confident I will be able to use what I have gained to cultivate myself, the Cayman Islands, and the world.


Once you have cut within your chunks, put them together into larger chunks and see how the whole thing flows.

If you're under 300 words, start tackling the description of your background, etc. If you aren't, then seriously consider scrapping the entire essay in favor of only answering the parts you were unable to get to, and then see what you can add of your preexisting work.

But go through the editing exercise first. See where you are repeating yourself or are padding. Hint: you are padding a lot.
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