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College Essay Advice Please!

 
 
sh221b
 
Reply Wed 5 Nov, 2014 08:01 am
Prompt: Briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences.

Essay:
​ When I heard that a choreographer from Bollywood was starting a dance class in our community, I had no real intention of joining it. I was the typical Indian student: not too active and mostly spending my time doing work. However, I decided try it out, and showed up at the first session. Immediately, I was given steps to learn. I did my best to imitate the choreographer’s moves, and before I knew it, I had learned an entire dance. I was surprised at myself, and decided to try another one. The intricate movements and synchronization with the music amazed me, as did my own ability to learn. Dance not only helped me become more active, it also showed me the values of teamwork. After winning various awards and performing at several functions, I realized that dance wasn't just a hobby for me anymore–it was a part of my life.

PS.The word limit was 150

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Wed 5 Nov, 2014 09:51 am
@sh221b,
Various awards and several functions - these are both incredibly vague phrases. If you elaborate in these two areas, you can take out the 'typical Indian student' phrase, which seems a little insulting.
0 Replies
 
Ethan M
 
  0  
Reply Mon 16 Nov, 2015 02:56 am
@sh221b,
Hi there!

I agree with jespah. 'typical Indian student' phrase is a little stereotypical. Also, breaking your essay into paragraphs makes it easier to read.

When I heard that a choreographer from Bollywood was starting a dance class in our community, I had no real intention of joining it. I was like any other inactive student, mostly spending my time doing work. However, I decided try it out, and showed up at the first session.

Immediately, I was given steps to learn. I did my best to imitate the choreographer’s moves, and before I knew it, I had learned an entire dance. I liked how I surprised myself, and decided to try another one. The intricate movements and my (?) synchronization with the music amazed me, as did my own ability to learn.

Ever since, there's been no looking back. Dance not only helped me become more active, it also showed me the values of teamwork. After winning various awards and performing at several functions, I realized that dance wasn't just a hobby for me anymore–it was a part of my life.
0 Replies
 
 

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