ok, lesval....i just read your latest post....your husband is up to something. in the LEAST, he's encouraging these gals to glom on to him.
Good idea . My husband would never have the nerve to mail her and tell her not to contact him again.
I did see this girl . She isn't anything to worry about really, as far as looks go.
I think my husband just is blind to people flirting with him. Or maybe pretends to be.......
That is exactly what I felt also. He always has needed to feel like everyone thinks he is great. He is a great person, husband and father. But he does love the attention from the women. Both of his brothers had affairs and that scares me.
He didn't believe me when I told him that it is inappropriate for that girl to mail him and call him for such personal calls. He can barely talk to me about stuff for more than 5 minutes but talked to her for an hour.
Then when I found out her reputation he just said she is very friendly.
Thank goodness that contact has ended.
He said he had joked with her about when he was out riding around he could see into her bedroom window and that pissed me off and made me distrust him.
I have found it difficult to trust him since and that was 4 years ago.
The plot thickens...
I think hubby is just gonna have to suck it up and give her the bad news. It's HIS responsibility.
(Some guys, by the way, actually don't get the flirting thing. We -- yeah, we -- are dense enough to think we really are "soooooooo funny." My Lovely Bride has clued me in on this on a couple of occasions.)
george, you're great. i was hoping you'd come back to give some guy advice.
by the way, you are sooooo funny!
am not saying he cannot have any female friends
but she was his ex gf, that a different story
i agree with someone in here say, that between husband and wife, it ok to have female and male friend but when it come to Ex gf IT SHOULD NOT BE TOLLERATE
ok this is obserd, you his wife, if he need someone to talk to, it SHOULD BE YOU, not some chick that already married or used to be marry and it his EX to talk too.
tell him that, what is husband and wife suppose to be, when they marry, they want to spend the rest of their life together, talks, nothing should be personal between a husband and wife, if you can sleep in bed together then nothing should be personal.
well that what i consider, but sometimes reality just doesn't works like that.
Thanks all for the help. It is really appreciated. I am so glad to see that there is a man that gave his advice also. It is good to get a mans perspective, since I have no male friends or a brother I could talk to about these things that keep me awake at night.
Take care everyone.
LesVal: Doesn't matter who opinion or ideas they given you, at the end of decision it always be you that make the choice.
But I would like to restate some certain things to make it clear.
You his wife, you have every freaking rights in this world to ask him to leave this ex-girl of his. And even if he need someone to talk to, it should be you the one that he gonna talk to not some other chick he met before.
Like someone in here mention, between a husband and wife it can be allow opposite sex friends, but certainly not when it come to those ex-gf or ex-bf.
I am sure if he was in your shoe, and he loves you, he would not feel good if you constantly keep in touch with an ex-bf of yours.
I suggest you tell him this straight out, nothing should be a secret between a husband and wife.
I guess people think differently, some allow this things going on with their marriage and some don't.
I certainly don't, ex-gf should not be allow between a marriage. Well!! Not in my definition of marriage but again, the choice is up to you.
td8181 wrote:LesVal: Doesn't matter who opinion or ideas they given you, at the end of decision it always be you that make the choice.
But I would like to restate some certain things to make it clear.
You his wife, you have every freaking rights in this world to ask him to leave this ex-girl of his. And even if he need someone to talk to, it should be you the one that he gonna talk to not some other chick he met before.
Like someone in here mention, between a husband and wife it can be allow opposite sex friends, but certainly not when it come to those ex-gf or ex-bf.
I am sure if he was in your shoe, and he loves you, he would not feel good if you constantly keep in touch with an ex-bf of yours.
I suggest you tell him this straight out, nothing should be a secret between a husband and wife.
I guess people think differently, some allow this things going on with their marriage and some don't.
I certainly don't, ex-gf should not be allow between a marriage. Well!! Not in my definition of marriage but again, the choice is up to you.
Td, where did you get the idea that he is
with the ex gf?
He is only emailing her... and sharing the emails w/his dw... 
Quote:I am sure if he was in your shoe, and he loves you, he would not feel good if you constantly keep in touch with an ex-bf of yours.
How can you be sure of any such thing???
Quote:I guess people think differently, some allow this things going on with their marriage and some don't.
Boy, you got
that right! And I'd like to piggyback on that notion that there are dysfunctional relationships and
dysfunctional relationships... and if both partners agree that the dysfunctions are fun and acceptable for them, they can be as happy as 2 healthy people in a functional relationship, but if there is any disparity between their combined expectations and needs, then the fun stops and problems begin.
But, no matter how dysfunctional when one person begins ordering and dictating the rules verbatim for the 2, it ceases to be a partnership and becomes a dictatorship and only the most dysfunctional person will willingly happily live in such a state of matrimony. That is jmo, fwiw.
Aloha, PP
from what the author has described, i am in agreement with td8181...
That message was not to you, it was to LesVal but you have the rights to disagree with me. Everyone have different opinion and I did state that in my post. Since when did I say he was getting with her? I say even over Email, between a wife and husband, there should not be ex-gf or ex-bf allow in and I am not the only one saying this, there are other members in here whom agree with me also.
What I say and what you say don't matter, what matter is up to LesVal, it her husband, not mine or yours.
I don't even need to debate with you on this, everyone has different opinions on everything, I didn't say you wrong, it just the way you think is not the way me and some other members in here think. Ofcourse since you wonderful like that and so forgiving, I guess most guys in here would want you as their wife then, because I guess they have the freedom to see any ex-gf they want then. But to me, I don't tollerate my husband Email or seeing some other ex-gf of his, that is my preference and if any guys that love you, I am sure they will think it is alright for their wife to think like that too.
One more thing princess, first am just comparing stuff, if you have a husband already, am sorry, didn't mean to bring out a comparision like that. But seriously, I truely envy your husband, since you give him so much freedom, I guess that good, maybe it is another way to have a succeed marriage is to let your husband be free to do what ever. Like in the saying "If you love him, let him go. If he come back, he truely yours" ...... but nahhh!!! To some people it is not like that, I wouldn't tollerate my husband go email or seeing even talking to his Ex-gf, couple times is OK, but over a period of a year, that a Big No No. Just my 2 cents, didn't mean to offend you, if I did, am sorry.
LesVal: I hope you read my message to you in Page 3 and take it as a consideration, I think it might really help you out, instead of thinking and worry and wonder about this, talk to your husband is the best thing that can be done right now.
td8181 wrote:Since when did I say he was getting with her? I say even over Email, between a wife and husband, there should not be ex-gf or ex-bf allow in .
Well, that sounds like you are saying the ex gf is involved in their relationship, and I'm pretty sure she'ss only emailing the husband... although he is including the wife by bringing home the emails and having her read them which strikes me as rather bizarre... But you did say,
Quote:You his wife, you have every freaking rights in this world to ask him to leave this ex-girl of his.
Now perhaps it is some misunderstanding of semantics, but this also sounds to me like you think of him as being with his ex gf...
For the rest of your post, I wasn't really sure
who it was supposed to be addressed to, but I think it's pretty obvious that you and I have differing opinions on how relatioships ought to go~flow between a husband and a wife, so it's pretty damn lucky we aren't married to each other.
I've been reading along here with both understanding of LesVal's anxiety over the situation, but also not much worry about it.
The emails from the exgirlfriend may be slightly flirty, but don't seem dire come on's; the husband seems to like keeping the connection instead of severing it with a note of goodby, that's all, and given that he isn't acting out a renewed romance, it seems to me it's his perogative to keep the woman as a friend.
Actually, it's his perogative to be her lover as well, though that would be a blow to the marriage. Clearly he isn't doing that. (I know, some people don't make fidelity the key point in a marriage, but I am talking about the ones that do, re a blow to a marriage.)
People have, as it's been said here, different views of what is a good relationship. Some of us don't think of marriage as of some sort of hothouse wherein no party can have friends or unacted on flirtations with people of the opposite sex, and many seem to exclude possibility of friendship with old lovers at all. This all sounds very claustrophobic to me.
I prefer a marriage between two grownups who have reasonable trust, and don't live in a closed system. I think friendship over time gives life a backbone of continuity. And friendship was a component of my best past relationships.
I agree that the friendship with others shouldn't compete for time with the marriage, but this bit of emailing doesn't seem time consuming. And if a friend of my husband or lover would seem to be going after him tooth and nail, or stalking, I would surely talk to him about what he was wanting to do about it, why he wasn't cooling the person off.
I understand that association with others is a risk, but I like it better than what I see as a fear-based effort to possess the other person.
I am not personally interested in what they used to call open marriage, where one or the other person has lovers, but I don't think I want to be commandress of my mate's mind or emotions, much less the receiver of someone's command re who I might converse with.
LesVal--
I can tell you one thing I would have done by the 3rd email.
I would have responded, very politely, inquiring to how her life was going and that you and your hubby couldn't wait to hear back from her in the future.
Further, to inquire if she were in the neighborhood and could stop by for dinner or coffee and how much you'd enjoy meeting her.
I'll bet you hands down--the emails would stop cold.
or I would HOPE so.
ossobuco wrote:
People have, as it's been said here, different views of what is a good relationship. Some of us don't think of marriage as of some sort of hothouse wherein no party can have friends or unacted on flirtations with people of the opposite sex, and many seem to exclude possibility of friendship with old lovers at all. This all sounds very claustrophobic to me.
I prefer a marriage between two grownups who have reasonable trust, and don't live in a closed system. I think friendship over time gives life a backbone of continuity. And friendship was a component of my best past relationships.
I agree that the friendship with others shouldn't complete for time with the marriage, but this bit of emailing doesn't seem time consuming. And if a friend of my husband or lover would seem to be going after him tooth and nail, or stalking, I would surely talk to him about what he was wanting to do about it, why he wasn't cooling the person off.
I understand that association with others is a risk, but I like it better than what I see as a fear-based effort to possess the other person.
You said what I was trying to say, but better. Thank you for saying it again, and better. Perhaps it will be better received the 2nd time around...
Thanks again for the guidance on this matter. It is very interesting to see different peoples views on this situation. I am kind of uptight about the contact only because I really get a bad vibe from her and don't trust her at all. If the tones of the mail were different then it wouldn't bother me as much.
She actually had the nerve to ask him if we were going to have more children. Then she said "oh you just like to practice at it, right?"
I REALLY didn't like that and felt it was a very inappropriate thing to say to him.
Angry Waves - I agree with you on the inviting her over. That is a great idea and I very well may do that. Knowing her she would come over I bet.
She has nerve to say HE LIKES TO PRACTICE AT MAKING A BABY !!!!!!!!!!
LesVal wrote:She actually had the nerve to ask him if we were going to have more children. Then she said "oh you just like to practice at it, right?"
I REALLY didn't like that and felt it was a very inappropriate thing to say to him.
So, what did he say he emailed back in response? Curious princesses want to know...
He said "of course I do.
Guess that was ok he is a man !!
