Surprised, why do husbands have wandering eyes

What's the matter M? I'm trying to paint a picture from it, for your birthday, of course.

Oh well, in that case, carry on ;-)

Discussion
Hi. I'm new to this site but was very interested in the subject given that I have been having some issues myself with my husband. Now we share alot of pornography together, with my blessing, (and insistence sometimes ), we have a healthy sex life, though probably not often enough for both. He still relishes his magazines, videos, and internet sites that he visits by himself, whether he masturbates or not I do not know. I've "caught" him usually when I come home too "early" from work and he's "releasing". I have a hard time with it because I don't understand. Now I am not saying I need to understand...it is his body and just because I am married to him does not mean that only I am allowed to tough his penis...himself included. What I don't understand, which a male person might be able to clue me in, is if he is interested in sex, and I am going to be home in a half hour, why doesn't he wait for me? IMHO, now with his "release" on board, he will be less likely to ask me later on for sex. He says no but of course he would say that. I understand that novelty is exciting, and sometimes I just want sex and not to make love too. I don't agree with Debra...I think nothing has any meaning except the meaning we give it...therefore if a partner chooses to be hurt by something, it is their issue. They just have to decide as an individual if that issue is a deal breaker. Adultery would probably be a deal breaker for me but there are many couples who have open marriages and are very happy. So is adultery inherently wrong? No. Some of us choose that value as a deal breaker. So is looking at pornography inherently wrong? No. Is my husband trying to hurt me by doing it? No. Am I choosing to be hurt by it? Yes. Why? I don't know. I can logically figure out that I shouldn't be, but those feelings sneak back in. I think it is a control issue too, but I also think it has something to do with the fairy tale that doesn't exist. I want to be #1 and when he does those things, I don't feel like I am #1. I feel like I am just the warm body to finish off whatever latest fantasy he has had with the buxom lesbian beauties on the screen. Geez, am I messed up.

antiporn
I think being against porn and the amount of control it has on the relationship depends on how the two discussed it pre-marriage. I believe that if a man knows that it hurts his wife to view pornography in any way shape or form that he should keep his fantasies in his head the same as she does. In my case, my husband and I agreed no porn . . . now he's keeping it behind my back . . . which is damaging to our relationship and affects our sexual relationship because his need for visual fantasy has disgusted me to the point that I don't find him sexually attractive anymore. There is no correct answer to how to deal with the situation for the general populous. I agree that for couples who are alright with it then it is healthy for them. For a wife who is not happy with it and her husband knows that and continues to do it, it is disrespect for the wife and harmful to the relationship and the husband apparently does not care or his 'need' for this sort of stimulation over-rides his need for a healthy relationship with his spouse. I believe that in this situation it is a problem. I see more and more posts with this as the subject so it obviously is a large problem in the world and I'm sure that it accounts for a good percentage of divorces. It might even get to add my marriage to the list soon. There are my two cents.

I hear you loud and clear...and sometimes I believe it. I agree that if you were up front with your husband from the get go that you don't approve of porn and would not allow it in the relationship and he CHOSE to continue the relationship, then he is in the wrong. My husband and I choose to include it sometimes. To me, no matter who I was as a woman (Christie Brinkley, etc), if I was the ONLY woman he could look at, I would become routine, even if I was "perfect". I actually think that his visualizing other women allows him to appreciate my uniqueness, instead of being tired of it. I guess what I really am adverse to is being left out (control issue maybe?) and feeling "replaced" when he engages in watching pornography alone. I was steamed the other day when he had off from work because of the recent hurricanes, of course I had to work, and when I came home from work for lunch, he was quickly shutting down the computer so I wouldn't see what he was looking at (yes, it was porn). He wasn't masterbating or anything, but I feel like I'm intruding on a private moment in my own home. Like he's thinking "Damn, she came home and ruined my good time." In those cases, I feel like a third wheel and I don't like it.

What to believe?
I have read many view points on the porn issue. They have all been very helpful...Thank you. I am writing in because I have a trust issue with my husband. Like many of you, I have found that he has been looking at porn on our PC. He does this when I am at work.

I would not have such a problem with it if it were not for circumstances that have happened in the past. We have had 2 babies in 2 years. My self esteem about my own body image leaves alot to be desired. During my first pregnancy we were at a bar (I own a business doing karaoke), and I was waiting to set up when his cel phone rang. It was this girl who had been flirting with him for quite some time. I asked him how she got his number and he told me that someone else must of given it to her. I asked to see his phone. Her number was in his phone book. She showed up at the bar. I asked her how she got his private cel number. She replied that he gave it to her at lunch one day. He had never told me about having lunch with her. Things were very tense. She eventually left and he started yelling and screaming at me. He to this day insists that nothing went on between them. That he didn't realize that she was attratcted to him.

About 2 months after that he had been spending alot of time on the PC, I walked up to him and gave him a kiss and told him that I would like to spend some time with him. He agreed that we would go to a movie that night. He went back to the PC. He never came out of the office to go to a movie. We got into this huge fight over it. He told me he wanted a divorce. I was devastated. I was 6 months pregnant, not working and 2 other children to care for. I begged him to go to a marriage counselor with me. He did. Things got better for awhile. Then last april I found an email he had sent to a "friend" telling HER to call him at work, because he didn't want his wife to know, and asking her out to lunch. I was 9 months pregnant with our last baby at this time. I started out following him at lunch time to see who he was meeting up with. Then I just decided this was too much on me and I confronted him on it. Again, he was angry with me. He later told me that this was just a friend and that he thought I would be jealous if I had known. I made him send an email to her telling her that his wife is not the jealous type and that he was wrong to ask her out for lunch and not tell his wife. So far, she has not replied, or at least he hasn't shown me a reply. I want to make this clear that I am not the jealous type. He has lunches with female co-workers all the time. That does not bother me, so why hide this? Yes, I did start reading his emails, and snooping. I wouldn't of done it before. I have begged him for date nights, lunches with me, etc. He doesn't have the time.

Now I have discovered that he is looking at porn on the internet. He says that it is just a "hardwired man thing". I see a correlation of mistrust. He doesn't think that one has to do with the other. He is a computer geek, so I am sure that he hides alot of stuff from me. He says that it is my problem that I don't trust him. I tell him that he needs to earn my trust back. I want him to spend some of his time romancing me would be a big help. I don't know how to get him to do that. He is also 6 yrs. younger than I am. I feel that maybe he made a mistake in marrying someone older. He says that he will not make a habit out of looking at porn anymore, he has declined to look at it with me. I would not know if he did, because I am sure he his covering his tracks quite a bit better now.

Any advice? What are your thoughts? Is he the cheating kind? Am I being overly suspicioius? I wouldn't feel so bad if he were giving me the attention that I need.

I never, ever, ever look at porn online.

porn et al
Hey wifey. After reading your post, it seems to me that your husband is cheating on you or has cheated on you. The problem is the lying. It is one thing to give someone your #, or have them on your "rolodex", but to lie to you about it...there is no reason to do that except to cover something up. There is no way a man would lie about a platonic friend to his wife to "avoid a confrontation". If anything, they would encourage the challenge because when they were proved right, then the wife would feel bad and get off their back. He keeps turning around his misbehavior into YOUR character faults! Trying to tear you down. A truely loving husband would build you up so that you would know without a shadow of a doubt that you are his only one. He is trying to make you second guess yourself so that you blame you (your body, your busy lifestyle, WHATEVER). That way, if you blame yourself for his indiscretion, then you will look the other way (he never would have done that if I was thinner, more attentive, less tired, etc.) Those are all just ludicrous excuses for a man wanting his cake and to eat it too. I implore you to continue therapy and get to the root of this problem because if things continue to remain as they are, it seems to me you are better off without him.

Husband Cheating? Porn etal
Thank you very much for the reply TTTT. He said that he didn't remember giving her his number at lunch that day. He said that he invites everyone to his "Friday" lunches. He was attempting to set her up with one of his friends. I called two of his friends that always show up to lunch. They had not remembered meeting her. When I told him this, he was again angry with me for calling his friends. Later, he told me that one of them had remembered meeting her and told him. Neither of them has told me that they met her. A few weeks after that she showed up to karaoke. A mutual friend of her's and mine told me to go and talk to her. That she was sure that Tracy's intentions were not to have an affair with my husband. She did not know however, that Tracy had lunch with him. I was at the DJ stand and I left my husband there to take over so that I could talk to Tracy. She got up as soon as she saw me coming and walked right past me (within 3 feet) to go talk to my husband. My husband ignored her. She left the bar. I haven't seen her since. Before all this I knew that she had a crush on him. He would sit down and talk to her for quite a bit at karaoke. She would show up to parties at our house. I had never invited her, because I knew she had a thing for him. He said that Susan must of told her about the party. She actually followed him into our bedroom! When she came to the parties, I tried to talk to her. She didn't have much to say to me, but seemed to be waiting to talk to Tim (my husband). She would get drunk at the bar and put her arms around him. How could he miss all this? I have considered calling her. I have never done so. And if I did what would I say? How could I get her to tell me the truth? If she is bold enough to go after someone's husband who is pregnant and she came to our wedding! The one thing I can see is that she is not the intelligent type, my husband wouldn't last long with her. But on the other hand she seemed to know way too much about my husband's habits. For instance Tim and I were having a disagreement on who the artist was for a song. She said, better go look that up on the computer Tim. That was the first thing he intended to do.
This happened almost 2 years ago. The reason it still upsets me is because of the other email I found. We were also married less than 7 months when it happened. My husband is very loving other wise. But as of the last 5 months we have been very busy. I will be waiting to spend some quality time with him and when we actually have a day together, he will start a fight over something I didn't say the right way or something that seems to me very small and he will be mad at me for most of the day. Since I have been planning and wanting to spend the day with him, I have no other plans. I can't go anywhere and I feel incredibly lonely.

Since yesterday, I told him that we needed to see a marriage counselor or I wanted a divorce. He didn't like the marriage counselor that we had before. So I told him to pick one. But that HE had to make the call. We have an appointment this afternoon. He made the call . Wish me luck in love!!
Wifey.

Wifey
Hey that is great!!! Actions always speak louder than words so he is telling you loud and clear that he is interested in saving the marriage. Good for you! I hope it works out. Remember, it is your husbands commitment to you that has to be kept. Tracy has no commitment to you so what she does or doesn't do is irrelevant. It is up to your husband AT ALL TIMES to be sure that what happens between himself and another person is respectful of his marriage vows, no matter what the other person says or does. Unless they have a gun to his head, his behavior is always his choice. I hope he continues to behave in a manner that communicates his desire to save the marriage and make it a strong one. As long as you feel you can choose to trust him, then you are golden. Sounds like he has a real catch...I hope he decides to keep you . Keep me posted.

Things are looking up!
Thank you for the support TTTTT! It almost seemed like mission impossible to get to the marriage counselor yesterday, but I made it! One of my sons came home from school sick, grandma took him. We ended up bringing both babies to the counselor. The couselor had toys there, and all was well.

The counselor said that I did have reason to be suspicious but that he did apologized for lying to me, and explained to him how important it was to tell the truth. She said that he does seem to love me very much. That I need to learn to trust him. Trust has been an issue. Mainly b/c I had a boyfriend before who wanted an open relationship, he put personal ads for women on the net etc...He had been very demeaning to me in every aspect of my life. I didn't realize that he had done so much damage!

My husband also did the very sweetest thing. My wedding band has been broken for some time now and it is irreparable. I had put down money on a new one but haven't been able to afford to pay off the rest. He is putting more money on it for me for christmas and for HIS birthday present in Janurary he wants me to be happy so he is paying off the ring. I feel so much better!! Looks like I did get lucky in love!!

Peace be with you!! Have a merry christmas!
Wifey