Surprised, why do husbands have wandering eyes

He has two sex lives
I don't understand. Apparently he has two sex lives: the one he shares with you; and the one he has with himself through masturbation & porn.

He apparently needs "this time to himself" as an essential part of his sexual existence. I think it's an unhealthy porn addiction and I think you have cause to be concerned. However, I have no idea how you should handle the situation.

what to do?
Maybe this link will help:

What to Do When Your Spouse Has an Addiction to Pornography

Re: Surprised, why do husbands have wandering eyes


This behavior hasn't escalated, right? He's not ignoring you in the bedroom to go masterbate to porn, right? He's not doing it in front of other people, or to pictures of children? He's not doing anything illegal in the act, right? Imnsho, this isn't anything serious except your need to control him... Let's suppose that instead of sex, it was about drinking coffee or tea. Let's say that tea is masterbation to his porn, and coffee is sex with you. Would you feel right telling him he had to quit drinking tea because you felt he tarnished his love for you when he drank tea? Doesn't your position sound silly now? I think you are overreacting, and while I love Deb like a sistah, she's wrong in her assessment of his behavior as "unhealthy." If he were ignoring you to do it, or doing it pervertedly, yes, that would be unhealthy, but he's not. He's just spending some time by himself amusing himself... Get over it and yourself.

Jmnsho, PP

99.9% of men enjoy a "quick-one-off-the-wrist" at varying frequencies, from thrice-a-day to once-a-year. He could quite as easily masturbate in the bath, shower, sitting on the toilet, and you'd probably never even notice he was doing it. The fact that he uses photos doesn't make it any different from using his imagination - it's just a visual aid to a sexual release.

Again, sorry I haven't been of more use, but I thought a man's POV would help you a little.

hi pantuuf, i understand how you are feeling.

let me give my opinion regarding the healthy vs. not healthy view on this topic...i think that a husband/or committed partner who uses pornography when they know that it makes the wife/partner feel less of themselves...is unhealthy. you have already voiced your concerns to him about this, right? simply put, your husband is being selfish if he is continuing the use in your home where he knows you could be hurt by it. ex: finding it on the comp, etc.

in all other situations, where the wife/partner doesn't mind...it's healthy.

the viewing of ladies clothed online while masturbating, to me, is also a fantasy for him. i wouldn't like it. it would make me feel just as badly as the porn.

now, what makes you different from wives/partners who do not mind? you were raised more conservatively, probably. and maybe even a little sheltered?

You may also not be as confident with your body/looks as the other wives... and i could be wrong on these assumptions. the point is, this is about you. for some reason, it bothers you and your husband knows this. he needs to stop this activity if he truly cares for you. if he HAS to participate in this fantasy stuff...he can do it in his mind while having sex with you.

I agree with Debra and Pam. I've been there myself and know how hurtful it is. Most men will tell you that it's normal, but that's simply because they don't give a **** about your feelings and want to continue to do what they want to do. I don't care what anyone says, by your husband doing this, it has to have an effect on him making love to you.

Honestly, I've never had a problem with this, nor has my husband. But I don't think married people are obligated to give up masturbation (with or without porn) just because they're married. There's a world of difference between that and "making love."

Couples don't always need the same frequency, either, and there's no reason one of them should be continually frustrated, or the other should have to constantly "put out" when they don't feel like it. And then there are those times when one of the partners is busy, out of town or ill...or just not in the mood! I think everyone should know how to take care of their own needs. Knowing yourself makes it easier to communicate to your partner about what works for you (and what doesn't.)

That said, if the porn/masturbation thing is taking the place of sex with your partner, THEN you have a real problem.

I think Montana, Deb and Pam and the original questioner need to read Grand Duke's response, and Eva's.

I very much agree with Eva. I think you can't really have it both ways -- if you don't want to have sex, and he has a high libido, he has the right to do something about it. Masturbating to porn is much less destructive than having an affair, for example.

I would really recommend counseling -- "regular" counseling or a sex therapist -- to help you guys get through this and figure out how to get to a happy medium. Right now I don't think either of you would be happy with the middle ground -- he still masturbates and looks at porn but less, you guys have sex more -- and that you need to work towards it.

Good luck!

I suppose since this was such an issue with my ex, I can't really look at it any other way, so maybe I shouldn't respond to questions such as these. If I've offended anyone, I apologize!

...

Are you saying it's ok for one spouse to control the other's behavior? Does this only apply to sexual behavior, or does it extend to other behavior as well? Like, for instance, can one spouse tell the other to quit a job? Can one tell the other when and where and how much to eat? Arguments could be made where either of these could be perceived as harmful to the marriage.




Well, at leaast you aren't suggesting a program of marriage which includes mind control...

What is different about him thinking about it while doing you over thinking about it and self pleasuring himself? What makes one wrong, and the other right, in your estimation? If he doesn't behave properly, would you recommend withholding a reward until he modifies his behavior to suit you?

Thanks everyone for your responses, I love hearing from both sides of the fence. I do think that his use of porn has taken away from our sex lives in both intimacy and frequency in the past, as I am always rairing to go and don't ever turn him down.

We are working through this now and I think there is light at the end of the tunnell, we will find a happy compromise and I will learn to understand him and work on my own issues.

Thanks again for the help.

Oh, if you're always raring to go, that's a different spin on it.

Do you approach him? You say you don't turn him down, but do you go ahead and seduce him?

I'm glad you're making progress!

This porn/masturbation question seems to be a real hot topic lately. From what I have read the woman usually feels that the husband is somehow "cheating" on her or at the very least making her feel unwanted.

I think it is not so much a question of porn as much as insecurity. But I don't think any of the partners need to feel this way. Pam mention something to the affect of having the fantasy in his mind while making love to her. I think this is much more damaging then an occasional visual aid while "rubbing one off."

I can only speak for myself but sometime I just need a release. I don't want any emotion. I don't want any foreplay. If my wife is there and willing she is always option number one. If she isn't then there is always option number two. Sometimes a visual aid just helps get things going. It isn't that I am fantasizing about being with another woman, or wishing that my wife was different somehow ...it just helps speed up the process.

I think the way we look at sex is quite different. I think for women it tends to be more emotional. I am not trying to say that men do not look at sex as an emotional thing, but, sometimes it is more of an animalistic (is that a word) urge that just needs taking care of. Almost like a chore like taking out the garbage or washing the dishes...it just needs to be done sometimes.

Does that make sesnse?

It makes sense to me.

And I think the hot topic thing is kind of self-perpetuating -- people do a Google search, find us, ask another similar question, etc.

Hello jpinMilwauke,

You do make a lot of sense, thank you for the reply, I really like the way you have phrased things, it makes it easy for a gal like me to understand.

Sozobe, yes I have approached him but he likes to be the pursuer, which has caused a bit of arguements in the past and worsened the situation, which also led to me seizing all seduction for fear of rejection. I think he is open to talk more now and my approaches may start up again. It helps when we talk openly and honestly about our feelings and he is beginning to understand that I don't want to control him or shame him, only understand so I can feel okay about us. I was raised very sheltered in terms of sex, my mother told me virutally nothing except that to "play with yourself is dirty". I know now that this is not true but guess the whole porn issue came a a bit of a surprise to me as I did not know it was as "normal" and prevalent in a marriage.

Thanks again,

I just want to point out, pantuff, that using porn isn't always innocent or "normal." If he is obsessive about it and neglects you in favor of it I would say that it is not healthy. If this is the case perhaps you need some professional advice.

"Talking openly and honestly about your feelings" is always a good idea. In fact, it is a good idea to talk openly and honestly about almost everything. Best of luck to you. I hope everything works out fine.

jpinMilwaukee

Hear, hear.

Masturbation and making love are as different as walking down to the cigarette machine and wandering through a forest to reach a wondrous view. The latter's more worth it. But sometimes you're just not up to it.

Making love is a beautiful thing. It also requires a little bit of focus, a little bit a sweet lovin' - some caring, some devotion. Sometimes you just dont wanna go to all of that. You're too lazy or too tired to spend the attention your lover would deserve. You're not interested in the love, just the release. Sometimes you just dont want to feel all the feelings making love makes you feel, even if its only a quicky - you just want to come, for noone in particular. Sometimes you're feeling egoist, dont want to think about what the other would like, need, etc - just wanna have it, move on. Whatever. Whats the choice? Lead your loved one to have sex with you when you know you're not really up to lovin' her properly, giving her what she needs? Or take care of yourself for the mo'?

And yeah, sometimes you might even actually wanna entertain a fantasy that doesnt include the dearly loved one thats in your life every day - just a moment out of reality. What if that means that for this one minute (OK - ten :wink: ), you're not the primary thing on his mind? It's daydreaming! Don't you ever lie in the grass on a nice summer's day and engage in a flight of fancy about being with Mel Gibson on that special adventure? Damn, we all need a break from reality sometimes - even if the reality is pretty. A pause from expectations - cause actual sex does come (and should come) with some expectations, at least. Masturbation on the other hand is just what it is.

[quote="nimh]
Masturbation and making love are as different as walking down to the cigarette machine and wandering through a forest to reach a wondrous view. The latter's more worth it. But sometimes you're just not up to it.
[/quote]

Bravo.

One can put the question the other way around, and excuse me for putting it bluntly: Do you want that absolutely all of your husband's ejaculations to finish inside your body?

The key is if porno is an obsession. Be back later.