A few months ago i met a girl from where i work.
She came onto me in the taxi home. And from then for a few weeks we did all the sex stuff together even though she had a boyfriend for 4 years+. She then tore my soul out by a text saying that she wants us to be just mates again. We meet once a week with our other friends who we know and for a few weeks when our mates had gone (They found out and didn''t approve of it!) we would go somewhere quiet and just kiss, thats all. Now it's come to the time when she doesn't want to do that now. She says she loves me but not in that way (what ever that means!!!!) I do still have very strong feelings for her but at the same time I want her to be happy and not want to see me because she'd feel guilty if she didn't. It's hard being around her and not being comfortable in play touching her like we did. She even notices me edging up to her in the place where we meet our friends. I dont want to lose her as a friend. I've been told to let her do the chasing and give her the silent treatment. What should I do?????????? please help me.
You have now become the other guy. It will never work, if she hasn't dumped the boyfriend yet. Think twice before fooling around with women already involved...
Plus, if you did get her, what makes you think she wouldn't do the same to you?
Something to think about...
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ossobuco
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Mon 6 Sep, 2004 09:44 pm
There is a reason that people say not to sleep where you eat, to paraphrase, about having a romance (or relationship sans romance, as the case may be) with someone at work.
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Montana
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Tue 7 Sep, 2004 02:04 am
No relationship is worth keeping if there are games involved. I'd hit the highway if I were you. If she's cheating on her boyfriend now, she'd do the same to you in the long run. Trust me.
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Montana
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Tue 7 Sep, 2004 02:05 am
Oh, and welcome to A2K :-)
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td8181
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Tue 7 Sep, 2004 02:20 am
No kidding, but I be hitting the highway too, this is not worth it, I mean if she perfect and everything, those good qualities then it ok, but someone that are like that, I say I would try to forget her. It hard, but time will heal everything, hopefully.
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Roystonius
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Tue 7 Sep, 2004 04:42 am
Getting over an illicit relationship
1st of all thanks everyone for replying to my dilemma i really appreciate it. I was at my wits end until a while ago. I know what you all say is right. I still want to be the best of mates with her if possible and i'm sure it is.
If i start ignoring her completely then i'll feel bad about it.
I did atctually think that if me and her got together whats to stop her doing the same thing to me?? I'm meant to be seeing her thursday evening where more revelations will come to the surface i dare say. Is it better if i start looking for another girl? So she knows what she's missing?
I'm almost certain she'd say well done. At least on the surface but underneath i dont know what she'd be thinking. I dont want to hurt her.
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Bodhisattvawannabe
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Tue 7 Sep, 2004 05:13 am
"Is it better if i start looking for another girl? So she knows what she's missing? "
That's more game playing.
"I dont want to hurt her."
It doesn't sound to me like you'd be hurting her by cutting it off. But you are hurting yourself by continuing it.
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Justthefax
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Tue 7 Sep, 2004 07:28 am
Love relationships are best one on one. When one partner wants love in their life from more than one partner, that person is not looking for a commitment in a relationship. If you think she will leave the other guy for you, well that may happen, however at some time she may want to have a third or fourth man in her life, and you would not like that. Find a woman who wants to have the one on one relationship. You will be beter off.
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Mr Alice Porkrind
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Tue 7 Sep, 2004 08:26 am
Most women will pee on your leg, then tell you it's raining. I hope you finally wised up from this experience.
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Bodhisattvawannabe
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Tue 7 Sep, 2004 09:12 am
I've had my leg peed on a time or two, also.
I certainly learned my lesson.
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Roystonius
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Tue 7 Sep, 2004 09:33 am
Getting over an illicit relationship
It is possible to remain close friends with her though isn't it?
Silly i know, but i dont want to forget the memories we had together. Having said that she hasn't text me yet to a message i sent her 15 minutes ago!!
I really want to remain good mates with her if i cant have anything more from her. It's just annoying me now, why wont she respond?????????
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sozobe
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Tue 7 Sep, 2004 09:37 am
I don't know about that, Roystonius. The only times I personally have seen good friendships in this situation is when they spent a fair amount of time completely apart (like, years.) You have said that you have strong feelings for her yet, you get annoyed when she takes more than 15 minutes to respond to a text message -- I don't see it working.
I think it's too likely that to you, "friendship" will be "be close to her and hope she changes her mind", and when she DOESN'T change her mind -- she's made her feelings clear -- it will be more and more frustrating for you. Even if she does change her mind temporarily, it'd just be a rollercoaster. Again, she's made her feelings clear.
Move on.
Good luck.
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Roystonius
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Tue 7 Sep, 2004 09:48 am
Getting over an illicit relationship
I'm not doubting that i have feelings for her still but the thought of not having her as a friend still is heartbreaking for me. I dont know what id do if she didn't want that. She starts work at 5pm but i thought she might of tried to contact me before she starts. I dont think shes trying to fob me off by not replying really. She's too nice not to be at least a friend to. When she's had a few drinks she tends to come out of her shell a bit more and i feel i'm speaking to the real her then. I dont think shes some sort of slapper either, just unsure of what she wants from various people.
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sozobe
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Tue 7 Sep, 2004 11:12 am
I think having her as a friend... and only a friend... will end up being even more heartbreaking for you, Roy.
That's just my take on things, though, sometimes it works out. I think when it works out it's when romance is explicitly off the table, though, from both.
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Mr Alice Porkrind
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Tue 7 Sep, 2004 03:14 pm
Stick a hot pepper up your butt, then jump in the swimming pool. My grandpa Hef suggested that remedy for closure.
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cavfancier
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Tue 7 Sep, 2004 03:39 pm
Mr Alice Porkrind wrote:
Stick a hot pepper up your butt, then jump in the swimming pool. My grandpa Hef suggested that remedy for closure.
I've always found this technique to encourage 'openness', not 'closure.'
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Roystonius
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Tue 7 Sep, 2004 04:44 pm
Getting over an illicit relationship
I'm not going to stop speaking to her i like her too much as a friend anyhow. When she 1st wanted to cool things off she wrote in the message can we go back to being just friends. I know it'll be hard for me to look at her in a different light but i want to remain friends with her above all other things. If she asked me to decide to have sex with her and then forget she exists or just remain friends for ever and not mention the past i would definetely do the latter. I care for her and we are so alike in terms of sense of humour, laughter, etc. She's still important to me no matter the circumstances. Perhaps i should be trying to get another girl? Might help me forget what me and her did together??????
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ossobuco
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Tue 7 Sep, 2004 08:32 pm
Roy, most of us here know the pain of having someone be so right and not think we are the right person to be with for now and perhaps ever. It is a painful part of life.
Many people do end up marrying someone who isn't as "right" re humor, and so on. Sometimes that works out, as love is not really just the beginning infatuation, er, routine, it is a product of care.
As old as I am, I don't know the answer, except, again, you can't make anyone love you. It is almost an oxymoron.
On the other hand, life is long. You are still growing mentally and emotionally.
Plus, as I said before, relationships at work, though understandable are at least risky, and often against company policy... for good reasons.
Not to be too onerous here, I am very happy I did have my work relationships. They are just not very advisable.
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cavfancier
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Wed 8 Sep, 2004 04:10 am
If you want to try to remain good mates, that is your road to hell to pave. I wouldn't suggest going down it though. I would suggest trying to find someone unattached. This one, who is really playing you for a fool, will not be the last one who shares things in common with you.
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