For the men...need your insight regarding husbands and porn

http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=24727&highlight=

Here's a current thread on this topic

Were this a resort for your husband in your absence, i could understand it. Men are visually stimulated, so that i could also understand it if you were willing to indulge in this with him. But if you are not absent, and you are not interested, i consider it bad form for him to indulge. More than that, i consider it a quesionable obsession on his part.

>>Is it really true that men don't really want to be with these fantasy women, nor do they compare us to them (as I consider myself a very regular gal thus no contest to the porn chicks)?

Women in porn are sex objects period. There is no real intimacy involved, and that is the ultimate problem with porn. It slowly removes the connection of human intimacy to sexual desire.

>>Is it possible for a happy man use porn on a regular basis and still love his wife the same way?

Hmmm. In my opinion NO. I'm sure many men will not agree with me but I have only used porn when I was single or when I was not having sex with my wife. I have recently begun using porn again because my wife refuses sex with me. If I was having sex with my wife once a week or so, I don't think I would ever need/want porn in my life. I do think it is destructive to a marriage.

>>I hear that porn "has nothing to do with the wife and is a purely selfish act", what does that mean?

If a wife is extremely conservative and has little interest in sex, I could see a man needing to view something more interesting to feed his fantasies. As an example I once had a friend who was married and his wife refused to perform oral sex on him. He became addicted to internet porn as he collected photos of women performing oral sex on men.

Sex for men is more of a physical urge rather than a component of an emotional relationship. Sometimes, men just need to "knock one off" without the emotional involvement of another person. I know that when my wife was very open to quickies and BJs, I had one less reason to even think about using porn.

Men will always want to look at naked women though. You can't fight that, no way.

Hello SteveH,

Thanks for your post, it is really helpful. In the past our sex life has suffered but not from me not being interested, I think he turned to porn due to boredom, depression and habit and then had nothing left for me. This turned into a viscious cycle as I felt resentful and insecure and often blamed the porn.

We've finally been able to talk openly about it and I feel a lot better but still wish I could know that looking at naked women does not mean that he does not want me or that I am lacking. I guess my question is: are these two things very separate, having nothing to do with each other? Kind of like eating burritos has nothing to do with loving pizza?

Thanks again for your help, sorry about your situation. Why is your wife holding back? I am happy to help you with a gals perspective if needed.

I may be a bad resource here, as a happily married man who has no interest in porn. Quite frankly, I just don't get it. If I'm going to look at a naked woman, I prefer it to be my wife.

Cav, Your wife is a lucky lady, indeed.

I am also a lucky man.

Pantuuf, I have something to say about your challenge...I'm going for a run, and I will think about it and come back...

Hi Pantuuf:
Have you asked him this question? For me personally, and every man is different - I am able to separate what I view in porn and what I see in my wife. BTW, I feel that 99% of porn is gross in general. I wish I would never resort to using it.

I'll try to illustrate this with another story: A few years ago I went to a friends bachelor party. The party was in a hotel room and there were probably 20 guys, approximately half were single, half were married. So in comes the stripper. I will spare you the graphic details but what I found interesting was that it was the married guys that were most affected and animated by the actions of the stripper. The single guys were all pretty calm - no big deal. I came to the conclusion that for married men, porn/strippers, etc. provided an outlet for their sexual fantasies that may not be acceptable in the eyes of their wives.

Look, I'm the last person that should be handing out advice given my marriage is in shambles but if I were in your situation I would offer to fulfull one of your husbands sexual fantasies. You obviously have every right to refuse if it's unreasonable to you. I know my sexual fantasies that I would love my wife to fulfill are pretty bland overall. But boy, that would sure make me feel like my wife wanted me, not just in the physical sense either.



Thanks. It's difficult to summarize a 10 year slide in a marriage but my wife feels that I harbor resentment and anger towards her and that it comes out in passive/agressive ways. For this reason, she doesn't have the emotional closeness and trust and therefore, sex is not an option at this time. The problem is that when she withholds sex (for long periods, I might add) it fuels resentment and becomes a circle that we can't break out of. I don't want to hijaak your thread so I will leave it at that.

Good luck and keep talking to your husband. I always feel a lot better when I talk honestly to my wife even if we can't come to an agreement on much.

-Steve

My husband has no interest in porn. But then, he has me.

Erotica in literature is something he can appreciate, though.

Pantuuf,

I think that it's fairly safe to say that it's like burritos and pizza...

Although if he's not giving you the loving that you want/need then it isn't acceptable and you need to talk to him about it. Your (yours and his) loving needs to come first.

Steve was talking about some pretty heavy issues about using sex for control in the relationship - and if you've got that stuff going on it's a whole separate issue of which the porn is only a symptom.

But hey, what do I really know...I'm just another voice in the choir...

Good luck with everything.

pantuuf, you say you are happily married...i'm sure you can stay that way as long as your husband meets your emotional/sexual needs. i like what jer said. if your husband is ignoring you, and only using porn, then it becomes a problem.

i do believe that a guy can view porn and still be madly in love with his wife.

my situation was easy to solve...thankfully. i had no idea that my sweet, innocent, doll of a man was looking at such FILTH! (my opinion only.) my whole idea of him changed when i found that stuff on the computer! it was like i saw him in a completely different way. and it wasn't a good way. when we talked rationally and calmly about it...he began to understand how it made me feel. i also understood why he was looking at it. anyway, he stopped. voila! we are now back to normal.

i'm sure your husband loves you and thinks you're beautiful...you should do as steveH says: talk to him about it again and again until he understands that it is hurtful to you.

if my husband would not have stopped...i'd be livid. keep us posted and best wishes!

Hello Pam-O,

Thank you for the post. I have spoken to my husband and explained how much I am hurting, however I think because I went about things the wrong way in the beginning (getting furious and yelling/shaming him) he still does not get it. I think he thinks I am trying to control him, just like a mother figure would. He has tried to stop in the past and promised never to do it again. He says when he promises that he means it but over time he goes back to it.

He has since admitted that he does not think he will ever stop, he says it is a part of who he is and he enjoys using is imagination and being creative. He goes on-line only about once per week and I have seen what he views and it is not too bad considering what else is available on the net (he just looks at plain photos, sometimes with just a breast exposed). He has said that he loves me and that only wants to be with me and will NEVER cheat on me but he cannot accept that I am the only sexual outlet for him, he says that he is hard wired this way and it is ashamed that evolution has not changed this yet. He says that humans are in the middle of the change from primative animals to enlightened beings and often the primative part comes out.

I think with time this issue will diminish for me, it is just that I need to shatter the unrealistic fairy tale idea of love and marriage that I have held for so long.

Thanks again for your help!

The man needs to play with his pecker. This goes back to his childhood and can only be cured with deep psychotherapy and hypnosis. The man is going to Hell without intervention. Another alternative and effective treatment is when this individual has his meat extended in front of the screen, take a closed umbrella and beat the living daylights out of it.

Drastic . . . but likely to be effective, in a twisted sort of way . . .

im a man and i just want to say that a man doesnt look at porn because he doesnt love his wife he goes on because he likes to see naked women and sometime masturbate its like an addiction so dont worry about it, and a study showed that masturbating is very good 4 u

I think porn can have an effect on a sexual relationship - I won't go into details but I think my tastes have changed over the years after looking at too much porn. It can also make us guys think that women can be switched on and off like, ermmmm, a thing with a switch on it.

I would say that I can't believe that some of you are defending porn but, with one look at the world today, I can't say that I should be surprised.

What happens between a man and a woman is sacred. Frankly, I don't even like to watch people kissing in the movies, because that is where the "sacred" act of love starts. In fact, this is exactly the point at which a man needs to stop watching. The simple expression on a woman's face that says "God, I'm in heaven" even when she is just being kissed is what gets men addicted to looking at and, much worse, thinking obsessively about sexual relations with women (whom he shouldn't be thinking about).

Since I have decided to start being so strict about what I let myself see, I have found myself spending very little time dwelling on thoughts of infidelity. Now, admittedly, when a beautiful woman is actually present in the same room I will, like any man, be quite interested in getting a good look at her. But the simple fact that I do not watch a woman while she is in any state of passion means that I do not struggle with thoughts of lust (when women are not present) like I used to years ago.

For those that think that porn has "legitimate uses", I couldn't disagree with you more. It isn't a question of whether or not it degrades women-in fact, it degrades both men and women. But even worse, it degrades one of the most precious gifts given to mankind, the completely ecstastic expression of love between two people.

Call me boring, call me a traditionalist, but God has shown me quite clearly that this is prudent and holy for a man who loves his wife and family.

I could analyze all the implications of eating a piece of chocolate cake, but why bother? It's just a piece of cake.