Old crap. Love but apart!

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I don't care who will judge me but I am back because I need to write it down and I am not a blogger.
It had been 7 years now of relationships between us 50/55 years old people who fell for each other 7 years ago...got involved after 5 years and had agreed on not hurting anyone who is not guilty of our sinful love.
However we have some communications by phone.
Once in a blue moon I can text about business stuff and we will talk about how things are going and he would say 'I am going to the shore by myself now'...meaning wife is elsewhere. It had been falling apart for ages now.
I am feeling I have no rights to say 'so, you are alone? common over!'...because we had agreed no one will get hurt IF SO...
The problem is that I know that we are both emotionally involved but keeping everything as nothing is happening just to not to hurt families.
Is it a right way to live? Knowing that there is someone who would love to be with you and you would die for him but you can't because your 'code' doesn't let you to hurt anyone?

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Type: Question • Score: 1 • Views: 3,015 • Replies: 28

What kind of "code" makes you stay in a bad marriage?

0 Replies

@Eliusa,

Eliusa wrote:

I don't care who will judge me but I am back because I need to write it down and I am not a blogger.
It had been 7 years now of relationships between us 50/55 years old people who fell for each other 7 years ago...got involved after 5 years and had agreed on not hurting anyone who is not guilty of our sinful love.
However we have some communications by phone.
Once in a blue moon I can text about business stuff and we will talk about how things are going and he would say 'I am going to the shore by myself now'...meaning wife is elsewhere. It had been falling apart for ages now.
I am feeling I have no rights to say 'so, you are alone? common over!'...because we had agreed no one will get hurt IF SO...
The problem is that I know that we are both emotionally involved but keeping everything as nothing is happening just to not to hurt families.
Is it a right way to live? Knowing that there is someone who would love to be with you and you would die for him but you can't because your 'code' doesn't let you to hurt anyone?

The allure of forbidden love is more powerful than the alleged love itself.

You don't "know" anything except that you're lusting after a man who is not your husband.

The reality of getting together with the object of your lust most likely will never be as wonderful as the fantasy you live over and over again in your mind.

And perhaps you find something romantic about suffering because you're following a code of honor and don't want to hurt your family.

In truth, however, you probably don't want to lose the wonderful thing you already have because of a meaningless fling.

I'm not judging you, just trying to help you put things into perspective.

1 Reply

@Debra Law,

Still lusting. LOL
But now I know it is love for sure.
Hoping to finally get together.

1 Reply

@Eliusa,

I've seen people like you in real life.

5 years
7 years
10 years
15 years

And still, believe "he loves me" and then, one day reality finally sets in and they wonder what the heck they just did? 15 years of their life wasted on one man, one un-touchable man, one man that made them feel "something", what ever that was, yet, was never theirs to start with. And therefore, never theirs in the end either.

The sadest part, is they were 30, 35, now 45, 50...... And, never got to find out what having a child was like....

You have children, a business, a Husband... Imagine how those ladies live life now?

Sigh. Eliusa. It's easy for you. It's but a dream to keep you warm at night whilst sleeping next to a man you don't love.

Yet you are from the same kettle.

0 Replies

@Eliusa,

Quote:

Is it a right way to live? Knowing that there is someone who would love to be with you and you would die for him but you can't because your 'code' doesn't let you to hurt anyone?

Only you can answer this. Others can't because everyone has different:
- emotional needs
- beliefs, values, principles
- personality / character traits
- strengths / weaknesses

As a personal perspective, I can understand how people get into such relationships, but I can't fathom how people stay in them for years, nor how they continue to buy the lies of the other.

How do you know when they are lying? There's a very simple test. When their actions don't match what they are saying - they are lying to you. What if they have a reasonable excuse? Made up excuses, don't hold up to the ongoing pattern of behaviour.

------------------------------------------

On his side:

Are the reasons he's giving you, for him wanting to stay married, valid? Do you understand that he wants to stay married?

If he truly didn't want to stay married, he wouldn't still be married to his wife. This is plain and simple fact. The evidence that a person doesn't want to stay married, is called divorce. You can spin all the morals etc in the world into the equation, but even principled people divorce when there is sufficient inside them that no longer wants to be married.

1 Reply

@vikorr,

Not everyone who staying married want to be married.
We both have children so that's mission accomplished.
We are getting to know each other and waiting for something
to change like it just did. My husband went out of the house
for 2 nights and said he needs space. I am bit nervous but
glad at the same time. It might going to give me chance to
meet my Love and spend time together figuring out future.

He is getting sort of sick of living a lie - that's his words.
We are growing into something serious I believe.

There used to be times of no contact. Not anymore.
He finally telling me things I hah only hoped to hear.

Even single people don't jump into marriage right away.
And we aren't single.

1 Reply

@Eliusa,

Quote:

Not everyone who staying married want to be married.

We are contradictory creatures. Part of us can want to be married, while another doesn't. My last post was aimed at the parts of people that still want to be married....usually they don't truly tell the other person why they are still married (finances, biological family reasons, doesn't intend to leave - just enjoys a bit on the side, etc), and tells the other person about how terrible their spouse is, they don't have sex anymore, all they do is argue, he/she has lost interest etc.

Sometimes people stay because they can't support themselves - but this is rarely the case for the man. And as you said, children aren't an issue.

Quote:

We are getting to know each other

After 7 years? That defies belief. The only things left to know should be the things that you find out when you are both single, then living together. But isn't this discussion about why he won't leave...so what's the point of this comment if the only thing left is what you find out after he leaves...if he leaves?

Quote:

Even single people don't jump into marriage right away.
And we aren't single.

Haven't you yet to sort out why he won't leave? Isn't that (his not leaving) what this discussion was about?

The reasons for marrying someone are a completely different discussion. As an aside - studies have shown that 90% of relationships that start with one, or both couples cheating, don't last. It's a trust issue, with other issues thrown in, I should imagine. That study was 20 odd years ago. I imagine the statistics are worse now.

2 Replies

@Eliusa,

Damn, you really talk to something difficult. When a man becomes tied down with a family, they feel an obligation, obviously. But, the heart is different. I don't know all the extenuating but from my perspective it surely is tough. As a man, you don't want to violate your code of ethics and cheat, but at the same time, that person your cheating on may be harming your life.

So, you may be just trying to free yourself. It's always complicated in relationships but, at the end of the day, the questions become:

Do you like being together, just the two of you?
Does it make you sick thinking of that person with someone other than you?
And, does the other person make you laugh, smile and enjoy life?

If so, these are real feelings and if they are felt by both parties, then they should be pursued.

0 Replies

@vikorr,

Explaining. You haven't followed me obviously.
Will repeat (and I LOVE to tell this story because I think it is so special it will knock your socks off but I found out it is just my opinion LOL)
When I saw him first for the business - I saw about 100 men and all of them were handsome and my business depended on them and I am a crazy talking non stop Gemini who gets into convo like I know you and you know me...
He was about last I met. When I saw him my guts turned and I was married without sin for...about 15 years already. Being MOM to mu husband who was raised by Jewish Mom and Aunt (if you know what I mean...he was the best thing not AFTER sliced bread. He was best BEFORE slices bread)
So...I am from same country and even city where we were born and I felt close to him. 11 years apart he was dating my friend, we had so much fun discovering whom we knew and whats what....
Life went we had got only baby. Everything was cool. I was Mom/wife and I didn't mind.
UNTILL I had met this man.

1 Reply

@Eliusa,

Okay, you're in love. Does that have something to do with your original post?

Quote:

I am feeling I have no rights to say 'so, you are alone? common over!'...because we had agreed no one will get hurt IF SO...

The problem is that I know that we are both emotionally involved but keeping everything as nothing is happening just to not to hurt families.

Is it a right way to live? Knowing that there is someone who would love to be with you and you would die for him but you can't because your 'code' doesn't let you to hurt anyone?

The part in blue, as I previously mentioned, only you can answer that for yourself.

The part in red is what I have been talking about since, as it seems the second most problematic issue for you (why he hasn't left her, to be with you / why you are still in this situation)...and your answer is 'but we're in love'? No wonder he's been able to string you along for so long.

0 Replies

@vikorr,

I was an IT Engineer. My husband was a manager for a company. Thing fell apart when economy fell so we went to his dream business.
Whatever we go meet our vendors and I see one I am grabbing my H hand and mumbling 'I would follow him unleashed wherever he wanted me to go'...instead of hit me over the head my H says 'yeah...he is a nice guy'
SO for 5 years I see him 3 times per week.
HE is happy! Always. We have same age kids, colleges, family events...
I am having no thoughts.
After5 years he grabbes me and tells me I cant take it anymore!
We need to talk...
I am not as stupid as I look so I said it is all about sex right?
He hesitated and says 'eventually this is the point'
I said NO
To make a long story short - I did everything I said I am not going to do.

AFTER 5 years! Not like right away...we are finally engaging into EMA.
Doesn't suit both of us. WE are frigging out. I come here...every one said divorce and clean your act.
SURE!
Like you know me...NOT!
OK, I can talk abut this forever but I want to go to bed

Summary: we love each other BUT we can't tell our kids Mom and Pop went crazy and you aren't going to have PERFECT families anymore!
WE are dealing with it right now and I do not give a rat ass about strangers opinion about my own life. I am just writing this for myself hoping maybe I will hear myself and sober up, NO!

I am going forward with my gut feeling that we were brought up together to be happy and...happy!
One point is how to make no one suffer because of 2 crazy adults went off the track and keeping it up forever.
At our age 8 years IS forever!
NOW we can only pray and sin and pray Lord will never left us in a dust.

Thanks for reading and good love to al of you. Arielle...I love you and I don't care if you are skinny - Australia is a world when you can ever catch a Kangaroo to be your faithful bf. LOL

1 Reply

@Eliusa,

I'm not sure why you are aiming all your anger at me for your staying in your relationship, considering my posts were aimed at why he was staying in his relationship (your original post didn't mention that you were also in a marriage)

Nor do I understand how you think you can avoid hurting anyone. You will hurt them leaving, and you will hurt them again when they find out you have someone. That is unavoidable. You will also hurt them if they find out you are having an affair. It may not even be your husband that finds out, but his wife, who then tells your husband.

2 Replies

@vikorr,

I have plenty of examples when people were back together and still living until death do them part.
It is not certain that if I was together with my Love we would survive union.
We don't know. SO far we had been in a perfect relationships for years and it is making us both able to survive our marriages as an outlet.
He is calmer and doing better at work. I am happy and wrapped in his love and we are just waiting for the right moment. Maybe until kids weddings or something else.
Changes are already happening. We had learned how to not to drive each other buts. How to be tolerant to last minute cancellations without tears or
anger. It is a really wonderful relationships.
We aren't rushing. There is a lot of financial stuff involved, also public opinion
and relatives around us...
So far it is how it goes.
I just hate cliché approach when it comes to other people who have NO idea whats what - judging like if they were saints.
I want to ask if you are who judging are honest in marriage - are you honest in every other aspect of your life? Come out and say - I have not sinned.
Can you?

1 Reply

@vikorr,

When was I aiming or angry at you? I just re-read my post and I don't see any.

0 Replies

@Eliusa,

Quote:

I just hate cliché approach when it comes to other people who have NO idea whats what - judging like if they were saints.

I haven't met a saint yet. In regards to the rest, sometimes things are cliches with good reason, and also, you did come to a public forum with your post. These things will happen.

Quote:

I want to ask if you are who judging are honest in marriage - are you honest in every other aspect of your life? Come out and say - I have not sinned.
Can you?

Do you equate honesty with sin?

As a general rule, I try to live my life as honestly with myself as I can. That means testing my beliefs, questioning contradictions that I find within my beliefs, and living by my beliefs. I choose to live this way because I find that it is a much simpler way to live (in the long run), and from my secondary cultural background, it appears to me to best way to sustain long term happiness. To me, whether or not I fall down occasionally is both expected, and irrelevant - no person alive is perfect.

But that is what I choose for myself. Others have their own journey, and their own path.

Of course if they ask for an opinion, I enjoy the mental exercise involved in giving one.

1 Reply

@vikorr,

I DID TOO lived simple and quiet but OOPs - something had happened and old life became...old.
Living dead inside was possible if there love never happened.
And I know millions of people living like it and I did...for 20 years.
Unless you had been tempted and you had resisted and came out on top and happy about it - you have nothing to say.
And even of you came out on top by resisting your heart desire - I will never believe you are happy about it.
Specially if you are a man who fell in love with a woman and refused it for whatever 'believes' - there is never be a happiness in your life.
You might be proud of yourself for keeping your face in front of the audience but if you had ever knew true love you would never come and speak as you did.
I do understand that more people than not never had really being in love.
They are settled for comfort and decent behavior but THOSE can not speak!
Thought I understand you people have no idea you are missed a train.
But there always is a boat or airplaine. And you will never know when life will write you a ticket.
So I would say keep existing. I would IF I haven't got MY ticket.
And I would never know. And trust me I had not asked for it.
I felt just like you...a few years ago. Super best!
But now I am feeling super happy!
I was given a gift of loving a person even if it is going to kill me.
And it is not 2 week lust or 3 weeks stupidity. We had been trying to be back
to be good many times. Something got to give. Who knows what is it.
But love not worth living without love. That is I know for sure.

2 Replies

@Eliusa,

Quote:

I DID TOO lived simple and quiet but OOPs - something had happened and old life became...old.

When you say a simple and quiet life...do you mean an unhappy life? I ask because I don't think a happy life could become 'old' - whether its a simple and quiet life, or loud and complex life (because the person is happy).

Quote:

Unless you had been tempted and you had resisted and came out on top and happy about it - you have nothing to say.

Do you see what I mean by your posts can be angry/aggressive? I didn't in any way put you down, demean you, or even tell you what to do. The body of my post was responding to a question that you asked - and in answering your question I mentioned is how I live my life, and said other people have their own road to travel.

So then, what is it about what I said that would cause you to say 'you have no say'?

Quote:

But there always is a boat or airplaine. And you will never know when life will write you a ticket.

Didn't you say you didn't like cliches?

Quote:

And even of you came out on top by resisting your heart desire - I will never believe you are happy about it.

Hmmm...from my perspective, there's a real difference between:
- the pursuit of short, and long term happiness
- the pursuit of happiness within myself, and the happiness that I find with a loved one (neither is more important than the other. Both enhance the other); and
- a soul mate (which supposedly there is only one of), and knowing that there are many people out there with whom you can find happiness (if our soulmate was one of 6,000,000,000 people, the odds of finding our soul mate would make winning the lottery look easy)
etc

Quote:

I do understand that more people than not never had really being in love.

How...odd. My experience is that the majority of people have been in love, at least once in their life.

0 Replies

@Eliusa,

Do you in any way care about the question you asked in your OP? Your replies don't seem to have much to do with them.

Ie. is there any point in other posters talking with you about what you asked in your OP?

1 Reply

@vikorr,

As if you didn't know - posts are derailing from OP all the time.

So no I wasn't nor happy nor unhappy. I was in a stale pond up to
my eyeballs. And I thought this is how it's supposed to be. And I
Was agree for my child sake.

I had no idea at my age and perfect 23 yeRs of marriage I will find
me here

And you are so wrong about most people loved.
If they did they would understand how 2 adults go to bed and
wake up with their loved ones name on their lips and can do
nothing about it.
I've been searching in plenty of forms and there are people
ok in sexless loveless marriages because they never actually
we're in love.
Do you know how many women just settle due to clock
ticking? And men just think they are tired hunting for sex
and they think they will now get it! Lol

So my phrase you have no place to say is correct and not
at all rude! It is just true statement! If you want to read it
Correctly with open mind

1 Reply

Old crap. Love but apart!

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