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Mon 28 Mar, 2016 10:16 am
I have been with my on/off BF for 8 years. It has not been easy. He has severe alcohol and gambling addiction issues and really is a total narcissist. I think a part of me feels sorry for him, I've seen the darkness, sadness, heaviness in him and although I moved out and left him 2 years ago, did not see him for 6 months, we do see each other again. He lives 75 miles away and comes regularly to see me. When he's here he tells me he loves me all the time, I never say it back. I can't. I am VERY guarded with him. The day I moved out 2 years ago he was on match.com. I guess since I left him I can't be upset about it, although the same day I left? That stung a little.
He did have a fling with a married woman during an 'off' time for us which he's insisted ended. He lies so much I don't know what to believe. I haven't asked for commitment but I have asked for monogamy. I can't be sleeping with someone who is having sex with someone else. It makes me uncomfortable. A little about me...I am a self reliant, independent, not needy, beautiful albeit somewhat, now cold, 49 year old woman (he is 41). It has taken me a great deal of time to get my life back together emotionally and financially after the damage of "us". He managed to take every nickle I had. It was his gambling and drinking that I could no longer take. I'm sober since 2011 and I just could not keep trying to fix what really isn't mine to fix. It's not been easy but I'm proud to be standing on my own with dreams of my own future again. With him they were lost.
Anyway, about 1.5 years ago when we were renewing our, whatever it is we're doing he told me he'd met a woman on Match. He said they hung out but he was not at all attracted to her. His words "she a nice person but she's fat and disgusting and not even in his drunkest moment could he touch her". She was also a widow with money and extremely co-dependent and needy. I know he used her to borrow thousands of dollars from her. I know when he'd bailed himself out of his then financial crisis he blocked her and ended their friendship. I know his behavior lately has been sketchy, lots of lies, deceptions and a lot of gambling again. I ask direct questions about the gambling, other women, relationships, etc. I get the same cryptic answers that there are no other women and he professes his love for me. I have been clear I will not sleep with him if he's messing around. This past weekend he was here and hammered. I picked up his phone and went through his texts. Normally I would never do this. I was a firm believer in if you don't want to know then don't go there. Anyway there were texts on his phone from the widow he claimed to be disgusted by. Texts from Sunday, Monday, Tues, Wed of last week. He was with me until Sunday morning and went home. Apparently they went out and got drunk Sunday night. Monday morning she texted him about how she loved seeing him sleeping naked and how in love she was with him. They went on and how how she had fallen so hard for him, loved him so much....hated only seeing him every other week, love love love love. Initially he texted back that he liked her too and she was very offended by this. Like? Was he serious, only liked her? She texted and pushed and he finally said he loved her too. Wednesday morning he texted her he woke up thinking about her, then nothing, all the texts stopped. I snooped and found this conversation on Saturday, he'd been at my house since Thursday night. Seemed odd for this love text fest to just peter out after them being so in love. At first I felt upset about it but I stopped putting much faith in this relationship long ago. The next day I didn't say anything but again asked him if he was seeing someone else, again he firmly said "absolutely not, that is over". I think he's using this woman because he's in **** financially again. He's a master manipulator. His clandestine life, the secrets and shame from the addictions. I don't give him any money or anything more than my time. Yes, since he assured me he is not having now and has not had unprotected sex with anyone I do sleep with him. I guess my question, even to myself is what the hell am I doing? I have not felt like dating, although I am a beautiful woman, now happy and healthy alone. I don't need him, sex is not important to me, I take care of myself financially. It did take me a LONG time to heal emotionally and I have. None of what is going on with him rattles me much but I do have feelings about it. I hate the lies and I know he is. Why would I not just close the door and never look back? I feel kind of pathetic about it. I'm in a really good place in my life, why do I let this guy linger around and toy with me? Truly if I were to meet someone I really liked I would have no issue ending whatever it is we're doing. I don't even know how to classify it anymore.
I'd really appreciate any perspective or thoughts. Although I haven't asked for a commitment I guess I wonder if I have any room at all to whine or complain about the half assed, lying, deceptive person I'm occasionally sharing my bed and time with.
@Wheresthezen,
Wheresthezen wrote:
I have been with my on/off BF for 8 years. It has not been easy. He has severe alcohol and gambling addiction issues and really is a total narcissist. I think a part of me feels sorry for him, I've seen the darkness, sadness, heaviness in him and although I moved out and left him 2 years ago, did not see him for 6 months, we do see each other again. He lives 75 miles away and comes regularly to see me. When he's here he tells me he loves me all the time, I never say it back. I can't. I am VERY guarded with him. The day I moved out 2 years ago he was on match.com. I guess since I left him I can't be upset about it, although the same day I left? That stung a little....
Full stop.
Quit wasting time with this loser.
He will never commit to you. He has had ample chances to do so. He has affirmatively chosen not to.
You're sober! That is AWESOME.
Do not let him drag you down. Work with the people who helped get you sober (a doctor, a hospital, a 12-step program ...?) and talk to them about what seems to be a clear need to try to save someone and fix them.
You can't, but I suspect it will be easier to take if you hear it from them.
If you got clean on your own, then talk to your primary care physician. That person has got to know that you have a history of substance abuse. Ask to be referred to a counselor.
Talk to that counselor. Find out why you're still putting up with this ****.
You are not this guy's hotel.
You are not his port in a storm bed buddy.
You are not his last resort.
You are better than this.
Now start believing that, and kick this asshole to the curb for good.
@Wheresthezen,
You really don't need us to tell you what to do. You know what to do. This man is broken and you cannot fix him. He still drinks a good bit while you have been sober for 5 years. (Congrats on that.) He continues to lie to you. You believe his finances are such a mess that he might still be seeing this other woman for her money. (What makes you think he is not playing with you for the same reason?)
You claim to be happy and healthy alone and are fine without sex. So why are you putting up with him? Just put your big girl pants on and tell him to hit the road. Break off all contact and move on with your life. Change your phone number if need be. Block him on social media. You don't need this.
Good luck.
@CoastalRat,
I know. Sometimes I guess we all just want an affirmation from anywhere, not that I don't think it's wrong but I remember being addicted and alone and it was hard. I am happy, peaceful, nothing he does rocks my world, he gets nothing tangible from me but a meal from time to time. Those boundaries I am firm with but I haven't been able to make a total break. I think about him. 8 years is a long time to not think about someone I guess. Perhaps I'm still afraid and he's just what I know. Appreciate the advice.
@jespah,
I like your sayings. For sure something is still going on with me that I let the nonsense continue. There are no issues with my sobriety, never have been since the day I made the decision to get sober. I did it alone, have never seen a counselor or group for my alcoholism. I acknowledge it and no longer drink or desire to. I lead a pretty quiet life and feel good. I don't feel sad or lonely, I keep busy but I worry this is an affirmation to how jaded I've become. Let him come around a couple times a month means I am still fulfilling something in myself and I don't look for it elsewhere. I'd be cool with the whole situation if he was an honorable person. I'm sure there are a lot of people out there with similar setups and I don't know that I do want a full blown relationship at the moment. It's the deception and lies. Silly me thinking all I was asking for was honesty and not a commitment or defined relationship, how hard could that be? Pfft, Thanks for the words of wisdom.
"I am a beautiful woman, now happy and healthy alone. I don't need him, . . ."
So why do you hang on? Well, that's what happens when you love and it doesn't come back to us. We just can't understand why.
You may wonder: What's wrong with him that he doesn't see that he's never going to get anything better than with me? How dare he push my/our love away, huh?
Well - that's how he is. There's one reason, maybe a hundred why he's selfish, unable to commit, liar and cheats.
The question is: do you want to waste one more minute on him? He's taking your time and spirit away from you.
(We DO love those bad boys, don't we? For a while, then we learn)
@Wheresthezen,
Wheresthezen wrote: I'd be cool with the whole situation if he was an honorable person. I'm sure there are a lot of people out there with similar setups and I don't know that I do want a full blown relationship at the moment. It's the deception and lies.
shut down the liar
no more contact
find someone else to have a comfortable fuckbuddy relationship with
talk to a counsellor about why you let the loser continue to hold up your progress
@Wheresthezen,
Wheresthezen wrote: It did take me a LONG time to heal emotionally and I have.
None of what is going on with him rattles me much but I do have feelings about it.
sounds the healing process still has a ways to go
you've kept a scab in your life to pick at
@PUNKEY,
You have a very kind way of versing things. I have asked myself what's wrong with me when I know full well it's not about me, in fact everything is about him. I refer to him as "Hoover". He pops around here to hoover me and get his fill of whatever it is he needs. Apparently not just sex since he's obviously getting that elsewhere as well. I've blamed myself for being cold, not reciprocating the I love you's and such but to me that is not something said lightly. I can't say it unless I feel it and I'm not sure I do. Not to mention the fact he withheld his love for years so I figure it's payback. I know, passive aggressive. It generally bothers me his professions of love and all the in love, love you so much text banter with this other woman. He's not like that, EVER. Which leads me to believe he's on a hoover mission with her. What a skeezer right? Laying with 2 different women on the same day, telling them both he loves them. Yuck.
See, just sending it out to the universe and getting the feedback I got helped me realize the little things I was overlooking. I really appreciate the advice.
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