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How to go about very shy guys..

 
 
Tati90
 
Reply Thu 10 Mar, 2016 09:33 pm
I met a wonderful guy online about 4 years ago and we hit it off straight away. We were pen-palling, mailing each other little gifts, skyping and facebooking. Though he never directly said, "I really like you/I have feelings for you", he's said basically that in many words, and the things he talks about with me. I noticed he's a bit shy and doesn't blurt out his emotions.
Anyway, this year I moved to Moscow to do my masters and He'd moved there 2 years earlier for work. We talked about how cool it would be to finally meet especially since we never thought we'd actually ever meet! I know some people who form connections with people online all the time and just never get the chance to see them. We would mildly flirt, nothing dirty and he would say that he believes in signs - like my moving to the same town he's in, and that I wore a gold ring on my right ring finger (which is the finger one wears a wedding ring in Russia).
So I get to Moscow and though he's a cool guy I realised just how shy he is! But I notice that he loves compliments and that they really mean a lot to him. I've figured that if I say something sort of shocking to him like, "I like the way your ass looks in those pants." Very Happy, it jolts him and gets such a big reaction because he's so shy.

About a week and a half after, we slept together and it was kind of clumsy and self conscious - or at least from my end. I was still just so much in shock and disbelief that I was finally with him and ACTUALLY IN HIS BED RIGHT THIS MOMENT!! It was wonderful though and I have no regrets it happened. At the time, I thought that this would be more of a meaningful intimate connection since we had 4 years behind us. I thought we'd kinda just slip into a relationship. But alas, it didn't turn out that way. I see now, that we probably should have waited a little longer. He got a little quiet and then started meeting up again. But no kissing or hand holding....the tension is there though..to do or behave relationship-like but I feel like he's holding back. And it's not healthy for me because that vibe rubs off on me too and makes me self-conscious and be a little awkward. We've had maybe 4 outtings together since then and they've all been the same... sheepish smiles and awkward hand bumping...awkward goodbyes... last time he just grabbed and squeezed me tight and gave me a kiss on the cheek and was off Very Happy I don't think he's gotten to see the "real" me all because he's not relaxed. Or maybe he's feeding off of me - I dunno.

Last weekend was his birthday and he invited me to do karaoke with his 2 best friends and colleagues (some with wives and girlfriends). I had such a blast and saw that his friends love me. They kind of would make little gestures or give little nudges so I guess they know something. I didn't sit next to him on purpose cos I wanted to meet new people and maybe get him to be curious about me or what I was talking about. Smile It probably worked because he'd come over to pour me more wine and say little things like I looked very fine, and that he loved my hair. And everytime he walked over to the karaoke desk, he'd walk passed behind me and run his fingers in my hair or play with my bun when I tied it up. When it came time to sing, I saw his shyness come out again. His eyes darting around to see who's watching, his neck vein looking like its about to pop out. You know what a shy person who's forcing themselves to be a different way looks like Very Happy Later, he motioned for me to sit next to him. I went over and he introduced me to a lady nearby so we could chat. While I spoke to her, he started playing with my earring with this friends sitting on his other side in a kind of a huddle. And when I asked him if he was having a good time, he said he was because I was there with them.

He definitely seems happier with his friends around and showed lots more affection then. Though still with elements of shyness.

I'm aware he likes me, but still I'm not feeling very secure in exactly where it is he stands. How do I get it out of him without making him curl up in a corner? And how might I get him to relax more? Something interesting he mentioned on one of our dates was that he was now ready for marriage. When we were getting to know each other years before, he'd said he wasn't - so I hadn't actually realised that that has changed. I have to say that got me really excited for some reason. I feel like he's looking out for someone he could potentially marry now. He's a lot of what I'm looking for and I'd like to continue exploring that with him but first we need to get past all this silly awkwardness.. Any ideas? Am I over analysing? Or should I just give it time and hope he eases up naturally? I'm 25, will be 26 in Sept and he just turned 27. I'm African and he's Slavic. He's almost fluent in English but still has a few issues sometimes when trying to say complicated stuff. English is my native tongue. I don't believe race is an issue here though just by the way. I've seen enough from him and his crowd to understand that it's not a factor.

Ok hope to hear from someone Smile I'm not freaking out, I'm only wondering Smile
 
chai2
 
  3  
Reply Thu 10 Mar, 2016 10:41 pm
Seems to me like he's coming along, just slowly. Don't push the river. After 4 years of getting to know each other without actually meeting, what's a little more time?

He sounds like a very nice respectful guy. You're lucky to have met.
Tati90
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Mar, 2016 02:46 pm
@chai2,
Yeah I really hope so. It's BECAUSE he's such a sweety that I'd really hate to have things not go the way I want them.
Ok, time is my friend..got it!
Thanks Smile
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Fri 11 Mar, 2016 02:59 pm
@Tati90,
Tati90 wrote:
Or should I just give it time


give it time

you are right about having rushed the sex thing. you're going to have to step back and let the actual relationship develop.

sex too early can really spoil/ruin a relationship
Tati90
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Mar, 2016 05:49 pm
@ehBeth,
Thanks, and you're right. I went with it because I just assumed we had covered all our bases with our online connection! But it's ok, we've not done anything since and I'm happy to wait.
0 Replies
 
Fil Albuquerque
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Mar, 2016 06:12 pm
@Tati90,
Play frail, uncertain, and needing help...in a minute the shy guy will become a cave men hero willing to go to the rescue...yeah, we are that stupid !
Tati90
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Mar, 2016 07:15 pm
@Fil Albuquerque,
ahahahah.. I'll bear that in mind Very Happy
0 Replies
 
Tati90
 
  1  
Reply Fri 25 Mar, 2016 04:58 pm
@Fil Albuquerque @ehBeth @chai2
WOW. So a major twist! And not a good one either...

We just finished having a whatsapp conversation and in a nutshell, he told me he only likes me as a friend and that we communicate as friends. To me, we communicated as much much more and that I'd never have slept with him had I known. He apologised profusely and said I was important to him personality/friend-wise. I expressed just how SO confused I was to be hearing this. That I would never have showed any of my affections if I'd known, the hearts and kisses I'm always sending, the serious and heavy flirting, telling him I miss him etc. How did he not see my feelings!? He says he flirts a lot and likes doing that with his friends.... I've never been so misled my whole life. Told him I was so unbearably embarrassed because I thought we had feelings for each other for a long time. He says he felt some affection but not more. That to him, we communicate the same way he does with his best friend except without the kisses. And that when he said he really missed me, it didn't mean he loved me. But that I can always rely on him to help me with any problems I have. As for why he slept with me, he says he couldn't control himself and had some feelings too.
That's it, guys. Needless to say I'm so deeply hurt. Like, my chest hurts and I can't even explain. I've been inlove with him for such a long time while he was just having a fun time. I still am just SO confused. I feel like he pulled the ground from up under me. I'm so humiliated. It's going to take a while to readjust my thoughts regarding him. It's literally like someone telling me, that day is actually night and night is actually day.

I think from now on, it'll be safer to actually wait for the guy to make a direct declaration/statement that he wants more and wants to be your boyfriend.
Thanks for everyone's hopeful ideas before Smile

xx
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Fri 25 Mar, 2016 05:16 pm
@Tati90,
No, it is time to grow up on your own, appreciating yourself for who you are ---- if you have any clue on that.

What is going on? do you mean to access a boy or man who will vow to love you forever? and manipulate yourself to fit?
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Fri 25 Mar, 2016 06:12 pm
@Tati90,
Tati90 wrote:

It's going to take a while to readjust my thoughts regarding him.


I think this is the most important thing you wrote.

Yes, it is going to take a while, and yes it will involve pain.

But, life will continue and you will get over this and move on. You will not feel this way forever, but it will take a while.

That's a guarantee.

0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  4  
Reply Fri 25 Mar, 2016 06:32 pm
@Tati90,
sorry to hear that this isn't heading the way you'd hoped

but this ...

Tati90 wrote:
It's going to take a while to readjust my thoughts regarding him.


also take some time to readjust your thinking about yourself - your value and your interests, your hopes and your plans

take it easy on yourself. no need to feel humiliated.

0 Replies
 
Tati90
 
  1  
Reply Sat 26 Mar, 2016 01:16 am
@ossobuco,
"What is going on? do you mean to access a boy or man who will vow to love you forever? and manipulate yourself to fit?"

Don't quite know where this fits in all this. I never said I was looking for someone to vow to love me right off the bat or that I was going to manipulate myself to fit...? I don't quite understand where I gave that impression.
But what I'm saying is I won't be making any assumptions about a guy's feelings until he actually says something solid and definite. That's all.
0 Replies
 
 

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