My affair

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Since nothing isn't complicated, here's a summary:
• In a relationship for 20 years, married nearly 14 years.
• 2 kids
• We had an abortion only a year or so after beginning dating
• Sex life dwindled from vigorous to non-existent afterwards
• No intimacy for over 3 years
• Began an affair with an acquaintance from HS, started as friends > emotional > to full-on relationship (past 6 months)

I can't claim innocence in why my marriage slowly devolved into an unaffectionate mess, I did try to raise the flag over the past 10 years that things weren't right. But, the abortion really affected my wife and has caused a riff between us. She has resentment towards me for the situation and I feel guilt over the situation. We never spoke of it after it occurred, until about 8 years ago. I suggested we go to counseling and she may need therapy. She was against therapy and counseling and I did not follow through and keeping the issues in the limelight. Instead, I withdrew and began fantasizing about starting a new life. As expected, things just slowly went awry.
What was I thinking over the past 8 years? Getting the kids raised and moving on. Thinking about other people and becoming a more social person, always wanting to connect with someone. She became more withdrawn, her self-confidence was never particularly great and it became worse as her own depression worsened and the economy deteriorated and we both, at some point, received pink slips.
We both cope differently. I became more determined and independent in my efforts to fight the situation, she needed more coaching and more help to get her life together.
So, we really grew apart and the lack of intimacy did not help. At points sex was 3-5 times a year. And I gave up instigating 4 years ago. Now, we are on 3.5 years with out any intimacy.
Along comes a friend and we become very close. We began an affair that started out as a FWB situation, but quickly became more. Now I'm on the verge of leaving my family. I've talked to a lawyer for advice, been trying to get my spouse into counseling so I can get her help and just so we can communicate. Started staying at my fathers every other weekend and will be starting therapy for myself this week.
I've just had a hard time disengaging myself from my marriage. Of course the big three reasons, the kids, what it will do to my spouse and the money. I really don't want to be in my marriage anymore and my family and friends are extremely encouraging, they given their support. My father is happy to have me stay with him. His ex-GF has been a rock I can turn to. I've been able to talk about my relationship issues with everyone but my spouse. Every time I try, I feel like I am disingenuous. While it's something I want, I'm doing it at this current time because there is someone I want to be with. That's not a good reason to leave. Even she said I can't do it for her. But, it's hard not to have that be the reason when we spend so much time together.
Has anyone else felt that way about leaving a spouse for someone else? What did you do? Did you give it a break until you got your act together?

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@WillJay,

Her saying don't do it for her, is correct.

Anything we do in life, we do it for "ourselves".. You don't know what the next chapter really will be like over a long period of time.

You have support, you are going to seek therapy for yourself, you worry but aren't concerned about finances, children grow up, you've been married for 14 years I am sure they see the "non love" at home, give them all the love you can both of you through this.

She obviously isn't happy either, you two grew apart along time ago, try to be best friends out of all of this and good luck.

1 Reply

@FOUND SOUL,

Thank you Found Soul.

While I believe that I can't do it for the other woman... I just feel pressured by the her to do it and do it sooner rather than later. Which, I would love encouragement, at times I feel a bit manipulated. She's also married, but is in the process of getting divorced. Not actually in process, she's just told her husband she wants a divorce. He's agreed to it. But, she says she needs time to get herself together and get him together.

I'm pretty low pressure as far as her situation. I'm in no rush. If it's going to work, it's going to work. But, she knows once I officially go through with this, I am going to be really broke. So, there's no opportunity to move in together, since she really doesn't have any money either.

I don't know... While this is something I want for myself. I just feel like I'm trapped in a double standard of a relationship with her.

1 Reply

@WillJay,

Have you considered that in reality you started as FWB, a woman automatically bonds from sex, that she is in a loveless marriage and knows she has to get out "one day" and you are too, so perhaps it's actually a simple thing such as " we needed each other at the time".

Everything you wrote then suggests to me, she will run once you do it, not ready, not in love.

And, you won't be a good catch, neither has money.

Off course people need time through Divorce but don't allow anyone to pressure you into anything. Relationships are a two way thing, people work together, aim at the same goal, have the same core values, respect.

If you feel manipulated, then you are.

Do what "you" want and only what "you" want, there are plenty of fish in the sea, doesn't mean she is the one, long term partner for life.

1 Reply

@FOUND SOUL,

I agree with most of what you say but

definitely not this

FOUND SOUL wrote:

a woman automatically bonds from sex

3 Replies

@WillJay,

I think this is the key.

WillJay wrote:

Did you give it a break until you got your act together?

If your marriage is over, end it.

Suspend the FWB that turned into a relationship for now.

Take some time to live on your own, independently, not in a relationship. Find a new fuckbuddy. Be clear it's a FWB only situation.

Learn more about yourself and what you want and need in life.

It's a good opportunity for your wife as well. She also deserves the opportunity to have passion in her life.

Once you're established in your new life take a look around.

Maybe your former fuckbuddy will be free to start a new relationship when you are. Maybe not.

In either case, you're in a better place with the chance to check out other options for yourself.

1 Reply

@WillJay,

for anyone reading this in the future

really really read this and think about it

WillJay wrote:

I suggested we go to counseling and she may need therapy. She was against therapy and counseling and I did not follow through and keeping the issues in the limelight. Instead, I withdrew and began fantasizing about starting a new life. As expected, things just slowly went awry.

if you love your partner, don't let things like this slide

it will be difficult and awkward, but don't shy away from the difficult moments - this is when relationships either fail or thrive

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

Wow... thank you both.

And yes... I've learned my being passive and not bringing up what was troubling me is not the right way to deal with things. The troubles won't go away and, well, sometimes you just need to have a fight. We are both very passive people and don't like conflict. But, sometimes you need to clear the air.

Well, that's my fear. Is this just fun for her and she is caught up in the moment? We go out, there isn't the drama of children, bills and work. She makes plans, we do them and good times are had. Once my divorced life happens, I have a lot more work. Being divorced is not going to be easy. I went through that once at the age of 24 and it was several years of rebuilding.

I think you are right. I did ask her once, are you manipulating me to get the result you want, she didn't lie and fessed up to it.

And you are right, there are plenty of fish in the sea. I don't believe in soul mates or trying to search for the person that will bring 'happiness' to my life. I'm generally pretty pleasant and content. I'm just not satisfied with my marriage and my spouse has told me numerous times she has no attraction to me. It's not my physical appearance, she just harbors resentment from our abortion.

I do want my spouse to be happy. I just can't help her find peace and be happy. I think she suffers depression and needs to change her outlook on life. I can't make her happy.

Sigh... unfortunately you meet people and for some reason the attraction is really strong and deep.

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@ehBeth,

I should have stated "emotionally". Because they do "if" they were attracted to the person to start with and wasn't there "just for sex".

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@ehBeth,

You and Foundsoul are both absolutely right.

I just need to vent... Tomorrow morning I'm just breaking this off.

I have to say after two stressful days... It's painfully obvious I need to end this with the other woman. One minute we are having a fine conversation, the next minute I'm being chastised for not moving fast enough, the next I'm being scolded for talking about my marriage and why I'm not just pushing my spouse out the door and how frustrated she is about hearing about it.

Then she brings up other men and how she's going to go for a drink with someone. While that's fine... but it's done to manipulate my feelings and if you are asking me to give up everything, it is a bit of an issue. If this were a casual relationship, that's fine. I just need to be in the loop.

I don't doubt that she will bail in a few months. If we divorce, my situation becomes far more complicated over the next few years while I build a new life.Plus, I'm going to have many things I will want and need to talk about concerning my ex-spouse. If she can't talk me talking about that now... how will she be able to deal with it in the middle of a divorce? I'm certain it won't be pretty.

I know it's absolutely bat-crap insane that I'm just have not run for the hills sooner. But, I got too deeply involved.

1 Reply

@WillJay,

It's not easy.

I'm glad that you'll be starting counselling for yourself soon. It's good to have input and support when you're going into a transition in your life.

Things are likely to pretty volatile for everyone as you begin to initiate the changes.

Good luck with all of it.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

Thanks ehBeth... yeah it will be. Had a long talk with my spouse about our issues and I let her get out all of her grievances. I'm trying to listen and let her just saw what and how she feels without contradicting her or making excuses.

0 Replies

@WillJay,

Jumping from a marriage to a relationship with the person you had an affair with, just isn't the best idea. I can see why you're miserable and want to divorce. Do that, then, and have some time to have some therapy for yourself, and figure out all the complicated divorce stuff. The fact that you can't talk to your wife is just so unhealthy. The lack of sex is just a symptom of a bigger problem. People can sense resentment, whether they talk about it, or not. That lack of dialogue is a silent punishment, and it's also emotionally abusive. The other woman sounds manipulative, as well, especially with the drama of mentioning drinks with other men. (How is that helpful or necessary? What IS that? A need for attention, or drama?) What about just learning to be OK with yourself not withing a relationship, for a while? You can date, but don't complicate it with a married woman. What a headache. I hope you can give yourself enough space to figure it all out.

1 Reply

@Violet35,

Thank you. Yes, today I followed everyones advice and the advice of my therapist and broke things off. It's been hard. Despite the fact that it is the most logical decision, I feel like the little bit of joy I had left was ripped from my heart.

lol, I'm being sappy and melodramatic, but I have deep feelings for the person despite the obvious issues.

But, it's better for everyone to take care of my problems, responsibilities and complications first.

One day I hope I can live a life true to what I need and be in a position to pursue to a fulfilling satisfying loving relationship.

I hope the same for my spouse. She's just as unhappy. I want to see her able to find the ability to be content.

I just know what we have just will not work. There is too much damage. Last night she said she fully blames me for the decision to have an abortion and regarding sex, when it occurred, has been nothing but a chore that she can't wait for it to end.

Anyway, apologies for repeating myself. I'm the type of person that needs to talk things out to understand them.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

ehBeth wrote:

I agree with most of what you say but

definitely not this

FOUND SOUL wrote:
a woman automatically bonds from sex

If this were true my life would have been hell Wink

1 Reply

@WillJay,

Good fot you. Yes, it's tough, because you're actually detoxing from all the dopamine hits your brain takes when you encounter your "love interest." It's really a chemical reaction.. Once you level out, you'll be OK. I think you may have been SO starved for affection and validation, that a little taste felt like pure joy. Ultimately, if you do what's right for YOU, you'll be OK. The pathological loneliness passes. Distract yourself, and work out, to release those good endorphines, while you're in withdrawal.

1 Reply

@The Pentacle Queen,

Oxytocin is released when women have sex, and some feel bonded from that. I don't think all women do. Some use sex , thus, the person, as a drug to numb their own pain and inabilities to deal with life on life's terms. The whole "I just LOVE sex THAT much" is a mask. Everything within moderation. Ya know? If t's out of balance, then it's an addiction.

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@ehBeth,

i am the other woman.

seeing a man in a 20-years relationship

She is the one who cheated 3 times and doesnt want him any more
they dont have sex for 6 months
and had very few times for 5 years

But he is still putting too much effort to get her back
and using me for sex Sad

She is using him for money ...

I dont understand him begging her
I dont understand myself ... too

why are we so weak ?

2 Replies

@Violet35,

Yes... You are right. They will, it's just been turmoil the last few days. I do want to use this life change to take the opportunity to make changes in my personal life. I do want to start a regular routine of working out, since the gym really helped to alleviate some of my depression about my marriage.

1 Reply

@Alizee,

Oh wow... Alizee. I'm sorry to read that. It's not being weak... it's just hard to give up something that makes you feel like you matter.

How long have you been seeing him?

Besides cutting it off to clear my head and make the best decision for me, I also was concerned for her. I do not want to lead her on for sex. If we had a sexual only relationship, the situation would be different. But, I have strong feelings for the other woman. And I don't want to hurt her by being another one of those men in her life that promises changes and never does a thing to actually change their situation. I'm just building a new relationship of resentment. I have one now, don't need another.

I do question her motives at times, but I do believe she feels as deeply as I do about her. But, I need to make myself content before I can truthfully see if our relationship would work. Plus, if we do get together in the future, she (hopefully) won't be stigmatized as a 'home wrecker'.

I would hope if your boyfriend is leading you to believe he loves you and wants to be with you, he would be concerned about your feelings.

1 Reply

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