Thu 7 Jan, 2016 02:56 pm
This is my first post, anywhere, so thank you in advance for your support.
For the first time in a long time, i'm genuinely happy with myself and who I am. My self-confidence has returned, i'm very fit and healthy and at 33 years of age am excited about life, both present and future. But, I feel alone, with my self satisfaction to keep me company. I have what I consider a wonderful family and life. My wife and I have 3 children (two from my first marriage) between ages 8 and 20 mos., i'm more than gainfully employed in a profession I love. So, whats the problem? My wife, whom I love dearly and truly thought was the love of my life, has become a physically numb b-sexual, robot of a lover. We are intimate possibly twice/month, assuming I take initiative and am ok with lack of interest.
The Back Log -
I don't know that the situation started at some point, as much as it was likely present the entire time and i just wasn't willing to see it mindfully. Obviously with a busy family, were both exhausted. My wife is also a professional and has a demanding job, but were a good team - in that yes, I take off my suit after a 10 hour day, clean toilets, diaper pails, make dinner, roll on the floor with the kids and balance the finances. And, lovingly, so does she. We are kind of a dream team. We rarely argue, spend lots of quality family time together and both want the same things for our family. But, what do we want for ourselves? I want lust! I want her to rip my suit off, call me by my last name with a MR. first and rock my world. She wants to read... (Ahh you see the problem). I'm a very sexual, emotionally secure man. I write her special notes and leave them out on her car to find in the morning, I randomly send flowers to her office, or call during a really busy day for me - just to say hello. I hold her hand as often as I can and do my very best to listen to her. I love hearing about her day and the stresses she has. I rub feet (although admittedly not as often as I should but I do feel guilty if I don't when she asks which I would consider a step in the proper direction) and we both support each-other having free time away from each-other.
So, why isn't she interested in being intimate with me? I'm definitely a pleaser in bed and I think my male parts are more than adequate. I try to think about her before myself, am very patient and loving and just want to be close to her. I've tried every possible angle, conducted lots of research, and of course... We have discussed this at length! In fact, you would be surprised to learn my wife is actually a practicing marriage and family therapist - ping!
Her response is standard: too tired, too busy, kids, not feeling well....
The challenge -
I think i'm a good looking fella. I'm successful, taking very good care of myself, dress well and am mindful that the words which come out of my mouth are actually impacting. I am hit on around the office on a daily basis and at work events. I would NEVER break my vow, but I am beginning to not feel as intimately confident as I once did. What's more, i'm beginning to resent my wife and now the thought of intimacy with her is weaning. Im also not seeing her the same way; less sexually and more friendship based. Shes becoming my sister and we've only been married for 4 years.
Is this what I signed up for? To be made into a tennis shoe wearing, under sexed man with three kids and a wife who I will likely begin to despise intimately? I hate to talk about her and my family like this but, this is not me. I've always been a sharp, witty man who has not had a problem - or even had to question that part of my life.
- Very uncomfortable.
Her response is standard: too tired, too busy, kids, not feeling well....
any one of those could put someone off sex
1. when did she last have a full check-up?
2. kids, too tired and too busy are kind of a set eh. Can you talk to her about taking a long weekend with just you? arrange babysitting, get a housekeeping service in while you're away - go to a hotel (it can be in the same town/city you live in) - and relax. Order a movie, get a pedi appointment for both of you, hang out together in the hotel room, get room service.
3. be 100% honest with your wife that you need things to change.
I'd recommend that you set up 1/2 day babysitting at least once every weekend - and spend time relaxing with your wife. No high energy/activity plans - sounds like you both need some real downtime.
romance and sex aren't necessarily a matching set
some women need romance to get to sex
some women are put off by the romance stuff <points at self>
as I re-read your post, I see too much romance (for my taste) - the notes, phone calls, flowers - I'd feel suffocated pretty fast - those things would definitely not increase the likelihood of me initiating sex
when was the last time you arranged to meet her in a hotel bar and come on to her? what fun, dirty, things are you doing? french-kissing while she's doing dishes? grabbing her when you're doing something around the house?
think of frisk, not hearts and flowers
Certainly good advise, ehBeth. Shes very healthy so I dont think its a medical issue. She works out at 4:30 in the morning 3 days a week and has the energy for that - (think crossfit.) I like the idea of "frisk" but shes not receptive to that. I'll kiss her randomly, or softly brush her in certain ways before I leave or when I come home; not as an attempt to have sex, but as a "hey there." I don't think going to a hotel would do it either. To put this in context, our last honeymoon was spent at a beach front villa, a rock's throw from the ocean. It took her two full days of a 3 day trip to make love to me and that was after I got upset that we had gone 2 nights and not even hinted at making love. She says she loves me and is in love with me, I am absolutely certain there is no one else and I doubt its a performance issue (although I wish that were the case. I wish I knew she just didn't like having sex with me. That would be soooo much easier and processable).
You also asked about "how" we are intimate. Yeah, shes pretty vanilla. She will try a few different things but prefers missionary, the other positions are just for me. She doesnt like sex in the morning, she gets in bed with sweats and is like a dead zombie in the middle of the night. In fact, during our entire relationship I don't think she's ever made love to me in the middle of the night. This is a purely duty sex situation.
When we met, she couldn't keep her hand off me. Anywhere and everywhere - i feel manipulated! Sold like a sad sap.
Correction - not honeymoon - anniversary weekend.
Then go away for longer than 3 days.
Actually, to be less flip, how's 'bout marriage counseling? Lay your cards on the table with each other, in the presence of a third party. There's a disconnect. When did it arise? How? How can it be changed to a connection?
No begging. No guilting. No whining.
I also recommend doing this away from home, at least the first time, maybe even something like a couples' retreat or the like.
It took her two full days of a 3 day trip to make love to me
that sounds like a pretty good clue that she really is fatigued - whether mentally or physically - she's done in
2 days to relax enough to have sex - it makes sense given your family/work lifestyle
and yeah, that whole soft brushing/hey there thing would make me crazy - in a not good way
When we met, she couldn't keep her hand off me.
life was very different then. Try to recreate some of those scenarios.
suggest a full check-up. she needs to 100% understand how close to the edge of giving up on the marriage you may be.
Ha, you must be confused. I don't beg. If she isn't interested then I find other things to do, she naturally sees this and we discuss it. But, it doesn't really change. She just feels bad.
jes isn't confused. she's telling you to be straight-forward
tell your wife there's a problem - things need to change - counselling may help
I think this is a red pajama/blue pajama situation.
the question isn't whether something needs to change. that much is clear.
the question is which route to change - counselling or ending the marriage? counselling or open marriage?
you figure out which two alternatives you'd be willing to be part of - and then present them to your wife. she gets to pick but she has to pick one of the choices given.
Make you crazy as in turned you off? How so?
Shes tired, but wouldn't you agree I am too? Seems a bit selfish if you ask me. Imagine this scenario:
Wife works late, I make dinner. She tells me she had a tough day so I make her favorite. I work from 5:45 AM to 6 PM, pick up the kids and make her a special meal. I don't do that because i've got tons of energy and am unstressed. I do it because I love her and I know its important to her. I also don't do it in a way that shows how tired I am or how grueling the task is. I do it with grace and appreciation. Wouldn't intimacy be the same?
I do like this. So for instance:
I would be happy with making love 3 times per week.
A. Let her know that i need her to initiate this 1 per week
B. Suggest that we have an open marriage
- I am pretty sure if I ask my wife to have an open marriage she will never see me the same again.
- I would certainly enjoy sleeping with someone who wanted me but I would feel terrible about violating my vowels
- It is rather outlandish to think: she isn't interested in making love to me but she certainly doesn't want anyone else to either.
C. Ask the therapist to therapy
I find it preposterous to think that being busy is an excuse to neglect your husband. As if I got married to celebrate.
yeah that soft romantic stuff really turns me off
it's a personal taste - some like it, it kind of grosses me out
I think I suggested you both needed time away from the daily routine.
not a lot of people see intimacy as something along the same line as preparing meals/picking up kids/daily chores - no denying some do but given the threads I see here, it's not a common perspective
C. Ask the therapist to therapy
I think this has to be one of the options. Now you have to figure out which is the other one.
Separately, tell her that you'd like her to go for a full check-up, given that she is a busy woman who is telling you she is tired/not feeling well.
Someone said that sleep to a woman is like sex to a man.
Ask her if she feels rested. If not, accompany her to the Dr.
Do you have help in the home?
Three children - age 8 to 20 months - AND working AND running the house?
A nanny or housekeeper may help.
The woman is overloaded. You can't see that or appreciate that.
And she comes home to you with a wolf look on your face.
That's it. The big bad wolf.
What a joke.
Try to have sex with your wife or take her on a date. Try to spark that flame again nigga