Happy in relationship but ex contacted me and now I can't stop thinking about it

Forums: Psychology, Marriage, Dating, Love, Relationship
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I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and even though I thought of my ex fondly from time to time, I had no doubt about my relationship. Everything was coming together...we are looking for a new place together, I felt butterflies, I was happy, we're compatible. I knew this was the guy I wanted to marry and be happy with.

Recently I received an email from my ex to see how things are going with myself. Told me he finally divorced his wife and that she was emotionally abusive manipulating him with his PTSD, told me about his new career, and wanted to see how I was doing. Apologized for losing contact. Said he understood if I couldn't respond because of my relationship. He was my first love, we were together for almost 6 years about 5 years ago. Broke up due to long distance and the military preparing for his deployment.
I kept it short and told him I can't talk to him really because I don't want issues with my relationship and wished him well.

Now I keep wondering what could've been even though my relationship now is better than it what is before with my ex. I keep wondering if he changed if things would be great..the connection was still there. He was the one who broke up with me but tried to get me back but I moved on to someone else to see where things would be with the new guy (current bf), that's when he freaked out before his deployment and met some random girl and got married but now they're divorced. I feel guilty for having these thoughts, I can't stop thinking about my ex now of what could've been.

I'm not talking to him, but I can't shake the thoughts. It's haunting me.

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Type: Question • Score: 3 • Views: 1,318 • Replies: 7

@angelfire7,

Everybody thinks about the grass being greener.

It is utterly normal.

It doesn't mean you act on it.

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@angelfire7,

The question is whether you want to stay with your current boyfriend or not. I don't think the ex-boyfriend is relevant, if it weren't him someone else would have popped up.

After 4 years in a relationship, going through a time of questioning the relationship is normal. This is one of the times where you are faced with the question about what the relationship means and how committed it is.

I think you should be honest with yourself and face these questions, about your relationship with your current boyfriend, directly. Nothing else is relevant.

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@jespah,

How can I stop thinking about it? I'm not going to act on it... but it's making me feel guilty for my boyfriend. I can't find the lovey dovey feelings I had for him. It's like my ex pushed it out the way blind siding me and now I can't find it because I now I feel like I'm stuck in the past again. It's messing with my head. I think he noticed a change in my behavior. I've been a bit distant because I feel confused now. I don't know what is going on with me.

Before my ex popped up, as I said there was no doubt in my head there wasn't anyone else for me. I wanted to marry this guy.

2 Replies

@angelfire7,

Those lovey dovey butterfly feelings would have settled out anyway. Long-term relationships get to a point where they go from "Oh my God, this is so exciting!" to "I love this person and want to be with them although the emotions have slowed down."

I think the two things happened close enough in time you're matching them as cause and effect when they might not be.

Consider your current relationship. Are you bored? Dissatisfied? Settling?

Talk to the guy you're in a relationship with now. See if the two of you together can improve things. Give him a chance without blindsiding him.

1 Reply

@jespah,

I wasn't bored with him. There was nothing wrong in the relationship. As I said before I was really happy, so sure, there was no one else in mind, etc.

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@angelfire7,

First Love.

Your first love is always hard to get over. It's the first time you felt anything, towards a male of significants instead of fantasy.

The day you get over him, is the day you fall for someone harder who means more to you than the first love ever did.

Too many people settle.

If you were to go backwards into the past, it will in my opinion become the same as the past, break up eventually, wasn't what you thought it would be and so, you'd have to start again.

Not to be rude but if this boyfriend was "everything" you ever wanted, you would not be thinking about your ex, now that he has made contact.

Your ex is lonely, reaching out, thought of you because he doesn't want to be on his own, used the string of she was a witch, poor me, but worse, hey don't reply if you don't want to as I know you are in a relationship. They never can let go of whom they slept with, when someone else is now sleeping with them, yet I can tell you from experience, if they win her back, they don't want her afterwards, not marriage material, after all she went with someone else.

Think very clearly on this, let it all go and concentrate on your now relationship he's probably worth it and work out what love really is.

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Romancing the past; failure to have the correct vision of the present.

Now there's a recipe for destroying a good thing.

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Happy in relationship but ex contacted me and now I can't stop thinking about it

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