newly wed but my husband is cold

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We've been married for 3 months, but I miss my husband and the way he used to treat me before getting married.
We were hanging out as a couple for a month and then that's when we decided to get married.
He changed straight away after marriage, even during the honeymoon, he has no motivation to do nothing. Not even to take photos together.
I talked to him many times "what's wrong with you? You've changed"!
He yells back at me saying : you've changed too!
I was like: what the hell! How did I changed? And why you didn't talk to me on spot?
He has nothing to reply.
We stayed the same, fighting, staying apart, he has no desire even to touch me,, I am asking him to have sex!
After a while he admitted that he is facing a depression case and the Dr advised him either to take happiness pills or seek help from family and wife.
I wanted to help saving our marriage and healing the pain we both suffer, but he's still cold. I cannot feel his warm, he's not the same one I first met.
Things are just getting worse and he said "I'll solve this and drop you off the place from where I picked you up (divorce)", he said that in careless way he didn't even share or think what I could think about it. It made me crying all night.
His family tried to help and talk to us, but I can feel that whatever he's doing now is just because he have to do it as a duty, not because he wanna share fun or things with me.
I am frustrated because I was SHOCKED of what he has turned to and because this is marriage not a game or toy that we can play with and throw it away when we get bored.
Thank you for reading and helpful advice.

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Type: Question • Score: 8 • Views: 1,562 • Replies: 25

@Lisa Michael ,

That happens a lot.

For various reasons, my GF of 3 yrs and I are committed to the relationship but have no desire to get married. I notice that the tendency to take each other for granted that happens in almost all marriages is absent in this relationship. I don't think it has anything to do with being with 'the right one' either.

There may be something wrong with our conception of 'marriage'.

1 Reply

@Lisa Michael ,

You got married after a couple of months? That isn't very much time to build a relationship. Generally people date for a couple of years, at least, before they decide they are ready to get married, and are certain that they know enough about the person they are marrying.

I hate to say it, but it sounds like divorce is a likely outcome of this. Sure, it will hurt, but if the marriage was a mistake (and it sounds like it was) then it will hurt less to get out of it now, then it will after more time.

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@Lisa Michael ,

If I am reading this correctly, after "hanging out" as a couple for only 1 month, you two got married. How long had you known each other prior to hanging out as a couple? When you get married as quickly as you did, you kinda lose the right to be "SHOCKED" at what he has turned into.

I think he is having a bit of buyer's remorse and wants out. I'm not sure there is anything you can do. I hate suggesting this, but you might be best served by admitting that you both made a mistake in getting married so soon in the relationship and simply divorce and go your separate ways. And make this a learning experience about truly getting to know someone before walking down the aisle.

1 Reply

@Leadfoot,

@Leadfoot
Thanks for going through my question, actually we've been dating for a month because I was babysitting my cousins (4 kids) while my uncle was travelling for a duty overseas. So me and my boyfriend (at that moment ) were just like a mom and dad for the little kids. Babysitting them and hanging out (I bet you it's not easy to handle kids and he was so helpful in a way that I cannot describe). Beside that all, my uncle knows the family of my husband for 17 years and they're really good friends.
And even my husband's relatives were so curious to know who's the girl that our son wanted to get married to. As he was really excited and telling them about me. Everything tells that he's the right guy.
Idk what's wrong now!

About your story, I do agree with you, but somehow you can workout the marriage if your relationship is going well for that long.

2 Replies

@maxdancona,

Thanks for going through my question, actually we've been dating for a month because I was babysitting my cousins (4 kids) while my uncle was travelling for a duty overseas. So me and my boyfriend (at that moment ) were just like a mom and dad for the little kids. Babysitting them and hanging out (I bet you it's not easy to handle kids and he was so helpful in a way that I cannot describe). Beside that all, my uncle knows the family of my husband for 17 years and they're really good friends.
And even my husband's relatives were so curious to know who's the girl that our son wanted to get married to. As he was really excited and telling them about me. Everything tells that he's the right guy.
Idk what's wrong now!

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@Lisa Michael ,

If your emotions are wrong, and in reality this marriage will never work... how long will it take you to accept this?

Quite possibly these strong feelings you have that this man is the one for you are wrong.

Every person has chemicals in their brain (that were developed to get our caveman ancestors to make babies) that will give you strong feelings of attachment in any new relationship. It happens to everyone, and quite often these feelings ... as strong and as real as they seem... are simply wrong.

Let's look at it this way.

There is a chance that you can make this marriage work. There is also a chance that this marriage will never work no matter how hard you try. The problem is that the longer you keep up at this, the more painful it is going to be.

If it isn't working (and it sounds like it is not).... at what point will you walk away and find something that works better?

1 Reply

@Lisa Michael ,

It sounds like he has realized he made a mistake getting married to you.

Talk to him about how he wants to end the marriage.

0 Replies

@CoastalRat,

@coastalrat
Thanks for going through my question,
As I answered the guys above, we've been dating for a month because I was babysitting my cousins (4 kids) while my uncle was travelling for a duty overseas. So me and my boyfriend (at that moment ) were just like a mom and dad for the little kids. Babysitting them and hanging out (I bet you it's not easy to handle kids and he was so helpful in a way that I cannot describe). Beside that all, my uncle knows the family of my husband for 17 years and they're really good friends.
And even my husband's relatives were so curious to know who's the girl that our son wanted to get married to. As he was really excited and telling them about me. Everything tells that he's the right guy.
Idk what's wrong now!
And what you said about "buyer's remorse" has crossed ma mind when I was really confused and trying to figure out what's going on!
But he's not cheating on me, he looks like trying to do something good and fix it up sometimes, though he had a time when he really looks careless.
I am trying hard to keep divorce option away. As this is holy marriage not a de-facto relationship.
Hope so

1 Reply

@Lisa Michael ,

Lisa Michael wrote:

Beside that all, my uncle knows the family of my husband for 17 years and they're really good friends.

this is not a good reason to consider marrying or staying married

0 Replies

@Lisa Michael ,

There are so many red flags, it's hard to know where to start:

1. you knew him only a month before you got married. That's not nearly enough time to decide to get married. You two were like strangers and, to some degree, you still are.

The fact that some member of your family knew his family for 17 yrs is not a relevant situation in making the choice to get married.

2. You two have shown no ability to converse and have an important dialogue about how to resolve conflicts and work on the relationship. Until you find a way of telling him and vice versa what your needs are, there's no chance the relationship and marriage can develop into something worth working on.

3. how can you say he's changed if you never knew what he was like prior to one month before you got married? You didn't know about his depression..but he was well aware of it. He was aware of his own history with women. Did he tell you about that part of his life?

Sorry, to be so blunt but this decision to marry was made in such a hurry for some reason. Maybe he has had some emotional baggage he never told you about.

Marrying you was not going to make his problem go away. He was irresponsible and unethical to not tell you first and deal with it before he married.

1 Reply

@Lisa Michael ,

Quote:

About your story, I do agree with you, but somehow you can workout the marriage if your relationship is going well for that long.

You might be right, but at this point I'm wouldn't want to take the chance.

Maybe he is just looking for an excuse but it could be a hopeful sign that he was willing to admit his depression. If he continues to want divorce but you still think you two are a good match, let him know your willingness to work through his depression AND give him the divorce. You can always get married again if that still looks appropriate.

1 Reply

@maxdancona,

@maxdancona
I agree with what you've said, it's the excitement of getting to know someone new who's trying to give attention and care and be by your side all the time especially the hardest.
I cannot deny that I was attached to him because of what he done and the way we used to talk about each other -before deciding to get in a relationship and how he was so excited and accepting all my past and flaws and whatever else I've said.
You know that I've just been honest to him so he'd know everything and made up his mind (because I have been hurt enough from my ex-bf).
And he just understood and accepted everything

1 Reply

@Lisa Michael ,

None of what you have just written is a decent reason to get married.

0 Replies

@Ragman,

@ragman
Thanks for going through my question,
Actually the points that you've pointed out are the same that everyone commented about, and even I think of it, but when I remembered everything was going before, I couldn't believe my eyes that this could be a reason for the current situation (I mean not getting along for so long) because as I mentioned before, we've been not only dating for love, but he shared me responsibility of babysitting kids.
And probably this is not a good reason to be a partner, but why someone could handle this if he's not serious and just flirting?
And about the family friendship it indicates that the guy and his family are well known and respected.
I cannot deny that my in laws are nice, but their son who has changed.

1 Reply

@Leadfoot,

@Leadfoot
Yeah, definitely after reading my story you won't sacrifice and get married. Lol. But if you guys are okay with each other then go for it. I wish you both best of luck.

And I think that's better when he talked-about his depression case, and I understood it totally and tried to help him getting over it.
It won't be easy and it takes time to heal. But I hope God will help us

0 Replies

@Lisa Michael ,

You may want to re-read what I wrote and other wrote because you are not grasping this - or are in denial.

My belief is that he didn't change. He is showing his true colors. He's damaged emotionally and can't be in a marriage committed relationship right now.

I wish you the best.

1 Reply

@Ragman,

@ragman
I have read it again, and I got your point, I agree with you in regard of "coloring ". As probably you need to live with someone in a daily basis, same house, so you can get along to know him.
But I couldn't understand why someone could have loan and spend thousands on a marriage if he's not serious or if it's fake relationship or temporary feelings or whatever it could be!
Thanks again

1 Reply

@Lisa Michael ,

Quote:

I couldn't understand why someone could have loan and spend thousands on a marriage if he's not serious or if it's fake relationship or temporary feelings or whatever it could be!

FWIW, I recently read a study about the relationship between cost of wedding and length of the marriage.

They were inversely proportional. More money spent = shorter marriage.
The relationship between these factors was stronger when the money was borrowed.

1 Reply

@Leadfoot,

@Leadfoot
Yes that's so common and I heard about a lot of such cases, but the ones who had a fairytale wedding.
Mine was so normal and minimum of everything but it's quite expensive marriage costs in Australia (where I got married).
What I mean is, he took a step and proposed to me and made the efforts to arrange the wedding as much as he can.
But right after marriage everything turned upside down

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newly wed but my husband is cold

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