FAMILY?

eoe

He sounds like a self obsessed brat & his grandmother sounds as though she needs a hobby! I really can't see why everyone should be bending over backwards to accomodate his shift to university. What about a bit of straight talking from both his parents? I don't mean threats or games. Just straight talk about why his behaviour toward his mother was unacceptable. He might be worried about leaving home, he mightn't have liked being discussed on the phone either .... but his response to these things is way beyond what's reasonable teenage angst.

That's what I think too, msolga. He's a smart kid and he's been accepted into a prestigious college. We're all very proud of him. I think he's stressed out, leaving home for the first time, aware of how much it all means to his family, but that does not give him license to disrespect his mother and attempt to pass judgement on her, no matter how stressed he may be.

There are truly two sides to every story and yesterday, I heard my godson's side. He adores his mother and said that he would never, ever disrespect her but he had some things that needed to be said before he left and felt that that was as good a time as any.

What she calls disrespect, he calls being honest.

He says that everything she's accused him of, disrespect, not having a civil tongue in his head, every conversation turns into an argument, is exactly what she's been doing to her own mother. I was astounded by the ironies but kept my silence and just listened, especially when it came to his grandma. I know THAT woman way too well to believe that she's being mistreated in that house.

My cousin is a soft touch who was married to a very manipulative man. Her son sees his father very clearly. Maybe too clearly, if there is such a thing, which led up to the cursing out he gave him. Apparently daddy has been stirring the pot as well, pulling the ex-wife's heartstrings, creating trouble in the house and his son doesn't like it. (he does a dead-on imitation of his father that's shamefully funny).

All in all, it sounds like a lot of misunderstanding, crossed signals, a lone female trying to raise a manchild and a sneaky ex-husband who plays one against the other and succeeds more often than I've been privy to know. In other words, A FAMILY!

I guess they'll get here in one piece. One car. Godson says that altho' he has not apologized, he and his mom are about 70% back on track now. Thay've been talking. But not about this.

Should I share what he told me with his mother? Altho' I told him some of the things she said because I felt he needed to know where her head is at, should I now tell her things he said so that she will know where his head is at? I don't want to get too deep into their mother/son relationship but...

Eoe--

I'd suggest passing on selective details--"I'd never dis my mother....I love my mother....I'm 18 and a hot shot on wheels with deep and penetrating clarity into the secrets of all human relationships...."


Little girls are catty and gossipy and mean and nasty to each other, but at least when little girls turn 18 they are aware of the pain words can cause.
Like the rest of his peer group this man child needs to practice on his mother (poor mother) so that he's not going to lose the love of his life the first time he decides to straighten her out for her own good--and to improve the world.

Believe me, there are days I am very thankful for the Empty Nest.

Remember, even Solomon listened to the Queen of Sheba.

Hold your dominion.

Yeah, he thinks he knows alot. And you know you can't tell them that they don't. That they haven't been on this planet long enough to know squat. They have to learn that on their own and all you can do is hope, with experience, that they do.

excellent
Excellent post, Noddy!

Thanks, Debra. Some men are from Mars, but most of the young ones come from beyond the asteroid belt--even from beyond Pluto!

He's a young man who, like young women, think they know everything there is to know about everything until they live a little longer and realize that they don't know ****. It's not so deep nor is it all that mysterious and it sure isn't gender-related.

Sounds like a young man who needs to be out there, relying on his own resources.

And yet acting confidently on one's perceptions is part of growing up into a strong person.

I see a disjuncture on just how rude he was to mother, and mother to her mother, and some new complexity.
It's true that one shouldn't be rude, least of all to a loving mother. A controlled quaking voice is not all so charming either. Learning how to express and discuss points of view on serious issues is a continuing adventure for all of us.

I am glad to hear they are at least partially re-engaged, and wish them well, he to grow in wisdom, and she to deal with granny. Hmm, granny. She probably has a pov too, not to mention dad, who no doubt has another take.

This is an interesting thread. I was a rotten teeneager - rotten to my mother, especially. We have a sometimes strained relationship still, but we at least get along mostly. But, your cousin's son is a step beyond even my bratiness.

I agree that he should go on and be self-reliant. So tuition is paid for, probably his car insurance is too, perhaps he should get a part-time job to pay for the rest of his life. I requested to move to college solo, I can't remember if my parents humored me.

I hope they didn't humor you. Seems to me that would be so tough on a parent to just pack their kid off to college. My mother accompanied me to NYC. We took the train from Chicago, shared a sleeper car, it was great having that time together.

My college was only a 1.5 hour drive from home. I think there was no room in the toyota for anything but me and my stuff.

Oh

I don't remember that summer after graduation being such a hard one for me and my parents. I was in a wedding that summer. The bridesmaids dress was horrendous. My cousin (the same one) and I had a huge fight after graduation and didn't speak again until I was about to go away. I was in love and that was very hard, my boyfriend and I heading in different directions for school. Lots of crying. Lots of sex. But I don't recall it being a difficult time for me and my parents.

The situation between my godson and his mother and father is so familiar to me. I was in that same situation when my parents split up and my father would hound my mother if he hadn't heard from me or he would hound me, fishing for what my mother was up to. I don't remember being so irritated about it tho. As a matter of fact, I learned to use it to my mother's advantage. Before long, I had my father buying things for her and helping her financially and all she had to do was fix him a meal from time to time. It was a win/win all around.

Said this already, but was very difficult for me. Well... it HAD been difficult for quite a while, and they both were freaking out about me leaving them. They'd wanted me to go to the local university, I refused in large part because I was so desperate to get away from them. Best decision I ever made.

They both were not in new relationships since the divorce 5 years earlier, I'm an only child, I was their whole world -- both of 'em. A lot for an 18-year-old to bear.

They both DID indeed freak out after I left, and I had to do a lot of long-distance caretaking.

But things went uphill after that.

Wow. It's just so sad that your parents let that happen to them and to you. This was supposed to be a time when you freaked out about being away from home (like I did!) and they were the long-distance caretakers, not the other way around.
And it's great that it got better.

Well, grandma (my aunt) cornered me on the phone yesterday and I got an earful from her point of view. What do you think of this?

She says that her daughter talks so badly to her son, calling him stupid and voicing her concerns, nagatively, about what kind of man he's becoming. She's very critical, according to her mother, and the son goes to his grandmother to bitch and moan about his mother. Grandma says that regardless of what her daughter says about her driving a wedge between her and her son, she's going to be there for her grandson to talk to and blahblahblah. In other words, she's his port in the storm. But in the meantime, this has created so much tension in the house, the grandma/grandson connection, and after the big blow-up a week ago, there's still alot of hurt feelings being harbored.

I was very careful talking to her yesterday. I don't want to be pulled into this any further. Do you think that grandma is doing the right thing, allowing her grandson to come to her with complaints about his mother and father? I can understand all three points of view but who's right and who's wrong here?

parenting concerns
The Grandma (your Aunt) ought to know her place! I don't mean that in a derogatory manner, but she owes her daughter unconditional, nonjudgmental love.

Even if Grandma agrees with her grandson that her daughter is making poor parenting decisions--Grandma ought NOT fuel the grandson's complaints by taking his side.

Grandma needs to show her daughter some respect; grandson needs to show his mother some respect. It sounds like the entire family requires a few lessons in effective communication.

I think everyone's a little right, everyone's a little wrong.

The grandma's perspective makes sense to me, about what I expected.

Some of the rights/ wrongs as I see it:

Grandma:

Right: Being there for grandson. Valid complaints about mom talking badly to son.
Wrong: Probably does what she can -- maybe even subconsciously -- to get "points" over his mom, to be the one he loves best.

Mom:

Right: Loving her son, taking care of him, trying to fix things. Valid complaints about interfering Grandma.
Wrong: She strikes me as too needy and a bit insecure, might be trying too hard and in the wrong ways to assert her authority and primacy.

Son:

Right: Doing his best to express his feelings and grow up. Valid complaints about his mom.
Wrong: A bit too much of a sense of entitlement, not really getting the dynamics of mom and Grandma and seeing himself first.

So who's right? Everyone. Who's wrong? Everyone.

That's families for ya. ;-)

Excellent, soz. You've nailed it, I think.