I don't want him to leave

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My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year and we have a 2 month old daughter. He recently told me that he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore because he's used to being with older women. One of his exes was only a year or two older than him but he says she was still older. Most of the women he's been with have been at least 20 to 25 years older than him. He was molested as a child by one of his mom's friends who was babysitting him and he has had a thing for older women every since. He has cheated on me in the beginning and even after I was pregnant. He had online dating accounts but he claims he is no longer on them. He is living with me now. He says he doesn't get as excited as he should about sex with me. He still gets an erection and he still cums everytime. But he says he just waits for it to be over. I've suggested counseling and he refuses. I've told him that I'm not willing to live without sex and now he wants to move out and abandon us. I want to keep our family together. I don't want our baby to grow up without a father. Any suggestions?

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Type: Question • Score: 8 • Views: 2,024 • Replies: 40

[+3] - FOUND SOUL - 10/31/2015He has major issues. I'm not sure when he told you about the abuse as a child by an older woman, before the 3 months or after you got pregnant but this guy has baggage. I hope he does go to...

@exhausted ,

exhausted wrote:

I've suggested counseling and he refuses

go to counselling on your own if he refuses.

Has he said he will not continue to parent your child if he leaves?

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He has it in his head that if he leaves he will come see her everyday at my house. I told him no way am I going to see him every day and he can have her every other weekend because I am not going to miss out on her growing up.

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@exhausted ,

The problem started already when you got pregnant 2 months into the relationship. He probably felt pressured to continue and now he realizes that it isn't a good idea to continue. Your baby won't grow up without a father as long as he's part of her life and let's hope he'll be, but as for your relationship, it's pretty much toast and the sooner you accept this the better for all.

Don't punish him with not being able to see his child, that's never a good idea and the only one suffering will be your child. So don't even think about this method to get back at him. Be mature and do the right thing!

Counseling most definitely would help you overcome your resentment.

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@exhausted ,

He wants to parent his daughter. That is a good thing.

Don't do anything to discourage that. It's not fair for your daughter.

You are going to have to grow up fast. If your daughter's father wants to see her every day it is a very good thing for the entire family.

___

Get yourself into some counselling.

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I'm not trying to punish him by not seeing his child. I told him he can have her every other weekend. If he's at my house every day then neither one of us will ever be able to move on. How am I going to have a relationship with my ex here everyday? If he's here everyday then what's the point of him moving out?

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@exhausted ,

exhausted wrote:

I told him no way am I going to see him every day

^

Don't say silly things like ^^

it's not about you

it's about your daughter

work with your daughter's father to arrange someone else being around when he's there to see her if you aren't mature enough to handle it

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@exhausted ,

exhausted wrote:

I am not going to miss out on her growing up.

there is also no good reason for her father not being able to experience his daughter growing up

she has two parents and is very lucky that both want to be part of it

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@exhausted ,

Counseling both by a medical professional and a lawyer or at least a mediator.

I ain't kiddin'. You and your child have rights in the matter. Don't let your daughter go without shoes because this guy has unresolved issues with exes and older women and childhood abuse and can't get his **** in gear.

Getting a lawyer or professional mediator involved does not mean you are vindictive or that this guy can't see his kid. But it seems very over and in the meantime, his dallying around does not get the bills paid. You can have a support agreement in place even as he tries to figure out WTF to do with himself.

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@exhausted ,

exhausted wrote:

How am I going to have a relationship with my ex here everyday?

two grown-ups can find a way to make that work

he will be there to see your daughter, not you

once he's there, you can go to class or something

or someone else can be there to meet him

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He decided over a week ago that he doesn't want to work on things. He still slept in my bed for the next 6 nights. Then I asked him what's going on and he replied that he already told me what he wants. I told him if that's what will make him happy then leave. He asked me if I wanted him to leave right then and I said yes. He then gathered up some dirty clothes and put them in my washer and said he would leave after he did some laundry. Then he decided he was going for a drive. He came back and put his clothes in the dryer and took a shower. After he got out he asked if he could stay here for 2 weeks or a month until he could find something and that he would sleep on the couch. He's still staying here.

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@ehBeth,

Why should I have to leave my house everyday? I work full time and have a 4 year old to take care of also. Homework, supper, baths, laundry and house cleaning. I don't have time to leave everyday.

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@jespah,

He claims that he moved in with me to help me. My house is paid for and was before I met him. I prepaid my electric, gas and water because I knew I was about to be off work to have a baby. I stocked up my pantry and deep freeze and on all household supplies. Now that I will begin to have bills again in a couple of months he wants to leave. I have bought all of the big things in her room crib, dresser, swing, etc. I have paid all doctor bills except $200 he paid after he moved in because when he lived on his own he was always broke and had no money at all to help.

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@exhausted ,

Then you need a lawyer.

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@exhausted ,

exhausted wrote:

Why should I have to leave my house everyday?

you don't want to see him - he wants to see his daughter every day

how do you propose that happen?

and yes, I think he should be able to see his daughter every day

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@ehBeth,

Ok so let me get this straight. You think that I should get up at 4 am so I can get me and both my girls ready and take my 2 month old to the baby sitter and my 4 year old to school, go to work all day, get off go get both girls, come home cook and wash dishes and feed both girls, give both girls baths, and do laundry and clean up the house and still find the time to take my 4 year old and leave my own house everyday? I'm guessing that you have not tried what you suggest is ok for others to do.

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@ehBeth,

Just like I can't add 6 years to my age, I can't add more hours to a day.

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@ehBeth,

Besides all of that between babysitter, school and work where would the extra gas come from? Do you think the gas station attendant would let me full up my tank for free for leaving my house everyday for him to see her? I don't think so.

1 Reply

@exhausted ,

Well, if it helps:
- I don't know any separated couple, where the mother lets the father see their child every single day (I'm sure there are, but I don't know of any)
- I agree that would make moving on very difficult, and finding a new partner very difficult
- I also think that the time consumption of such an arrangement would be excessively exhausting (over & above that of raising a baby), when compared to normal arrangements for child visitation

On the flip side, it's great that he wants to be involved in his child's life so much - he could quite easily also have been a deadbeat dad.

Talk to him. See if you can find a happy medium.

1 Reply

@vikorr,

Thank you vikorr. I don't have enough time in my day to get everything done and leave my house everyday. I'm not trying to keep her from him at all. Normal visitation where I'm from is every other weekend. In my opinion if he wanted to be here with her everyday he would've actually tried to make it work.

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I don't want him to leave

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