I still have feelings for my ex

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I'm not quite sure how this work but here it goes. I dated a guy four years ago we were in a long distance relationship for 8 months. I went over to visit him and about a week after I arrived home things began to take turn for the worst we began arguing alot and of course with us being long distance everything being said was picked up wrong or miscommunicated anyway he broke up with me and I was devastated he blocked me social media sites and we didn't speak again up on till about a month ago. I messaged him telling him i wanted to get closure and didn't wanna cause any problems. I also told him that I am in a happy relationship whichI am in currently. I honestly didn't expect a reply but he did telling me that there was no hard feelings, he was glad I was doing well and that he was gonna reach out to me sooner but didn't wanna come off as weird. He admitted that in the relationship he was stubborn and immature because he was hurt. He told me he hasn't be in a relationship with anyone since me that he hasn't really looked. We began talking anyway and he brought up some memories from the past I mentioned that it was the best time of my life when I came over to see him and he agreed it was a good time we talked for a good few hours laughing and joking like the old friends and I felt so happy. Then I realised that I still love him so I deleted him off social media I apologised to him for this but I said that things were just complicated as talking to him brought back so many memories and that although we had bad times in our relationship we had some pretty amazing times too. I asked if him if we could still be friends and he said there was too much drama for a friendship! I don't understand this!? I wasn't trying to cause any drama but I don't wanna hurt my current boyfriend either and I know my ex has probably moved on so I didn't wanna upset him by letting my true feelings get the better of me. So what should I do I still love this guy after all this time and I don't know whether I should just admit defeat or what
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Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 1,010 • Replies: 11

[+4] - CoastalRat - 10/14/2015[quote]I messaged him telling him i wanted to get closure and didn't wanna cause any problems.[/quote]I feel sorry for this poor guy. After nearly 4 years, you suddenly decide you want closure...

@Cella,

You have my sympathy. Such relationships, particularly shorter ones, are a tad easier to overcome than ones that last years. I wish you good luck and good energy to overcome this pain. Sometimes, after a while, you remember more of the good than the bad...more than is realistic or wise.

Try not to think of this in terms of defeat or failure. That attitude won't help you to where you need to be. Every relationship even the ones that end painfully or too soon...unfinished...has the potential of teaching us valuable lessons. Sometimes the lessons can cause us more pain than we'd like. Or they can open our eyes to areas in which we need to grow

Even though you weren't intending the drama, the drama is inherent in contacting each other...being in touch can stir up intensity..that for one person or both ...might be best left alone so as to heal over. This drama can follow along like a shadow. Best to just let time heal. IMHO, in some cases, closure can be way over-rated, frankly.

If you're still in this new relationship, enjoy it and work on it. The past, in this case, might be best to remain in the past. Work on your job if you have one, family time, or creative project. Try to fill your time so that you don't have time to dwell on the past.

This advice happens to be coming from a man who is still in touch with my ex (never married) of 5 years, 1999-2004. We've been in touch for the last 11 years. We both have had long term relationships since we lived together. In fact, this same woman re-married her former ex-hubby.

Life can take funny twists and turns.

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@Cella,

It's terrific that you've got some good memories.

That relationship is over and the guy doesn't think you're a good candidate for friendship - for whatever reason. Soooo time to move on from that.

If you think you're in love with the old guy, I think you should break up with your current boyfriend. It's not fair to him to be in a relationship with someone who loves someone else.

Once you're on your own (and have been that way for a while - like 6 -12 months), start dating again with a clear mind.

Hopefully you'll have learned more about good relationships from this process.

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@ehBeth,

Aunt Beth offers great advice.

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Thanks guys for the advice means alot! Iv been in a few relationships since our break-up but honestly I think more so as a distraction to try get over my ex at the beginning of each one I'm OK like happy enough but then a few months in I can't help but think of my ex and how I wish things were different. I'm with my current boyfriend 2 years on Thursday and he is great to me I honestly don't deserve it and feel so guilty that my ex is still on my mind. I'm trying my best to focus on my current relationship and forget my ex but it is so difficult I really miss the person he was and the way he made me feel. I honestly wish him the best in life but to me he will always be the one that got away.

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@Cella,

Be aware of self-sabotage.

Why aren't you the one that someone else thinks as the one who got away? Why don't you consider yourself as that person?

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@Cella,

You're right about one thing - the old guy is gone.

Take some time to sort yourself out. If you've been in the current relationship for 2 years and had a few relationships since breaking up with the old guy 4 years ago - it doesn't sound like you've taken enough of a break to be on your own and figure out what you need from yourself, let alone anyone else.

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@ragman and eh Beth
Thank you for your advice Smile

sorry I don't really know how to work this and think I disliked your post instead of liking it apologies!! Haha no I don't think anyone would think that way about me to be honest!

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@Cella,

So, that's your growth area...working this self-esteem issue.

I wish you the best. You can do it!

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@Ragman,

Your a God send thank you so much!! I will definitely try Smile

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@Cella,

Quote:

I messaged him telling him i wanted to get closure and didn't wanna cause any problems.

I feel sorry for this poor guy. After nearly 4 years, you suddenly decide you want closure with him even though you have not spoken in that time and you have a new guy in your life? So you crash back into this guy's life and start chatting, renewing the friendship and then you suddenly cut him off?

I think you need to take a long hard look at your current relationship. If you are reaching out to a guy from 4 years ago, leading him on as you did in your conversation with him and then abruptly cutting him off, then you are either a bit nasty or unsure about your current relationship. Or both.

Stop contacting the other guy. Leave the poor guy alone.

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@Cella,

Same thing happened to me but we never argued expect when I wanted a closure ....I love him he broke up with me cuz eh didn´t want a long distance relationship but he was the one who suggested when we went back to our countries we were even engaged if you are already in a relationship and happy let it go you got your closure I still haven´t got it mine I wrote him a letter but he never replied....we were doing the friends thing and somehow I understand the guy you can´t be friends with someone you were in love with I couldn´t that is why I sent my ex a letter. And he never replied ever btw if you can asnwer my question please.

http://able2know.org/topic/306403-1

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I still have feelings for my ex

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