Is it jealousy?

I've never had to deal with this, but i definitely think something odd is going on. It is my experience that women do not care for strangers staring at them, let alone an attempt to "look down their top," or to otherwise indulge in a voyeuristic activity. I suggest that there is something very strange going on in this woman's head, and that she has exhibitionist tendancies. All of this is delivered with the caveat that this is opinion, and not expert opinion.

My wife has similar tendencies. But it's odd, sometimes she's really embarrassed, and at other times she exhibits simlar behavior as what you've just described.

When she was younger she was a nude model. Not only did she make the rounds at college art classes, she even was hired out to pose nude in artist's homes! Now she says she "couldn't imagine doing that now".

And yea, you're probably showing a little jealously. But to me it seems like a NORMAL reaction in our society to not want the rest of the world gaping at your girlfriend, so I wouldn't consider the jealous feelings inapproiate.

I admit I still get slight pangs of jealously occasionally when I see this painting that's hanging up in our apartment. It's a very skillful and beautiful painting of my wife when she was in her early 20's painted by a male friend of hers.

You know how men are. Even if she dressed conservatively men would comment on her body. She may have exhibitionist tendencies. She also may be very very comfortable with her sexuality and her body. Many women are not. Her attitude actually strikes me as rather "male" in not caring about how she looks in front of other people. The "we're all just animals" comment hints at a rather liberated way of thinking (like some Satanists tend to have). The bottom line is this seems to be a major part of her behaviour that she may have had long before you and will probably have long after you. It may be such a natural part of her behaviour that she may actually forget it bothers you. You do have every right to be jealous/insecure about this; that is natural as well. Since she is living with you, I am not sure this is necessarily an issue to split up over. You should try to express to her that since you are living together, there is a higher commitment level than just dating and that she should try to be more considerate of your feelings. You may also want to drop that men being how they are, this behaviour may lead them to the wrong ideas about her. Good luck to you, adn unless you are very in love with her be prepared to move on.

I don't know. I have a friend, who is the same way - she just doesn't care who looks at her and will walk around her apartment nearly naked with her husband and friends (her friends, women) there. I felt extremely uncomfortable, but neither she nor he seemed to care. Some people are just that way. Other thing is that you told her repeatedly that you are not comfortable with it. Did she take it seriously? You may need to reiterate your feelings to her and explain clearly that it is not out of jealousy that it concerns you, but that it makes you uncomfortable socially, that you are not accustomed to such behavrior. Hope you can talk it out, she should understand your point of view, I think it is legitimate.

Your reaction may be jealousy-based, but it's totally reasonable as well. Sounds like the two of you have some major differences of opinion about what's acceptable and what is not regarding modesty. I say if it really bothers you, bail. She's not going to change her way of thinking and neither are you.

Quietman--

1. She owns her body. She has made body and soul commitments to you. The question seems to be do you own her behavior?

2. You find her habit of exhibiting her body to friends and strangers unsettling.

3. She doesn't seem to care. Her exhibitionism makes you unhappy.

4. People are talking.

"Caught"? Did the conversation include you? Or were you eavesdropping? This are friends of hers, but not your friends? Were these "friends" complementing her body or talking about what a wimp you must be not to keep her under control?

Which bothers you more--what her exhibitionism says about her or what her exhibitionism says about you?

Two thoughts: I had a girlfriend years ago, who walked around practically naked in front of whomever might be around. This gal was raised strict Irish Catholic and could not in any way be termed loose. At her house one day, while she was in the bathroom half-naked (my boyfriend was with me) I asked her mother, why she allowed her daughter to prance around disrobed. Her Mom said there was nothing wrong with the naked body and no one should be ashamed of theirs. [Not what the priests taught us]I could've fell over. This was the 1970's and this mom was way ahead of her time. My point to this is "what was her upbringing"?

My second thought is that females after a few years of birthing babies and seeing upteen doctors soon take nakeness for granted. It's no big deal.

Jealously is not always the fault of the jealous person. It sounds like she's not respecting your views on the relationship. She doesn't appreciate your feelings, and there doesn't seem to be a good reason for her to go against them. I mean, if you didn't want her to have any friends for example, that would be your problem, not hers. In that case there would be a good reason for her to hurt your feelings. In this case it sounds like it is her problem. I hope you guys have good communication, because this needs to be talked about.

All very good points and comments, thank you.

I realize that this is a choice. It is strange, though. Like Briarwizard's wife, she sometimes really cares, and sometimes not. It's not that she had something in her upbringing that would encourage this behaviour; she simply does it.

I agree the human form is beautiful, but what helps create that special intimacy two people share is the fact it isn't shared with everyone else. I know there is more to intimacy than physicality, but it is a part nonetheless.

We've had very serious talks about it, and she swears she isn't an exhibitionist. Yes, I'm a more than a little jealous. And as far as 'catching' pieces of conversation, actually I just walked into a room/around a corner twice and heard people talking about it.

I guess Noddy24, I care what it says about her and the fact that she's disrespecting my feelings on the matter.

Hmm. Problem as I see it is - you feel uncomfortable if she's too "free" in this kind of thing - but she would feel uncomfortable checking herself all the time if thats not her natural instinct.

Neither is inherently more "right" than the other - all just a matter of one's conventions. So what to do?

Thing is, right now she looks bad cause she's ignoring what feels right for you, choosing to make you feel uncomfortable rather than feeling uncomfortable herself. But turn it around, and it would be the same thing - if you would get your way, you'd have basically forced her to feel uncomfortable (all the time checking herself), just so you dont feel uncomfortable.

Sounds like you guys will just need to compromise on this one. She can sometimes heed your feelings a little, while you'll just have to accept she'll still be more "free" than might feel comfortable to you.

I have to say tho, in the end, imho, the burden of compromise always falls slightly more towards the person who's "demanding". She is the way she is, and though you are of course free to express your feelings and ask her to take them into account, she's still gonna be herself, and you wouldnt want it otherwise (I hope). I'm sure there's stuff about you she has to take into her stride as well. I mean, if she loves you she'll try to take your feelings into account, I'm sure, and its fully reasonable to ask her to, too - but you dont want to push it to the point where she feels she's expected to be someone else than her natural self. Trying to change people to make 'em fit your expectations is always a little more problematic than trying to change your expectations so as to accept someone for who (s)he is, warts and all.

Um, where do you live? And what time does your girlfriend usually change at night?

Just wonderin'

Nakedness sensitivity is a cultural thing. Let's face it; there are naked beaches in this world, and not much embarrassment is associated with it. In many countries, there are unisex bathrooms/restrooms. My wife used to be extremely sensitive about her nakedness even when she dressed and undressed in the bedroom with the blinds open where we have a fence twenty feet from the window with most of the view blocked by trees. I told her nobody is interested in constantly looking into our bedroom window from the upper floors of the apartment which is another 30 plus feet away on the other side from the fence by chance they'll be able to see her nakedness. In Japan we used unisex toilets.

Yeah, CI. When I was in Japan many years ago, I was surprised to be sitting on the toilet and these lovely women walked in and went right by me. They didn't even glance in my direction.

What does "it" mean? Her naturalness? Her scorn for modesty? Her "exhibitionism"?

All this boils down to "I don't like this. I want her to stop. Because she doesn't stop she is not respecting my feelings."

You want her to change. She doesn't want to change. You think your feelings about what she is are more important than what she wants to be.

The two of you have some talking to do.

Yep, true: there are cultures in the world where this is totally acceptable. Problem is, I wasn't born and raised in one, and we don't live in one. Doesn't make another wrong and mine right or vice versa. However, it is important to note that around these parts, it's not the norm. And since that's the case, I'm not the only one uncomfortable with it.

It's not something I'm willing to end the relationship when everything else is fine. BUT: I'm confused by her inconsistency. Why care one minute and not the next? The situation does not dicatate, her behavior has been erratic. And more importantly, it's not simply the act, but the blatant disregard for my thoughts/feelings on the matter. I would feel this way if it were something else.

I agree with your point about the cultural. Any woman in our society knows well the likely response of men to partial, near or full nudity. I think it is silly to speak about personal freedom from constraint without acknowledging the predictable response.

quietman, I wasn't born and raised in one either, but I am well traveled, and hopefully well educated in the ways of many cultures. The US is a conglomeration of many cultures, and the world today is much smaller than it was 100 years ago. We can now travel half way around the world in less than 24 hours. We communicate on the internet with folks all around the globe almost instantaneously. We no longer talk about our economy in isolation; it's a world market place. We must now accept that we will meet and engage with many people during our life time. You can either accept or deny what is happening around you; that's your choice, but you would limit your life experiences, and that would be a shame. Stubornness is fine in some aspects of one's life, but not accepting the multitude of cultural norms is tantamount to denial of your environment, and much unhappiness.

CI: It's not that I'm not open to other cultures, it's just not for me. My years of living and learning and experiencing many things doesn't limit my acceptance of different opinions. I've traveled a bit myself, and I've seen this in other places. I don't feel like I'm being stubborn simply because I don't want my partner to be so 'open' with others. I *personally* don't know anyone who thinks "Hey, it's ok, check him/her out". Usually just between two people.

Not really 'denying' what's happening around me, either. Always open to new things, but that doesn't mean I have to accept them. I'm guessing you don't accept every cultural difference you've encountered in your travels. That's just how it is.

It's true that I don't accept every cultural difference, but there's a difference between accept and tolerate. I guess your description of your girlfriend undressing in front of an open window on the busy street seems somewhat myopic to me; I doubt very much people are looking into your window to watch your girlfriend undress. The odds are against - in my estimation, and feel you're making too big a deal out of something that probably should be of little or no concern. Like my wife dressing and undressing in our bedroom with open blinds; that's really overboard in my books.