Is it jealousy?

To each his own, eh?

The gal should close the drapes. Being oblivious to this is absurd - regardless of what your feelings are, she's got to know that people are seeing her do her stuff. At bottom (pun semi-intended), she needs to discover her right to privacy.

Unless you live deep in the country or in a huge city high rise - and it sounds like you don't - most houses today are close enough together that everyone can see into everyone else's windows, even without trying to. And in high rise areas, you can see even more, it's just since you see into so many different windows, the chance of focusing on one person or another isn't high unless that person is very striking.

Given that your buddies are talking about it says, to me, that you live in a suburban or semi-urban area and either they are seeing or they know folks who are. I know if the roles were reversed, I'd feel awfully uncomfortable if my female friends were able to see, and I heard them commenting on, my husband's body.

And I think it's worse when the genders are as they are in this situation. Men are hard-wired to be very visual and any woman who undresses with the blinds open has got to know that a guy is looking or is interested in looking. Or, at minimum, that he won't look away if the opportunity presents itself. And she's presenting the opportunity on a silver platter.

Culture has nothing to do with it. Culture is a red herring in this case. And intimacy doesn't have a lot to do with it, too, although of course I can see where it has a lot to do with your feelings. One need not have horrible sexual and body image hangups to want to have a little privacy. It's no rejection of culture or personal preferences to ask for someone to have a little discretion.

I'm concerned that you see it as a big deal, and she doesn't. While she need not cater to your every whim, to my mind this may be a sign of insensitivity to your feelings. Is this the only area where this happens, or are there other situations wherein you request something and the request is treated cavalierly?

Well, there are a few other situations in which I receive similar response, but her stance on this is the...'strongest' I guess you'd say. That's why while the act itself bothers me, it's the treatment that is the potential show-stopper.

Unfortunately, though some may not admit it, you're right: men like to look, and we won't shield our eyes from an open opportunity. Sure, if it's accidental we'll go through the "gee I'm sorry I didn't mean to I didn't see a thing" routine.

Sometimes it's hard to be intimate, watching her undress, knowing that she doesn't do it just for me, but that she'll do it in front of several others. I think something's lost there...

The problem with this part is that it goes both ways. By acting the way she does, she's disregarding your feelings. But by demanding her not to act the way she does, you would be disregarding her feelings. (And considering what you write about "her stance" on this, those feeling are pretty strong ...)

Its one of those circular things!

On a more abstract level, it seems like some people feel that in a loving relationship, you shouldnt do anything your loved one doesn't like; whereas other people feel that in a truly loving relationship, you shouldn't ask your loved one to not do the stuff (s)he likes or feels good with, just for your sake. Yet its the same logic in both cases: the idea is not to put your own feelings over those of your loved one ...

In practice, its not going to be so black and white - we all make compromises. But if you play it hard, you might end up in a discussion exactly like that - "do you want me to change for you?" It seems like the older people get, the less kindly they look upon that ...

My mother taught me that it was a mistake to expect anyone to change for someone else. So, while I'm not perfect, and Setanta's not perfect, we've got to accept who we are if we want to continue in a relationship. If he realizes that he can't deal with who I am, and what I do, well, the smart thing to do will be to acknowledge it - tell me, and both of us move on.

Trying to change each other would cause more agony than any outcome could be worth.

ok, here is the thing... my hubby's friend (who is a girl) spent a night with us... i got her a gift (a top)... she wanted to try it on, so she asked my husband (who was in the same room) to close his eyes and she changed her top... i was shocked!! but then i thought that maybe this was ok in the US... maybe people did that sometimes... anyway i didnt like it
i used to change with the drapes open becoz sometimes it was too much of a hassle to cover the windows and i thought that people cant really see me if i am in a correct position... but one day i saw this completely naked guy in his apartment in my apartment building, and i realized that maybe people can see me too from the window... since then i make it a point to pull down the drapes!