Should I give my girlfriend forgiveness?

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Let me start by saying my girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years. I was planning a proposal this fall. She went to a bachelorette party in June. When she returned she was acting a bit odd. One evening I saw a text that was sent the Saturday night of the party. The message said "hey its ****." Thanks for a great night you are really sweet." I asked her about it and she immediately lied saying he was just a nice guy that bought them drinks. After drilling her with questions it turned into that she liked the attention from this guy and they continued the night by dancing. He attempted to kiss her two times and at one point had his arm around her. He fed her all the lines and told her she was beautiful and yada yada. She flirted back just as much as a single girl would have. She says she did tell him she has a boyfriend after he tried to kiss her the first time. The girls plan was to tell them they were going back to their place so they could share a cab, then ditch them with the fair when they got close to where the girls were staying. They told the driver to stop, got out and said they were leaving. He gave her a hug and they left. She says she sent that text when they got back because she wanted more attention from him. I really don't believe she did anything with him but I cannot get rid of this feeling of betrayal. After six years how could she do something like this. Let a man have his hands all over her all night. Then lie about it. I need help because I do not want this relationship to end. But I also can't get the image out of my mind. Anything will help because I am at a total loss. Thank you very much.

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@Nortyl02,

Has your girlfriend apologized or asked for forgiveness? I think you can forgive her in your heart, but you won't truly be able to work through the betrayal unless she recognizes that she betrayed you. Rebuilding trust is absolutely possible, but both people need to be willing.

In my experience, forgiveness is something you have to choose every day. If you tell her you forgive her, it means making a conscious choice every day to leave the past in the past and move forward. It's up to you to decide if the relationship is worth making that daily choice.

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@Nortyl02,

You don't trust your girlfriend now.

What can she do to regain that trust? think about it and talk to her about it honestly.

___

How are you seeing her messages?

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Yes it is absolutely worth trying to save. However, how can you forgive somebody you love with all your heart after they hurt you so bad. For that brief moment I was no longer her boyfriend. I wasn't even a thought in her head. She has asked for forgiveness and apologized numerous times. But the fact is that she lied right off the bat and about quite a few things. Therefore it's hard for me to believe she is sincere in her apology and that she isn't still lying about worse/bigger things

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@Nortyl02,

Have you asked her what she is going to do to regain your trust and earn your forgiveness?

not what she is going to say - what is she going to do

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No I have not. But what can she honestly do to regain my trust?

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She also blatantly admitted that If I had not found out she would have never told me.

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@Nortyl02,

You say that you don't want the relationship to end - there isn't going to be much of a relationship if you don't trust her.

Talk to her. Tell her you don't trust her. Ask her what she is going to do to help you regain your trust in her.

The result may be that she can't think of anything that will accomplish that goal.

At that point you have to accept that the relationship doesn't have a future.

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@Nortyl02,

May I ask how old you two are, approximately? I'm a semi-believer that people can benefit from having had a "wild oats sowing" time, that people who either marry or express devotion to partnership when quite young will at some point want to break out, and "test what is out there", realizing that life can be extra long if you are wanting to explore, but are stuck. Had you made each other promises?
After six years, you were thinking of marriage? Or had you talked about it before?
I'm not saying that is always true for people who got together early and then stayed together forever, but I think it is sometimes.

That may have nothing to do with you two, or, maybe it does.

Forgiveness? You aren't married, even if you were thinking you were partners all that time. It might be helpful if you two talked more with understanding coming from both of you, not just you struggling with forgiving her for what sounds like a night of fun.

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I am 29 and she is 28. We have talked about marriage and I had decided that this fall I was going to propose

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@Nortyl02,

One moment - how is this different from behaviour most men exhibit with the 'traditional' stripper at the bachelor party?

Many strippers will give the bachelor a lap dance. You're saying she didn't sleep with him, and she didn't even kiss him. To my way of thinking, you seem quite unreasonably jealous. It was a bachelorette party.

Are you sure you aren't worried that more than that happened?

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Of course i am worried about that. But i would like to give her the benefit of the doubt that it didn't. But it does scare me

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@Nortyl02,

Nortyl02 wrote:

I had decided that this fall I was going to propose

don't propose to someone you don't trust

whether or not I think it's reasonable to not trust someone in this situation, you don't trust her and until that is sorted there's no point in proposing

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@Nortyl02,

Quote:

Of course i am worried about that. But i would like to give her the benefit of the doubt that it didn't. But it does scare me

If that is the reason you are jealous, then I quite understand.

But as she doesn't seem likely to make any further admissions to you, then you probably need to know - giving her the benefit of the doubt is only an intellectual exercise - That you hold these emotions of jealousy are a sign that your emotional brain does not believe your logical brain. Feelings start in a completely different part of your brain to where your logic occurs - so they can be, and often are, in conflict.

In many ways, your emotions (and emotional brain centre) are much stronger than your intellect (logical brain centre), and your emotions will constantly find outlet until you accept, and address the cause of your emotions. In other words, it is quite likely you will constantly sabotage your relationship (usually without intending to)...unless you attend to, and address your emotions on this topic with her.

Or yet another way - your emotions will find an outlet one way or another...until they are addressed. You will have little control over how they are let out (because you won't see your reaction coming), until you accept your emotions as valid, and understand and address the reasons for them.

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Should I give my girlfriend forgiveness?

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