How do I tell someone I don't want to be friends with them?

Talk to your advisor about this girl following you around because of a crush. Seriously - rejected people can sometimes be problematic, so you want that out there to an impartial third party authority at your school.

Now, as for your 'pal', you need to, in public, tell her that the two of you are not friends. I say public because you want witnesses. You do not want to give her a means of having a private emotional outlet. If she wants to cry or scream about it, then it's in public. Be firm, direct, and clear.

"___(whatever her name is), we are not friends. We never have been. Leave me alone."

Then leave. Period. Do not wait, do not listen, do not offer an apology. Just go.

Now, unless your classes are very small ones (and as a freshman that is less likely, albeit not impossible, particularly if your school is not very big), then the main thing is to sit somewhere away from her and surround yourself with other people. Possibly even go so far as to get in early to grab a seat or late to be forced to grab one elsewhere. If she 'saves' you a seat, don't take it. Just, avoid proximity.

After class, you are busy. Make up something if you must. You work off campus. You are going on a field trip. You have to study at the library and you work best alone. You're going on a date. Whatever. If you don't want to out and out lie (and you don't owe this gal the truth, BTW), then use the studying excuse. After all, you really do have to study at some point.

You are always busy.

Make friends in class who are not her, whoever they are.

Hence a part of you always being busy is that no one on one time with you is possible for her.

If she begins to give you other forms of grief, e. g. visiting your dorm too much, changing seats in class to sit closer to you, accosting you on the sidewalk or the campus bus or whatever, then start with the regular channels. Problems in class? Talk to the professor. Problems at the dorm? Talk to whoever is the head of security there. Problems on the bus or sidewalk? You can escalate it to the campus police.

All the while, as I mentioned first, if you have already talked to your advisor then there is already a record of complaints. And keep a record, too, as detailed as you can make it. I'm not kidding, because if it gets really bad and there is a disciplinary hearing to see if she should be kicked out of the school, that information will be valuable.

And hang in there. I'm sorry this is coloring your experience, and she is a jerk of the highest order and utterly clueless if she thinks this will somehow get you two closer. The whole things sounds a lot like a rejected suitor which is why I am urging caution.

But don't let this run your collegiate life, and don't feel the need to transfer or the like unless it gets really, really bad. Maybe keep your plans to yourself, too, e. g. when it comes time to select your classes for the spring semester of 2016, don't tell anyone which classes you are taking.

If she gets violent, of course, then call 911 and the regular cops, campus cops be damned. In the meantime, I hope she finds other interests and finally gets the message that you are not interested.

"but my better nature often makes me act TOO nice and lenient without thinking first. I often act nicely just to get through the day with her, and completely forget that I'm prolonging and reinforcing her affection each time I do."

So - HOW is she supposed to know she is suffocating you? HOW is she supposed to know that you don't want her around?

You need to announce to her that you are feeling crowded by her and need some space. Tell her you are going to find new friends and she should too. Get away from any common group or common friends. Then tell her you don't want to see or hear from her for at least a week. See if she can do that (and you, too!) This may mean more work for YOU than for HER.

If she is persistent or gets weird, then do the things suggested in the above post. I don't think you have been stern enough to her and YOU have given out mixed messages. Say a what you mean and mean what you say.

In six months you will be writing about a guy who is bothering you. So you better learn how to break these unhealthy or unwanted ties soon.

True, I haven't really been clear with her, and that is entirely my fault. However I'm having trouble trying it again because I don't know exactly WHEN I should do it. That time we argued gave me a perfect moment, but the next year, she all but forgot about it. (Even when I mentioned it to her, she didn't remember it being a bad encounter....and it was pretty bad. There was profanity involved.) I don't know when I'll get that opportunity again and out of the blue seems kinda...out of the blue.

This is NOT something you say in the heat of an argument. You need to express it so it sounds like that's going to be good for HER, too.


Calmly tell her that "Oh, by the way. I want to talk about what's going on between us. I feel that I need some space around myself. I'm going to ask you to give me that space so I can explore campus by myself. I'm sure you want to do that, too, by yourself. Let's not see each other for a week and check back with each other. That's something I feel I must do now"

I have been doing some of the things you have said. I have been arriving early/late and sitting away from her, leaving class and going somewhere off or around campus without so much as a goodbye or notification. I've just been disappearing on her, or making fake plans with people she doesnt like. She does not see it as intentional ( I don't know if she genuinely doesn't see it, or prefers not to) but it gets the job done.

My issue is, that she is a persistent person, and eventually she will catch on and confront me about it (she did that at some point when she and I had that argument. I insisted that I just didn't feel like talking, and she somehow interpreted it as 'I'm not mad at you'.) How would I go about preparing for it? I can't do it randomly, like in class, because I couldn't walk away...

Thats...not a bad idea. It sounds fair. I don't know about the 'checking back with her' part though. She will most likely take what I say to heart and come FIND me the next week.

You don't owe her a check back. You don't owe her an easy letdown.

You might want to check out this person on our site - http://able2know.org/user/equestrianforlife7xo/

That's the other side of things. In that scenario, you're the construction worker.

You don't have to be passive about this.

Wow...that girl...is very very scary...And it does indeed remind me of my situation lol.

But I don't know how to just...be mean. It would feel better if I let her down easy, because I'm not comfortable with being mean about it.

Jesus!!! Wake up, smell the coffee, and stop being a GODDAM PUSSY! She is crazy, and will interpret anything less than utter, abrupt, brusque no-discussions rejection as a come-on. You should keep a record of this. She could get nasty and turn things around onto YOU. Don't ever be alone with her.

I know im being a pussy! That's the problem DX
And I've been alone with her lots of times. (Mostly its becuase i go off somewhere to be alone, and she follows, so it ends up being the two of us -.-) she feels the need to try and cuddle or lean on me, saying I'm 'comfortable'.

While I agree that she will take things that I say the wrong way, i dont think she's dangerous. Shes creepy, but nothing bad has happened, and I don't think she would do anything to me.

I don't mean to comment twice, but I took more time and read further into that girl's post...I read all 34 pages. I was so engaged by her insanity and obsession that I had to see how it ended. (I'm a little upset that there was no answer.)

Is that...really my situation? Is that really the way the girl who is following me could be thinking about me? O.o I mean, she's a creepy SOB, and doesn't understand social cues AT ALL, just like Equestrian...but still.

Well, I'm no doctor, so take this information for what it's worth, but it also seemed to me like there was a misunderstanding/no acknowledgement of/twisting of social cues. That seems to come from Asperger's but like I said, I am not a doctor. I shouldn't be speculating such things about either person.

But this is why I wrote what I did. For most people, the social cues would be obvious or they would be pretty close. And that person would back off, or at least would realize that by dissing your friends, that they weren't endearing themselves to you at all. Most of us understand that one of the ways to the hearts of people we like is to not put them down, not diminish or belittle their likes or their accomplishments. There's a difference between being nervous and awkward versus being that utterly baffled by social cues.

This is also why I'm saying to make a record and to be cautious. I really don't think this girl will understand subtleties. She may not even understand if you are as direct as I said to be, e. g. we aren't friends, we never were, etc. But at least if you make your speech in public, that person will be able to ask others, did she really mean it? And most people will say, yes, she did.

But subtlety and beating around the bush aren't getting you anywhere. I've had guys (way back when; I'm way older than you, I'm sure) who I had to really yell at to get them to leave me alone. I don't love it, either, but sometimes the only effective option is the nuclear one.

>.< I guess you have a point...its unplesant, and one of my worse social fears is being the source of unplesantness. I think thats why I'm complacent becuase I'd rather have my own feelings hurt rather than the other way around. Only...this has been going on too long, and I can't keep this up. I don't want to make a spectacle of the situation though; college just started and noone knows the situation. Or anything about us. Id rather stick to being invisible instead of people perceiving me as a bitch.

the truth is, I'm afraid of how it will go down, or how I will act. Usually when I do something confrontational, my face will get red, my heart will pound, and my voice will quiver.

Tes yeux noirs is right - no alone time with her.

You're going to have to be direct - clues aren't going to work.

And do as Jespah suggests in terms of letting people on campus know that you're having a problem with the person. You may need professional help in getting this woman to detach from you - that means dorm advisors/faculty advisors etc.

I will contact advisors and such (its a community college, and we don't have dorms, so once I'm done with class she can't track me down, thank goodness.) But I will only contact them if my being direct with her does not work. I at least want to try being straightforward before I involve others and make it a more serious matter.

llisten to jespah


let someone know what's going on

I will do that, regardless if the discussion ends good or bad, but I still want to try telling her before I take it to a counselor.

Speaking of which, I have a question. Would texting it to her be a bad way of telling her since we shouldn't be alone, or a smart idea? She insisted that she give me her number. Its on a peice of paper that I might still have. I just thought of that as a possible idea too.

A bad idea. People get really angry when they get texts like that. Normal people feel slighted when they receive a text breaking off a relationship, and they may not do anything stupid but they will want to give the other party a piece of their mind and call them a coward. That's normal people, not stalky people. Your associate is not normal.

Jespah is full of really good advice, take it.