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How do I tell someone I don't want to be friends with them?

 
 
Reply Tue 25 Aug, 2015 09:06 pm
I'm 19, female, and just started college.

There's this girl that I don't particularly like, and I have no idea how to get rid of her. she's very persistent, and I don't know if not being friends with her will make it difficult to be in class with her.

The girl and I met Freshman year in highschool. She was sort of drawn to me, and for about a few months, we hung out. it wasn't until toward the end of Freshman year that I realized that I don't like her personality; we don't click even though she insists that she gets me, she is rude, aggressive, self-centered, clingy, brash, and I'm always annoyed by her. ALWAYS. Over time I've taken a step forward, and 3 steps back throughout the year, constantly being complacent, and letting her drag me around. one time I was successful in breaking up our relationship when she started making rude comments about my best friend to me.( she insists that SHE is my best friend, despite me never calling,texting, visiting her, or doing any activities with her since the first months of Freshman year.) She felt that she had the right to say whatever she wanted about him because she hates him, and it escalated into an argument. After that I barely spoke to her even though she kept trying to engage me. It worked until the next year and I was back where I started. then she got a job where I worked, so I had to be polite.

she went into the same career classes I did just because I was there, and she started liking them, and me, so much that she's even in my classes for college now. I thought that college would get me away from her, until I realized that she's going where I am. now its day 2, and I can't seem to break away even though I've done nothing to further her interests. I try to be as aloof and distant as possible, but its not working.

over time, I noticed that one reason she is so drawn to me is because she has a crush on me.(she has also told many friends of mine that she likes me.) I try not to encourage her, but my better nature often makes me act TOO nice and lenient without thinking first. I often act nicely just to get through the day with her, and completely forget that I'm prolonging and reinforcing her affection each time I do. Each decision she makes is based on where I am, or what I'm doing. she follows me everywhere, and constantly tries to impress or engage me. and now that she has no friends in college to distract her from me (she doesn't plan on making any since I'm there) I'm more constricted than before. She instists on closing me off from new people (unless of course she brings someone SHE likes, or if I meet someone SHE is interested in meeting) Im a sensitive person, and being with people who I dont feel positive around affects me a lot, yet im too afraid to say anything. my friend told me to just tell her to '**** off' but I can't be like him and say that. I don't want to hurt her feelings, I just want her to go away. I have no idea if I can even do it because she's so instant on following me and what I do....any ideas?
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Type: Question • Score: 9 • Views: 1,677 • Replies: 36

 
View best answer, chosen by frostfire
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jespah
  Selected Answer
 
  6  
Reply Wed 26 Aug, 2015 06:36 am
@frostfire,
Talk to your advisor about this girl following you around because of a crush. Seriously - rejected people can sometimes be problematic, so you want that out there to an impartial third party authority at your school.

Now, as for your 'pal', you need to, in public, tell her that the two of you are not friends. I say public because you want witnesses. You do not want to give her a means of having a private emotional outlet. If she wants to cry or scream about it, then it's in public. Be firm, direct, and clear.

"___(whatever her name is), we are not friends. We never have been. Leave me alone."

Then leave. Period. Do not wait, do not listen, do not offer an apology. Just go.

Now, unless your classes are very small ones (and as a freshman that is less likely, albeit not impossible, particularly if your school is not very big), then the main thing is to sit somewhere away from her and surround yourself with other people. Possibly even go so far as to get in early to grab a seat or late to be forced to grab one elsewhere. If she 'saves' you a seat, don't take it. Just, avoid proximity.

After class, you are busy. Make up something if you must. You work off campus. You are going on a field trip. You have to study at the library and you work best alone. You're going on a date. Whatever. If you don't want to out and out lie (and you don't owe this gal the truth, BTW), then use the studying excuse. After all, you really do have to study at some point.

You are always busy.

Make friends in class who are not her, whoever they are.

Hence a part of you always being busy is that no one on one time with you is possible for her.

If she begins to give you other forms of grief, e. g. visiting your dorm too much, changing seats in class to sit closer to you, accosting you on the sidewalk or the campus bus or whatever, then start with the regular channels. Problems in class? Talk to the professor. Problems at the dorm? Talk to whoever is the head of security there. Problems on the bus or sidewalk? You can escalate it to the campus police.

All the while, as I mentioned first, if you have already talked to your advisor then there is already a record of complaints. And keep a record, too, as detailed as you can make it. I'm not kidding, because if it gets really bad and there is a disciplinary hearing to see if she should be kicked out of the school, that information will be valuable.

And hang in there. I'm sorry this is coloring your experience, and she is a jerk of the highest order and utterly clueless if she thinks this will somehow get you two closer. The whole things sounds a lot like a rejected suitor which is why I am urging caution.

But don't let this run your collegiate life, and don't feel the need to transfer or the like unless it gets really, really bad. Maybe keep your plans to yourself, too, e. g. when it comes time to select your classes for the spring semester of 2016, don't tell anyone which classes you are taking.

If she gets violent, of course, then call 911 and the regular cops, campus cops be damned. In the meantime, I hope she finds other interests and finally gets the message that you are not interested.
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Aug, 2015 10:05 am
"but my better nature often makes me act TOO nice and lenient without thinking first. I often act nicely just to get through the day with her, and completely forget that I'm prolonging and reinforcing her affection each time I do."

So - HOW is she supposed to know she is suffocating you? HOW is she supposed to know that you don't want her around?

You need to announce to her that you are feeling crowded by her and need some space. Tell her you are going to find new friends and she should too. Get away from any common group or common friends. Then tell her you don't want to see or hear from her for at least a week. See if she can do that (and you, too!) This may mean more work for YOU than for HER.

If she is persistent or gets weird, then do the things suggested in the above post. I don't think you have been stern enough to her and YOU have given out mixed messages. Say a what you mean and mean what you say.

In six months you will be writing about a guy who is bothering you. So you better learn how to break these unhealthy or unwanted ties soon.
frostfire
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Aug, 2015 01:06 pm
@PUNKEY,
True, I haven't really been clear with her, and that is entirely my fault. However I'm having trouble trying it again because I don't know exactly WHEN I should do it. That time we argued gave me a perfect moment, but the next year, she all but forgot about it. (Even when I mentioned it to her, she didn't remember it being a bad encounter....and it was pretty bad. There was profanity involved.) I don't know when I'll get that opportunity again and out of the blue seems kinda...out of the blue.
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Aug, 2015 01:17 pm
@frostfire,
This is NOT something you say in the heat of an argument. You need to express it so it sounds like that's going to be good for HER, too.


Calmly tell her that "Oh, by the way. I want to talk about what's going on between us. I feel that I need some space around myself. I'm going to ask you to give me that space so I can explore campus by myself. I'm sure you want to do that, too, by yourself. Let's not see each other for a week and check back with each other. That's something I feel I must do now"

frostfire
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Aug, 2015 01:18 pm
@jespah,
I have been doing some of the things you have said. I have been arriving early/late and sitting away from her, leaving class and going somewhere off or around campus without so much as a goodbye or notification. I've just been disappearing on her, or making fake plans with people she doesnt like. She does not see it as intentional ( I don't know if she genuinely doesn't see it, or prefers not to) but it gets the job done.

My issue is, that she is a persistent person, and eventually she will catch on and confront me about it (she did that at some point when she and I had that argument. I insisted that I just didn't feel like talking, and she somehow interpreted it as 'I'm not mad at you'.) How would I go about preparing for it? I can't do it randomly, like in class, because I couldn't walk away...
0 Replies
 
frostfire
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Aug, 2015 01:22 pm
@PUNKEY,
Thats...not a bad idea. It sounds fair. I don't know about the 'checking back with her' part though. She will most likely take what I say to heart and come FIND me the next week.
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Wed 26 Aug, 2015 01:30 pm
@frostfire,
You don't owe her a check back. You don't owe her an easy letdown.

You might want to check out this person on our site - http://able2know.org/user/equestrianforlife7xo/

That's the other side of things. In that scenario, you're the construction worker.

You don't have to be passive about this.
frostfire
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Aug, 2015 02:00 pm
@jespah,
Wow...that girl...is very very scary...And it does indeed remind me of my situation lol.

But I don't know how to just...be mean. It would feel better if I let her down easy, because I'm not comfortable with being mean about it.
Tes yeux noirs
 
  2  
Reply Wed 26 Aug, 2015 03:47 pm
Jesus!!! Wake up, smell the coffee, and stop being a GODDAM PUSSY! She is crazy, and will interpret anything less than utter, abrupt, brusque no-discussions rejection as a come-on. You should keep a record of this. She could get nasty and turn things around onto YOU. Don't ever be alone with her.


frostfire
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Aug, 2015 04:31 pm
@Tes yeux noirs,
I know im being a pussy! That's the problem DX
And I've been alone with her lots of times. (Mostly its becuase i go off somewhere to be alone, and she follows, so it ends up being the two of us -.-) she feels the need to try and cuddle or lean on me, saying I'm 'comfortable'.

While I agree that she will take things that I say the wrong way, i dont think she's dangerous. Shes creepy, but nothing bad has happened, and I don't think she would do anything to me.
frostfire
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Aug, 2015 05:21 pm
@jespah,
I don't mean to comment twice, but I took more time and read further into that girl's post...I read all 34 pages. I was so engaged by her insanity and obsession that I had to see how it ended. (I'm a little upset that there was no answer.)

Is that...really my situation? Is that really the way the girl who is following me could be thinking about me? O.o I mean, she's a creepy SOB, and doesn't understand social cues AT ALL, just like Equestrian...but still.
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Wed 26 Aug, 2015 05:42 pm
@frostfire,
Well, I'm no doctor, so take this information for what it's worth, but it also seemed to me like there was a misunderstanding/no acknowledgement of/twisting of social cues. That seems to come from Asperger's but like I said, I am not a doctor. I shouldn't be speculating such things about either person.

But this is why I wrote what I did. For most people, the social cues would be obvious or they would be pretty close. And that person would back off, or at least would realize that by dissing your friends, that they weren't endearing themselves to you at all. Most of us understand that one of the ways to the hearts of people we like is to not put them down, not diminish or belittle their likes or their accomplishments. There's a difference between being nervous and awkward versus being that utterly baffled by social cues.

This is also why I'm saying to make a record and to be cautious. I really don't think this girl will understand subtleties. She may not even understand if you are as direct as I said to be, e. g. we aren't friends, we never were, etc. But at least if you make your speech in public, that person will be able to ask others, did she really mean it? And most people will say, yes, she did.

But subtlety and beating around the bush aren't getting you anywhere. I've had guys (way back when; I'm way older than you, I'm sure) who I had to really yell at to get them to leave me alone. I don't love it, either, but sometimes the only effective option is the nuclear one.
frostfire
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Aug, 2015 05:54 pm
@jespah,
>.< I guess you have a point...its unplesant, and one of my worse social fears is being the source of unplesantness. I think thats why I'm complacent becuase I'd rather have my own feelings hurt rather than the other way around. Only...this has been going on too long, and I can't keep this up. I don't want to make a spectacle of the situation though; college just started and noone knows the situation. Or anything about us. Id rather stick to being invisible instead of people perceiving me as a bitch.

the truth is, I'm afraid of how it will go down, or how I will act. Usually when I do something confrontational, my face will get red, my heart will pound, and my voice will quiver.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Wed 26 Aug, 2015 06:01 pm
@frostfire,
Tes yeux noirs is right - no alone time with her.

You're going to have to be direct - clues aren't going to work.

And do as Jespah suggests in terms of letting people on campus know that you're having a problem with the person. You may need professional help in getting this woman to detach from you - that means dorm advisors/faculty advisors etc.
frostfire
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Aug, 2015 06:08 pm
@ehBeth,
I will contact advisors and such (its a community college, and we don't have dorms, so once I'm done with class she can't track me down, thank goodness.) But I will only contact them if my being direct with her does not work. I at least want to try being straightforward before I involve others and make it a more serious matter.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Wed 26 Aug, 2015 08:04 pm
@jespah,
llisten to jespah


let someone know what's going on



jespah wrote:

Talk to your advisor about this girl following you around because of a crush. Seriously - rejected people can sometimes be problematic, so you want that out there to an impartial third party authority at your school.

Now, as for your 'pal', you need to, in public, tell her that the two of you are not friends. I say public because you want witnesses. You do not want to give her a means of having a private emotional outlet. If she wants to cry or scream about it, then it's in public. Be firm, direct, and clear.

"___(whatever her name is), we are not friends. We never have been. Leave me alone."

Then leave. Period. Do not wait, do not listen, do not offer an apology. Just go.
frostfire
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Aug, 2015 08:13 pm
@ehBeth,
I will do that, regardless if the discussion ends good or bad, but I still want to try telling her before I take it to a counselor.

Speaking of which, I have a question. Would texting it to her be a bad way of telling her since we shouldn't be alone, or a smart idea? She insisted that she give me her number. Its on a peice of paper that I might still have. I just thought of that as a possible idea too.
izzythepush
 
  3  
Reply Thu 27 Aug, 2015 04:14 am
@frostfire,
frostfire wrote:
Speaking of which, I have a question. Would texting it to her be a bad way of telling her since we shouldn't be alone, or a smart idea?


A bad idea. People get really angry when they get texts like that. Normal people feel slighted when they receive a text breaking off a relationship, and they may not do anything stupid but they will want to give the other party a piece of their mind and call them a coward. That's normal people, not stalky people. Your associate is not normal.

Jespah is full of really good advice, take it.
 

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