How do I tell someone I don't want to be friends with them?

@izzythepush,

... alright. >.<

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@jespah,

I took J's advice.

jespah wrote:

Be firm, direct, and clear.

"___(whatever her name is), we are not friends. We never have been. Leave me alone."

I hadn't prepared for her response. "Why did you marry me then?"

Some people - sheesh!

1 Reply

@lmur,

Oops, sorry!

/calls Mrs. lmur Wink

/

Seriously, @frostfire, I think we as women get a lot of messages, subtle and not so subtle, that we're supposed to be kind, understanding, demure, etc. But this is not the time to be most of those things.

I know you don't want to get red in the face, etc., I do get that. But if you do this - and the truth is, you have nearly nothing to lose socially - it will give you confidence to handle other confrontations in life.

No texting. No private chats. No alone time.

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@frostfire,

For your own protection you need to let someone in authority know what's going on.

and

no, do not text or contact her in some other way.

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@frostfire,

frostfire wrote:

But I don't know how to just...be mean. It would feel better if I let her down easy, because I'm not comfortable with being mean about it.

You're not being mean.

You're being upfront and putting your needs and desires first.

Whenever you do that, someone is going to be upset that you put you first, and said/did something to indicate that.

Aren't you worth enough to put yourself first? To know that what you want is important?

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@chai2,

On a practical side, sometimes when I have to be in a situation I know I really won't enjoy, I think to myself something like "In 24 hours this will be finished/over.

In my case, the actual situation might only take 10 minutes, an hour, and is happening in a day or two.

It immediately, for me, puts it all in perspective.

It's taught me not to look at the situation as more important than it is in the big picture, which is enjoying my life.

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I know I'm going off topic, but I think this is a great humorous video about putting things in pespective when you fear something.

The whole video is worth a watch, but from 2:00 onwards Kiki is about to solve 2 very big problems, one she's been fearing for a long time.

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@chai2,

Yes, I am, but sometimes I get that confused. I don't mean to sound...ah, whats the word...false?plastic? Cliché?
but I really care about peoples feelings; it usually means doing the right thing. I feel that I have to set mine aside. I'm too ready to compromise, because its USUALLY the right thing to do. We are taught to 'compromise' and 'empathy' but I guess it doesn't apply to everything, especially this situation.

*sigh*...but, I understand what I need to do.
But doing what's right and doing what's nice; there's a thin line between it.

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@frostfire,

Quote:

But doing what's right and doing what's nice; there's a thin line between it.

Not always; in this case the line is a mile wide.

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@frostfire,

Look at the flipside of this.

The other person involved in this is not being nice, is not being considerate of your feelings, is not being empathetic. Encouraging them in their behaviour is not a good thing.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

You have a point. However, does that mean I have to tell her WHY I don't want to be friends anymore?

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Frost - you REALLY need to pay attention!!

This girl is exhibiting darn-near psychotic behavior. She is stalking you and trying to take over your life. She has honed in on your passive temperament and sees you as a willing victim. Your inability - or hesitancy - to put her in her place and express your space away from her is JUST what she wants. You lack conviction to make yourself clear because you are afraid of hurting her feelings. She counts on this! She's having lots of fun pulling your strings. But you invite her to do just that.

You need to learn to stand up for yourself. You need to be more assertive. You need to get away from her.

I worry about you on campus. You will attract strong, assertive damaged men (abusers) because you give off the message that you can be led around and manipulated.

Seek campus counseling ASAP to help guide you thru this entire project.

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@frostfire,

Are you friends? That's certainly not the message you've given in your posts.

I wouldn't use friend/friendship language when you tell her that you don't want to spend time with her.

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@jespah,

again

read what jespah said (go back and read her whole post)

jespah wrote:

Talk to your advisor about this girl following you around because of a crush. Seriously - rejected people can sometimes be problematic, so you want that out there to an impartial third party authority at your school.

Now, as for your 'pal', you need to, in public, tell her that the two of you are not friends. I say public because you want witnesses. You do not want to give her a means of having a private emotional outlet. If she wants to cry or scream about it, then it's in public. Be firm, direct, and clear.

"___(whatever her name is), we are not friends. We never have been. Leave me alone."

Then leave. Period. Do not wait, do not listen, do not offer an apology. Just go.

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@frostfire,

Quote:

You have a point. However, does that mean I have to tell her WHY I don't want to be friends anymore?

If I read this correctly, now you are just dithering, because you are afraid to do anything. You have asked for advice. You have been given it, and overwhelmingly it says "tell this girl clearly and firmly to leave you alone". You are free to take this advice, or ignore it, but if you just keep on picking over the answers to avoid doing anything, you will only irritate people, and maybe even make them start to think that you have a problem too.

1 Reply

@Tes yeux noirs,

...OK. Ill select an answer and be done with it then.
I really do appreciate the advice though. Thank you.

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@frostfire,

Thank you for your sharing

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How do I tell someone I don't want to be friends with them?

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