2nd affair

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I am a 35 year old woman. I have been with my husband since we were in our late teens/ early twenties. We are very close and I have no doubt he loves me. I love him and feel we are suited to each other. He is intelligent, funny, good in bed and we enjoy each other's company.

Five years ago I had an affair with a guy I used to be online friends with a long time ago. He was just out of an unhappy relationship. We had a great physical relationship (albeit online) but because I was married, he kept an emotional distance. This affected me a lot and we talked about this almost constantly, till he walked away, but then re-initiated contact a few months later. I had learnt some emotional distance at this point. We are now more friends than lovers, he says my coming into his life after his break-up was timely and I 'saved' him. The strange thing is that at the start of the relationship this is precisely what I had anticipated and wanted. I felt like he needed me and I had this need to give at every level. We are now really good friends. He sees other women and I am happy with this.

However, a year ago I had this guy from work that I gave my number to regarding a work related issue. He began to text me. Even though I told him I was married. When I asked him what he had in mind he said 'he did not plan everything about his life'. He asked me to come over to his place saying 'we did not have to do anything..he just wanted to hold me'. He was clear about the fact that he had a girlfriend, though he did not seem altogether happy in the relationship.

We ended up sleeping together on two occasions (the 'holding' plan never worked out) more than a year ago. Our beginning time was intense, though he would sometimes not text for a week but when we met he was physically very passionate. We used to work in the same place..if we met in the corridor and he did not say hello and I texted him and asked why he's say 'my mind stopped when I saw you'. But most of the time he was emotionally distant not maintaining much contact and reluctant when I texted. If I asked him why he said 'this was not a relationship' and there was 'no point'. I asked him to maintain contact just even at friends/ platonic/ human level, but he was pretty consistent about shunning me ill it was all over a about a month into the start of our physical relationship.

I kept e-mailing him once every few weeks and he got back in touch after a few months saying 'it felt strange to not say anything'. We flirted on and off by text, he wanted me to spend the night (about a week before he moved to another city). As soon as he moved he closed things off again..saying there was 'no point' and he 'just wanted to finish his time here and leave, did not want to get attached' (he is from another country and eventually plans to leave maybe a year or two from now). I have no idea what was in his heart or whether this was all a one night stand situation to him. I felt we could have been as emotionally close as I had been with the previous guy. I don't really want a relationship, more that he should place some value on what we had as I did. I texted him a lot, he blocked me everywhere. I think he may actually be worried and scared regarding the intensity of my feeling and the possible outcome and i cannot afford to stay in touch any more. I am really confused and hurt..and the crux of it is I miss him a lot. I just wish I knew what went on with him.

I know for SURE that I will NEVER wander into another extra-marital situation again. I just want to get over this so I can concentrate on my marraige and life. Too much time wasted. And no..thankfully we don't have kids. But I can't seem to find my way through this..

I'd really appreciate any thoughts. I wonder if I am ill somehow?

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@Stuck2,

I'm so sorry and I totally feel you're pain. I'm trying to end an affair I started myself and as much as I want to and need to a big part of me is feeling tortured in doing so. My issue is an abusive marriage. You should feel lucky and blessed to have a peaceful Union so many are not that lucky. I think you might be bored? Boredom can easily be a big factor in seeking an affair. Let's face it's it's exciting to a degree. I'll admit that. But, it's not healthy for you and all involved here. I wish I could tell you how to end it? In my case I want to end it in person but I think now a long email might be best for me. I feel for you. I really relate.

1 Reply

Two affairs with men when you are married to a man that you say you "are very close and I have no doubt he loves me. I love him and feel we are suited to each other. He is intelligent, funny, good in bed and we enjoy each other's company."?

I don't get it.

Why the need to feel "close" to other men when you've got such a "jewel" of a husband?

2 Replies

@Stuck2,

Stuck2 wrote:

I texted him a lot, he blocked me everywhere. I think he may actually be worried and scared

leave the poor guy alone

sounds like he's afraid of how obsessed you seem to be

Quote:

we met in the corridor and he did not say hello

he was emotionally distant not maintaining much contact and reluctant when I texted.

If I asked him why he said 'this was not a relationship' and there was 'no point'.

he was pretty consistent about shunning me

he closed things off again.

.saying there was 'no point'

did not want to get attached'

the guy is trying to escape from you. leave him alone.

___

you may want to talk to a professional about this

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

Ditto that. Ditto EhBeth's comments, as well.

0 Replies

@Stuck2,

For why you feel drawn to him, I would suggest you read 'The Art of Seduction' by (I think) Robert Greene. While it gets panned on Amazon for the tone of the writing, it is a very articulate catalogue of human weakness in the realm of seduction.

Basically it gives examples of numerous famous people who became obsessed / couldn't leave / always came back to a lover who treated them like crap, and their their personality traits that lead to this.

Ie. you aren't the first, and you won't be the last who feels drawn to a person who was just using them.

It is much more than likely that there's nothing there other than your desire for validation (or similar) from a person who has never given it to you...other than what lies you believed when he wanted to get you into bed.

1 Reply

@Kyleah,

Thanks all for taking the time to reply.
Kyleah, I am very sorry to hear about your situation. It seems difficult that the choice is between an abusive marriage and an affair. Is the guy you are with married too? I think you are right in that the excitement is definitely a factor, but it does turn into exhaustion over time. It serves just as a band aid solution in the short term creating more problems in the long term.

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

You are dead right. How did I get into such a mess in the first place when my hubby is a good guy..well, it was the work of a moment. I e-mailed an old friend out of a boredom/ feeling sorry for myself impulse. We talked, one thing led to another. And I am not sure whether its just me but once I have been with some one in a physical way..even for a short while, my world rapidly shrinks till there is one tiny focus of attention and colour in my life (which is the person I am with). I do think this is a real and possibly female predicament (a lot of feminists might disagree) but I think it makes scientific/ evolutionary sense. Since women can only have a limited number of offspring in their life (unlike men who can populate a city in the matter of a month) they are much more choosy about mate selection..but once the process happens it has importance and meaning. Once I had crossed that line with a guy I felt deprived of control and my emotions were not my own. You may think its laughable but to me its amazing how true and illogical and crippling it all is.
My husband is not a 'jewel' btw. He has his own set of weaknesses that affect both our lives..but his attitude towards me is something to be thankful for.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

He is afraid of me and I think to an extent he is right to be. There is a lot of emotion regarding him and a lot of is it is not in my control. Having said that I am not sure he is entitled to all the sympathy here. He was quite active in his pursuit despite all the brakes I tried to put on. He quite insisted on how right it felt and was. And afterwards was just a quick to switch off. But had he had some sensitivity and intelligence, rather than defensiveness, coldness and lack of interest..things would not have to where they are. I just wanted to communicate and be heard. It was actually the mysterious lack of any real way of getting through to him in any way whatsoever that kicked off my obsession, not as much the feelings I had for him..which are friendship and curiosity at the max. I think that's why I subsconsciously ended up upping the ante in my texts, not in a rude way but just to get him to communicate. Obv he just froze me out and ran.
Vikorr

1 Reply

@Stuck2,

I think the why is THE main issue. Its the unfairness of it all that strikes me. He reached out to me first. Quite insistently infact. He did not spin it to be a merely physical thing either. It just seems so unfair that because I convinced myself somehow that he was stuck or alone and needed company/ care, whateve, and allowed him into my life the tables turned on us. In a sense I feel betrayed by my own biology, as I sort of explained to Punkey. You might laugh at that explanation but to me it bears out in every aspect of man/woman relationships I see around me. With men the problem is always STARTING something, with women holding on.
Also I am not surprised that people who get entangled with people who treat them badly find it hard to get out. It reminds me of this experiment they did on mice, which i think is a good model for explaining what happens in these scenarios. There were three sets of cages with mice. Each cage had a trapdoor. First set got fed after they tapped the door once, the second after they tapped the door twice, the third at completely random intervals.
Anyways..one day the mice stopped being fed through the trapdoor. The first set gave up the quickest, the second a little later, the third NEVER. And that's what happened with me..he was capable of saying things like 'I got sick of your stupid texts ok, never text me again'..and a few days later it was like his life was better one way or the other for me being in it, and he was liek teh shining sun. I kept trying to fit his pattern into a predictable behavior, it ever worked. Now that it took him absolute seconds to block me from his chat app, I feel like the trap door is shut, which is a relief to know. But because of my previous experience I feel like you never know. who knows..one day the door might open up again right?

2 Replies

@Stuck2,

Stuck2 wrote:

I am a 35 year old woman. I have been with my husband since we were in our late teens/ early twenties. We are very close and I have no doubt he loves me. I love him and feel we are suited to each other. He is intelligent, funny, good in bed and we enjoy each other's company.

Then why are you seeking satisfaction elsewhere? Even if it falls into your lap, etc. Something doesn't wash here.

Stuck2 wrote:

Five years ago I had an affair with a guy I used to be online friends with a long time ago. He was just out of an unhappy relationship. We had a great physical relationship (albeit online) but because I was married, he kept an emotional distance. This affected me a lot and we talked about this almost constantly, till he walked away, but then re-initiated contact a few months later. I had learnt some emotional distance at this point. We are now more friends than lovers, he says my coming into his life after his break-up was timely and I 'saved' him. The strange thing is that at the start of the relationship this is precisely what I had anticipated and wanted. I felt like he needed me and I had this need to give at every level. We are now really good friends. He sees other women and I am happy with this.

You should make a full break from this guy, even though he is technically out of the picture. You are giving time, energy, affection, and warm feelings to him and they are being drained out of you. Cut this guy loose and quit hanging on. This is not a friend; this is a port in the storm that is keeping you from devoting yourself to your marriage.

Stuck2 wrote:

However, a year ago I had this guy from work that I gave my number to regarding a work related issue. He began to text me. Even though I told him I was married. When I asked him what he had in mind he said 'he did not plan everything about his life'. He asked me to come over to his place saying 'we did not have to do anything..he just wanted to hold me'. He was clear about the fact that he had a girlfriend, though he did not seem altogether happy in the relationship.

The texting is when you should have stopped that crap dead in its tracks. If you give out your number for work then you have to set the expectation that the use of it is solely for work. I am not saying you cannot make friends but we both know that's not what this was. That was where you needed to tell him to leave you alone, and tell your husband that a guy at work was bothering you. Yes, really.

Stuck2 wrote:

We ended up sleeping together on two occasions (the 'holding' plan never worked out) more than a year ago. Our beginning time was intense, though he would sometimes not text for a week but when we met he was physically very passionate. We used to work in the same place..if we met in the corridor and he did not say hello and I texted him and asked why he's say 'my mind stopped when I saw you'. But most of the time he was emotionally distant not maintaining much contact and reluctant when I texted. If I asked him why he said 'this was not a relationship' and there was 'no point'. I asked him to maintain contact just even at friends/ platonic/ human level, but he was pretty consistent about shunning me ill it was all over a about a month into the start of our physical relationship.

The 'holding' plan NEVER works out. It's just code for, I want to **** you. Yeah, really. Don't dress it up, and he certainly did, too, but the reality is that he wanted to get into your pants. He never wanted a relationship; he just wanted a quick screw. You provided it, and then there were consequences for him because you and he still worked together.

Stuck2 wrote:

I kept e-mailing him once every few weeks and he got back in touch after a few months saying 'it felt strange to not say anything'. We flirted on and off by text, he wanted me to spend the night (about a week before he moved to another city). As soon as he moved he closed things off again..saying there was 'no point' and he 'just wanted to finish his time here and leave, did not want to get attached' (he is from another country and eventually plans to leave maybe a year or two from now). I have no idea what was in his heart or whether this was all a one night stand situation to him. I felt we could have been as emotionally close as I had been with the previous guy. I don't really want a relationship, more that he should place some value on what we had as I did. I texted him a lot, he blocked me everywhere. I think he may actually be worried and scared regarding the intensity of my feeling and the possible outcome and i cannot afford to stay in touch any more. I am really confused and hurt..and the crux of it is I miss him a lot. I just wish I knew what went on with him.

Again, another quick screw and then he was gone. Really, you need to pull back and look at this from a bird's eye view. He got what he wanted and then he blocked you. Stop missing him; stop thinking about him; stop giving him rent-free space in your head. Go to counseling if you need to sort this out.

Stuck2 wrote:

I know for SURE that I will NEVER wander into another extra-marital situation again. I just want to get over this so I can concentrate on my marraige and life. Too much time wasted. And no..thankfully we don't have kids. But I can't seem to find my way through this..

I'd really appreciate any thoughts. I wonder if I am ill somehow?

Actually, you don't know this for sure, as you seem to have a habit of falling into these things without seeing the warning signs.

Get thee to counseling! That doesn't mean illness. But you need to talk to an objective observer about why this allegedly oh so wonderful marriage you are in is not enough for you. You need to get some tools to deal with when someone comes on strong to you and God knows you need to learn how to tell guys on the prowl to **** off.

1 Reply

@vikorr,

0 Replies

@Stuck2,

Stuck2 wrote:

I do think this is a real and possibly female predicament (a lot of feminists might disagree)

you are trying to make an excuse for your behaviour

it doesn't wash

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@Stuck2,

Stuck2 wrote:

You might laugh at that explanation but to me it bears out in every aspect of man/woman relationships I see around me. With men the problem is always STARTING something, with women holding on.

I'm definitely not laughing at the excuses you are trying to make for this.

I feel sorry for your husband as well as the man you continue to obsess over.

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@Stuck2,

Stuck2 wrote:

He reached out to me first.

your original post says that you gave him your contact info.

that is you starting the process.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

I agree with you that what I did was very irresponsible and beyond excuse. I don't think trying to understand why something happened and why you reacted to it the way you did is necessarily the same as making excuses.
My feelings regarding this guy are far in excess of any value our interaction ever had..to use your own words..obsessive and pathological.
IF I could assign some sort of logic to what seems to me a pathological reaction/ behaviour, maybe I can find my way out of it.
As for giving him my number..fair point. It was in a stressful work related situation and I would give my number out just for reasons of practicality in a situation like that. I never recognized him (we worked in a big institution) though at that point we had been taking the same bus to work and must have encountered each other several times. I had no recollection of him, though.

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@jespah,

Jespah,
Thank you for your practical reply. It did help me sort some things out including some discrepancies in his behavior that though not of any practical relevance I needed to understand..just to get my head around the situation.
My husband is a great guy who is worthy of something better. He has suffered from depression/ anxiety. How much of that is the cause/ effect of my five year long affair with the first guy is hard to say.
It also started with a random boredom driven chat initiated by me at a time when my husband was away. As a person this guy was some one you had to take seriously and my feelings for him developed quickly and were deep and strong. He was in a bad place in his life, and I felt healthy and strong and able to take care of us both. In fact I sort of insisted on it though initially he wanted to keep his distance. I was posted at work away from my husband on and off for a year and a half and during that time my full attention was on this other guy. My work suffered as did my marriage.
It also went a way towards normalizing what were pretty inappropriate texts/ attention from this second guy at work..because at this stage some things were normal too me that would not previously be.
Thanks again for your ear and advice.

1 Reply

@Stuck2,

Better to leave him if he wasn't interested on you.that's why he was avoiding you by blocking things.

0 Replies

@Stuck2,

Quote:

I think the why is THE main issue. Its the unfairness of it all that strikes me. He reached out to me first. Quite insistently infact. He did not spin it to be a merely physical thing either.

What is so difficult to understand about him lying to you in order to get into your pants? Then losing interest afterwards? And then going 'oh maybe another time is okay, because I'm horny'? Then losing interest again.

His behaviour is not about you. It's about him.

Quote:

IF I could assign some sort of logic to what seems to me a pathological reaction/ behaviour, maybe I can find my way out of it.

See above.

Quote:

But because of my previous experience I feel like you never know. who knows..one day the door might open up again right?

You can know who a person is - though it means waiting to see if a persons words and actions match up. It means waiting until you see character traits in them that you admire (over and above those you lust after).

If you can't see whether or not a persons actions & words are consistent, and whether or not they have traits you admire - it will only be because you don't want to look, or don't want to wait to see.

The main question is - do you know what character traits you like in a man, and what character traits you need in a man in order to be happy? (because if you don't know the answer to these, you run a huge risk of continually making bad choices in men)

2 Replies

@Stuck2,

I think you are emotionally not satisfied in your marriage, that you are needy and sometimes scary, and that you will almost certainly cheat again. You need to wise up. GO have your fun if you want but keep yourself with-in limits. If a guy blows you off then get a different guy, a better guy, in this case a guy who is actually around. Flirt and all that, but never forget that these are flings for you. Dont let the guys forget it either.

0 Replies

2nd affair

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