I am a 35 year old woman. I have been with my husband since we were in our late teens/ early twenties. We are very close and I have no doubt he loves me. I love him and feel we are suited to each other. He is intelligent, funny, good in bed and we enjoy each other's company.
Then why are you seeking satisfaction elsewhere? Even if it falls into your lap, etc. Something doesn't wash here.
Five years ago I had an affair with a guy I used to be online friends with a long time ago. He was just out of an unhappy relationship. We had a great physical relationship (albeit online) but because I was married, he kept an emotional distance. This affected me a lot and we talked about this almost constantly, till he walked away, but then re-initiated contact a few months later. I had learnt some emotional distance at this point. We are now more friends than lovers, he says my coming into his life after his break-up was timely and I 'saved' him. The strange thing is that at the start of the relationship this is precisely what I had anticipated and wanted. I felt like he needed me and I had this need to give at every level. We are now really good friends. He sees other women and I am happy with this.
You should make a full break from this guy, even though he is technically out of the picture. You are giving time, energy, affection, and warm feelings to him and they are being drained out of you. Cut this guy loose and quit hanging on. This is not a friend; this is a port in the storm that is keeping you from devoting yourself to your marriage.
However, a year ago I had this guy from work that I gave my number to regarding a work related issue. He began to text me. Even though I told him I was married. When I asked him what he had in mind he said 'he did not plan everything about his life'. He asked me to come over to his place saying 'we did not have to do anything..he just wanted to hold me'. He was clear about the fact that he had a girlfriend, though he did not seem altogether happy in the relationship.
The texting is when you should have stopped that crap dead in its tracks. If you give out your number for work then you have to set the expectation that the use of it is solely for work. I am not saying you cannot make friends but we both know that's not what this was. That was where you needed to tell him to leave you alone, and tell your husband that a guy at work was bothering you. Yes, really.
We ended up sleeping together on two occasions (the 'holding' plan never worked out) more than a year ago. Our beginning time was intense, though he would sometimes not text for a week but when we met he was physically very passionate. We used to work in the same place..if we met in the corridor and he did not say hello and I texted him and asked why he's say 'my mind stopped when I saw you'. But most of the time he was emotionally distant not maintaining much contact and reluctant when I texted. If I asked him why he said 'this was not a relationship' and there was 'no point'. I asked him to maintain contact just even at friends/ platonic/ human level, but he was pretty consistent about shunning me ill it was all over a about a month into the start of our physical relationship.
The 'holding' plan NEVER
works out. It's just code for, I want to **** you
. Yeah, really. Don't dress it up, and he certainly did, too, but the reality is that he wanted to get into your pants. He never wanted a relationship; he just wanted a quick screw. You provided it, and then there were consequences for him because you and he still worked together.
I kept e-mailing him once every few weeks and he got back in touch after a few months saying 'it felt strange to not say anything'. We flirted on and off by text, he wanted me to spend the night (about a week before he moved to another city). As soon as he moved he closed things off again..saying there was 'no point' and he 'just wanted to finish his time here and leave, did not want to get attached' (he is from another country and eventually plans to leave maybe a year or two from now). I have no idea what was in his heart or whether this was all a one night stand situation to him. I felt we could have been as emotionally close as I had been with the previous guy. I don't really want a relationship, more that he should place some value on what we had as I did. I texted him a lot, he blocked me everywhere. I think he may actually be worried and scared regarding the intensity of my feeling and the possible outcome and i cannot afford to stay in touch any more. I am really confused and hurt..and the crux of it is I miss him a lot. I just wish I knew what went on with him.
Again, another quick screw and then he was gone. Really, you need to pull back and look at this from a bird's eye view. He got what he wanted and then he blocked you. Stop missing him; stop thinking about him; stop giving him rent-free space in your head. Go to counseling if you need to sort this out.
I know for SURE that I will NEVER wander into another extra-marital situation again. I just want to get over this so I can concentrate on my marraige and life. Too much time wasted. And no..thankfully we don't have kids. But I can't seem to find my way through this..
I'd really appreciate any thoughts. I wonder if I am ill somehow?
Actually, you don't know this for sure, as you seem to have a habit of falling into these things without seeing the warning signs.
Get thee to counseling! That doesn't mean illness. But you need to talk to an objective observer about why this allegedly oh so wonderful marriage you are in is not enough for you. You need to get some tools to deal with when someone comes on strong to you and God knows you need to learn how to tell guys on the prowl to **** off.