8
   

2nd affair

 
 
hawkeye10
 
  -2  
Reply Wed 19 Aug, 2015 03:36 am
@vikorr,
Quote:
The main question is - do you know what character traits you like in a man, and what character traits you need in a man in order to be happy? (because if you don't know the answer to these, you run a huge risk of continually making bad choices in men)
Ya, I am not one of these moderns who has the naive almost impossible idea to bring to reality of the spouse being best friend and best everything, HOWEVER, I have to seriously question if the mister wonderful husband in this case is the right husband.

Which I am guessing is where you were wanting to go too.
0 Replies
 
HesDeltanCaptain
 
  0  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 07:38 am
@Stuck2,
People who can love another so much they get married are probably more likely to develop such feelings for others. I would say then it's completely normal, if not completely accepted by most of society. But mongamy isn't natural or normal and is an artificial construct of religion (a religion by the way not all that crazy about sexual intimacy under even marital conditions.)

As societies and individuals continue to evolve and mature I hope religious ideals fall by the wayside and get replaced with more humanistic ideals such as being free to love and be loved by more than just one other person. If love is the best thing ever, limiting it to just one person is only selfish. Doesn't suggest love is good if loving as many as possible isn't also good. Just suggests love is highly conditional.

People we live and love with aren't usually stupid. If people are having affairs it's probably not going unnoticed. But if it's going unremarked, then that's the way your spouse wants it. Left a suspicion it's often easier to cope with then having it out in the open and confirmed.
0 Replies
 
Stuck2
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 04:42 pm
@vikorr,
I am not so sure that he did 'lie to get into my pants' per se. I think it all comes down to gender differences in relation to sex. Men move on after sleeping with some one quicker. Their chances of propagating their genes are if they have lots of offspring because their investment per each offspring is low (half an hour if you are lucky). With women the price of having a child is high, so important that they select the best possible mate and then keep him invested in the somehow (and generally that means investing in the man emotionally themselves).
This gives rise to differences in man/ woman behavior after sex which leads to the myth that most women and many men believe, that 'men lie to get into your pants'. They don't. They care at the time, then their biological imperative drives them further afield..while you remain stuck in with a very primitive yearning. Biology is evil.
hawkeye10
 
  -1  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 05:17 pm
@Stuck2,
Quote:
With women the price of having a child is high, so important that they select the best possible mate and then keep him invested in the somehow (and generally that means investing in the man emotionally themselves).


So we have been told for decades, but recent research calls that theory into great doubt. When women are not confined by social norms they tend to **** a lot of guys, and there is no statistical difference between the male and female appetite for multiple partners.
glitterbag
 
  3  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 05:27 pm
@Stuck2,
You got played, and you know it. You're ego is tripping you up. You're not the first married women to be propositioned, you need to learn how to back away.
0 Replies
 
Kyleah
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Aug, 2015 06:09 pm
@Stuck2,
Yes a Band aid for sure But the boo boo gets worse the deeper one gets involved this I realize. I'd been in anguish since I had not heard from him in almost 2 weeks. Was convinced that was it and although wanting to end it, I could not bear for it to end with no explanation as it cut so freaking deep. Then today I got a message back saying I'm so sorry my love. I've been doing doubles and I've been crazy.. Everything is ok here, how are you? Well I'm l thinking like ok thank god the wife did not find out and thank go it's not me. That made me feel better.. But also got me thinking about him again. ****.
0 Replies
 
Stuck2
 
  1  
Reply Sat 22 Aug, 2015 07:40 am
@hawkeye10,
Equal number of partners does not mean equal levels of emotional investment before and after sex.
How many post do you see on this forum from men saying that a woman stopped texting/ grew distant after sex. Compare those to the number of posts you see from women.
I'll narrate briefly my experience after I slept with the guy who initiated stuff. After we slept together it was as if a rough snapshot of him had been imprinted on my mind..if I saw some one who had a similar body type I had a heightened awareness of them and def the adrenaline levels went up. I was invested in a physical/ hormonal way. A reaction that is primitive and has nothing to do with cerebral. The sort of physical reaction he probably experienced during the pursuing phase, but that wore off shortly after.

I used to get texts etc from him or talk to him. My conscious mind often thought of these communications as being lacking in color, imagination, flair. I compared those to what fun colleague of mine at work might send..or my husband for that matter. I was well aware that for me at our conscious interaction was at best pretty average, and I wondered whether I could not get as excited about intelligent, fun communications from other people. But communications from him again evoked a physical reaction.

In this way he stayed embedded in my mind, whether he was there or not. If he wasn't some one roughly like him sufficed to keep the snapshot alive.

This is primitive biology. It affects our behavior..that's why so many of us are at war with ourselves..women more so. Our emotions telling us that some one is essential for our existence while our head tells us we don't like them that much. This is because millions of years ago these guys genes would be in our kids...and we could have much fewer kids than men. So it was important that they stay invested in us and we them.

Many people might disagree but I think the biological differences between sexes are obvious and bear out in day to day reality.
0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Sat 22 Aug, 2015 06:33 pm
@Stuck2,
Quote:
This gives rise to differences in man/ woman behavior after sex which leads to the myth that most women and many men believe, that 'men lie to get into your pants'. They don't.

You say it's a myth that men lie to get into womens pants...while over the decades I've talked to many who do lie to do so, and quite happily boast about it. Almost any guy here will tell you the same, or if they're honest, that they have too (if they have slept around).

Of course there are little lies, up to sociopathic lies. The guys who are in the range of, callous liars, in order to get sex...display many traits similar to the guy you describe.
0 Replies
 
Youthinkimdumb
 
  0  
Reply Mon 9 Nov, 2015 09:22 pm
@Stuck2,
I am struck by your saying that you KNOW you would NEVER be in an extramarital affair again. But this is your second? But anyway, i once cheated on a boyfriend. I later married but after i confessed my bad behavior. (not sex, but still cheating) I could never know without a shadow of doubt that i would NEVER AGAIN CHEAT. all i could do was try to figure out where my boundaries made it possible for an affair to occur.

Since i have been married there have been only a hand full of times where someone literally threw themselves at me. But my Love and respect for my husband were too strong for me to succumb to the ego stroking and the excitement of an affair.

I have since caught my husband having affairs on me now 9 years into our marriage. We are trying to work on things, but one thing i cannot allow him to do is say he knows he would NEVER cheat on me again...cause truth is you don't know. You can't know. But what you can know is where your weaknesses are, where your boundaries are non existent. Where you feel your needs above all others. Once you know your boundaries, its harder to fall into the strong current of the affair.

Good luck to you and your future. I wish you well. Just learn to be honest and above all realistic.
0 Replies
 
 

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