No Sex - Legitimate reason for divorce?

Re: No Sex - Legitimate reason for divorce?


If your wife won't put out, make her get out!

*Bookmark*

I have rather different thoughts about this issue, which I will write up later.

Sounds like your wife feels ashamed for doing the dirty deed. And in fact that is exactly how she would describe it. Women will only feel this way for one reason!!! They are not in love with themselves. I am sure at times, when you did in the testorone tango, that she may have felt that GOD was watching!!!
S
Sounds like she needs the counseling not you. Stop the counseling immediately!! She needs help. She needs to feel like you are in love again. And needs to understand the difference between screwing and making love. I would not reccomend a divorce. Your vows were for better or for worse. Hang in there and take things one step at a time. Look around the house or theyard and see if there is any handy work that needs to be done or in most cases, completed. Offer to go out to eat instead of having to cook dinner. Let her go out with the girls once a month. If you are thinking of the big D because of the lack of the big P then perhaps you have a problem and she is tired of feeling pressured into things even when not in the mood. Even more so, her having to fake that she is enjoying it has made her numb to sex. Sex is healthy!! It's like chocolate, but women only want it when they are in the mood. If they are not in the mood for it then it is simply because of guilt!!!!!!!
Good Luck, don't divorce!!

The fact that she has asked you not to talk about it is NOT a good reason to not bring up the subject. That is very childish of her. It's escapism. It is her problem, and she's pretending it's yours, and she doesn't want to help you with it. Obviously she shouldn't be forced into anything, but she definitely should talk about it, and accept it is her problem. I realize saying that is not a solution, or even advice, really, but (and no offence, I hope) I find her actions intolerably immature. I have a biased and inconsiderate opinion though...

Ok, I have to start off by saying that I am not christian so forgive me if what I say may / may not apply but I have been reading this post for a while... I gotta say my two cents! hehehehe. I always do. ;-)
The one thing I dont like about christianity is that you are told that what you are MADE to do is wrong. We as humans are MADE to have sex, we are MADE to procreate and then .. right after you are told it is wrong, you are told it is right? Confusing? Yeah, on anyones psychological health.
Though it may be hard, maybe ... and i am not sure how to explain my point here.. my verbage is going to be simple and silly but....
If there is a way to 'remove' sexual problems and the image of sex from your personal religious beliefs that MAY help?? Maybe, since in your religion sex is great / acceptable / expected etc.. AFTER marriage then focus on that. Try helping her to see that she is IN the RIGHT and not other wise. There is nothing dirty about sex... except the bed after words.. heheh. It isnt a 'dirty deed' and it isnt wrong to want sex. Our bodies are programed for it. It is ok for you to find a sexual outlet. Dont feel asham ed about that. If you were hungry you would eat right? ( no , eating and porn have nothing in common but i am just trying to make a point )
Depriving yourself of the physical needs of your body is anything but ok. Treat your body as a 'temple' give it what it needs and help her to understand that it is a physical desire that is OK and not wrong.

.... I hope I made my point ? With out sounding too silly?? Heheh. ;-)

oops.... i forgot my other 2 cents.

One thing I learned in my relationship is that
good sex is 1% of a relationship.
Bad sex is 99%.
thinking of sex as wrong and refraining from it consumes your entire relationship and then your relationship becomes ALL about sex simply because the tension from not having it and tension from her thinking it is wrong build up over time until that is all either of you can focus on. Popping that 'balloon' of tension now will keep it from dominating your life later.

this is a tough one and I feel for you.
SteveH

wow 44 no sex. Now I am kinda concerned about you not respecting your wife, you did admit that. And she probly doesn't trust you I don't see you never (and y are you calling it sex)( it's your wife do you love her? it should be an expression of love not a way to release, it should be love making) having a chance if you change and really have a different and more respectful realationship toward you wife. Make it work Steve marriage is give and take time to give bro and mean it you have to really want to give and not expect anything in return.


peace

I'm in a similar spot that SteveH is in.

My wife was "odd" about sex from the beginning. She feels she's "being bad" when she's having sex. After years of trying to get to the bottom of it, I found out she'd been molested as a child. I thought BINGO now we have something to work on.

But she never really worked on it. It's too painful a subject so it remains 'swept under the carpet' and left to fester.

I can't easily move on. We have a child with 'special needs' right now that needs us both there. And financially it's nearly impossible to divorce.

I also still love my wife very much, and I keep hoping somehow I can help her...

Having skipped the discussion above, I know the the answer is yes because I read about it years ago.
You can file for a divorce citing that reason, it has been done and the outcome of the case was that the it was a legimate reason.

Wow. I had to skip on down and make a statement steveh...I am not only a Christian, but I was brought up down South in the Southern Baptist church! Sex with someone you love is never supposed to be thought of as "dirty." I can't wait to crawl into bed with my husband every night. It sounds like your wife was possibly abused sexually at some point in her life. ? Also, depression is a very controlling "thing"....I was going to say "disease."..."illness"? I'm not sure what depression falls under medically...I do know it's very common and has broken up families for all kinds of reasons.

IMHO no sex is grounds for manslaugher....

yeh my wifes like that too...
ever since we got married she's felt dirty about sex...
especially oral sex.. it's wierd.

she is also afraid that she may have been molested as a child but can't remember it cos she has a lot of the tell-tale signs.
I'm a christian and also struggle with it. It's very hard on me as well as her. Porn is a very real issue too and i use it on and off.. when i get guilty i get rid of it.
recently though. i've started thinking that i need sex.. but my wife needs other things.. maybe she's not getting her needs met just as much as i'm am.

just a thought

SEXLESS MARRIAGE
I have been married 10 years, of which 7 have been without sex. Every time I want to leave, he says I always give up. That is my way out. How long is long enough to stay so that I am not giving up. He gets everything he wants. We move to suit him, I quit my job to suit him, he works all the time to suit him, he takes a promotion to suit him. I am so depressed, all I want to do is die. Unfortunately, I am healthy. So I sit and feel like a worthless pig as he won't touch me. Is divorce the answer, or should I try really hard to swallow that handfull of pills?

No - I won't call you that horrible name. The real loser here is the jerk you're married to. He sounds like a control freak who cares nothing about you. Please, make an appointment to see a counselor, and tell him/her exactly what you've told us. If I have ever heard of grounds for divorce it's what you've written.

Feeling that being healthy is an unfortunate situation, for one thing, is a sign that you need counseling. No one here is going to advocate suicide. Get thee to a counselor!

SteveH - It's the lack of respect / her emotional needs not being met over the years, which leads to depression, which leads to not wanting sex.

Can't say anything else, other than that yes, it can be grounds for divorce. You might consider not worrying about the sex and building back up the trust and respect in your marriage if you want to save it. If not, do her a favor and divorce so she can find someone that meets her needs, too.

SteveH,

I read the entire thread, but one thing you said really sticks out, the part about thoughts of divorce. Your real issue seems to be staying in the marriage because of your kids. If you didn't have kids, it seems that divorce would be more appealing to you.

I think the situation should come down to if you really still love your wife and want to work it out, or if that love has evaporated and you feel trapped because of the kids.

After five years of no sex, no intimacy, and no bonding, that love has to have lessened as your frustration has grown. Porn isn't an outlet, it's simply a stop-gap measure. It won't make you happy or cure your wife's sexual problems.

If you really love your wife, do as Jespah mentioned, find a NEW counselor and give it one more try. After that, or even barring that, seek an amicable divorce. Kids are resilient and you'd be amazed how well they bounce back especially when they realize that both you and your wife will still love them and the world isn't coming to an end.

Remember this too, at 44, you are NOT in your dotage. Your kids will grow up and leave and have lives of their own--that don't include you. We only have one life and we need to live it. I don't mean to say to abandon your children, I've an idea you'll spend as much time with them as you are able which is honorable and good. What I am saying is that you deserve your own life. Sacrificing your own future for them will only lead to bitterness towards them and it's not their fault.

Try to find a happy medium here. Make a full-scale attempt and then move on.

Best of luck to you SteveH

SteveH, I have only just now got around to reading this thread and, as usual, can't help but add my two cents to the kitty.

Sex is a normal human desire, that is to say, when everything is normal, humans will desire it. Which means that there is something not normal about either your wife or your relationship with your wife.

When a woman loses the desire for sex (or never had it to begin with) it points to a trauma in that woman's life, whether it be the slow trauma of repression or the more immediate and harrowing trauma of abuse. The fact that your wife is so reluctant to even have subject mentioned in her prescence indicates that, whatever the cause of her aversion is, it must be painful to her. If this holds true for your wife, you need to talk to her, for her sake as well as the sake of your marriage.

You have not spoken in depth of the rest of your relationship, whether there was ever great love there, how you have related in matters other than sex. It is always difficult to make a judgement in a situation like this when one only knows half the story, never the less I will say that, if I were you, I would be extremely hesitant to jump into divorce until I knew the real reason for this lack of interest, not to mention the depression, a most debilitating illness.

Re: SEXLESS MARRIAGE


And to you, dear, dear woman. Leave him! Get a job. Get your own place. This man is using you! The only time you are "giving up" is when you let him make up your mind for you!

Much as I love and appreciate the male of our species, there are regrettably some men in the world who thrive on controlling the women with whom they live. I shall make no presumptions about the sexuality of your "husband" but I will say that such behaviour, domination, lack of sexual interest, manipulation, is to me suggestive of a man in the closet, a man who feels the need to reinforce his maleness by controlling you. I may be off mark on that but then I've never met the man.

Whatever his deficiencies are, THEY ARE NOT YOURS!!! You have a right to live and choose for yourself as much as he does! It seems to me that this man has not been a husband to you for a long time.

Re: SEXLESS MARRIAGE
Funny I ran across these posts last night, as I had heard about this "law". I too am in this predicament. And as the other posters have said, there has been some emotional pain that both my wife and I have had to endure over the past 3 years. We have 2 beautiful children nice house etc., but had to deal with a fire and a loss of a business almost simultenously.

Our sex was good before then, now its virtually non existent, and when I try to broach the subject, either she doesn't want to talk about it, or says that she doesn't want to get emotionally hurt again.

What compounds this is that she has "befriended" another man. I beleive her when she says its platonic, but emotionally she has become distanced, and when I confront/ try to talk with her about it, I am told its all in my head, and its an issue that I have to deal with inside of me.

Anyway, I am giving it time ( trying to let the old wounds heal) but I have to confess its painful, and I don't know how long I am suppose to give this healing process, should one measure it in months...years?

I have always enjoyed sex/love, have always viewed it as a physical/emotional/spiritual event, and feel that it has been missing too long in my life. But at the same time, I don't want to "lose" my marraige over it. Although it seems that I am being forced to comprimse more and more of myself as I "give time" to this healing process.

Thanks for letting me speak my mind.