No Sex - Legitimate reason for divorce?

1) I am no lawyer
2) I am 4 years old
3) As far as I know, sex is considered an integral part of marriage and is acceptable legal grounds for divorce if absent from the marriage

I'll let the adults handle the feelings and such.

Have more counseling if it isn't working. Counselors are as different as people can be. And, suggest your wife get a thorough physical examination. Hey, it can't hurt, and it's possible that there are other factors, such as medications she takes, which could be affecting her sex drive.

I have no idea what state you're in, so keep in mind that divorce law (domestic relations law) differs from state to state. However, keep in mind that many states are no-fault jurisdictions which means you don't need to prove any sort of "fault" on anyone's part, or you can use "irreconcilable differences" as your grounds. Here's a site which shows a table of grounds for divorce per state: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/faultstates.htm

Also, generally annulments in the Catholic Church may be obtained if the marriage was never consummated, but that's obviously not the case here.

Thanks for the advice. I live in CA so a divorce should not be a big problem. Also, we are not Catholics so that is not an issue either. We are Christians but there are legitimate reasons for divorce. My only divorce concerns are my kids. I really love my kids.

My wife has had several exams as she suffers from depression from time to time. The problem is that sex has been rare and bad for the last 5 or so years. To be honest, I don't think she ever cared for it at all with me. I didn't have this problem at all with girlfriends prior to marriage. As I see the real problem, she doesn't really care that I need sex. She tells me it's my problem and that I need to deal with it. I am reaching the point that I am resenting her for driving me to porn.

I now know why Christian divorce rates are higher than non-Christian marriages. Seems that so many Christian women think sex is dirty or a duty. What are Christian husbands to do? Porn = SIN, Adultary = SIN, Prostitutes = SIN. Divorce seems the only sinless option left for a husband.

This is exactly why I take issue with people who oppose sex outside of marriage. Most notably the religious community. Especially educators who want to teach young people that abstinence is the only accepted form of birth control and that sex outside of marriage is a sin. How does anyone expect a woman to be sexually healthy and active when, from childhood, she was taught that sex was dirty and that her desires were wrong.

How can a young person (male or female) deny their sexual feelings and then, on their wedding night, be told that since you are now married, you can express yourself sexually as often as you like? I think males (usually) are able to have a sex life that isn't filled with hangups after being programmed that sex is wrong or bad. Women, on the other hand, have a much more difficult time and, without counseling or therapy, never get past the 'sex is dirty' mantra.

Sorry to dash your illusions, but I'm a Christian woman, and I have always enjoyed sex. I was taught it was a gift from God...for pleasure as well as procreation.

(Well...okay, there were a few years there when I dreaded sex...I had an obnoxious husband...a religious nut who had more hang-ups about sex than any woman I've ever known...but that's a bit off topic...)

Except for illness, I can't imagine why you would even consider staying in a marriage with someone who doesn't ever plan on enjoying sex. True, there's more to marriage than sex, but sex is important, too. For crying out loud, you're only in your 40s! She should be at her sexual peak!!!

If a spouse with holds sex from their partner and is not willing to admit that they have a problem, then I think divorce is a proper course of action. If, however, a spouse is injured in an accident or suffers from a illness and cannot have sex temporarily, then I think the healthy spouse should just wait the dry spell out. If there is pernament injury or illness that's another matter. If you really love the injured or sick spouse you may want to stay in the marriage and either satisfy your sexual needs yourself, or possibly take on a lover to meet those needs.

When I said Christian what I should have said was the 'right wing fundamentalist Christians' who's beliefs about many things, including sexuality are extreme and foreboding...expecially to women.

Got ya. I didn't say ALL Christian women dreaded sex, it's just that I have broached this subject with many Christian men and it is fairly common, seems more common among Christian women than non-Christian women.



Thanks for saying this. I was beginning to think I was a deranged sex maniac because I wanted to enjoy sex with my wife.

Nothing wrong with you, steveH. The problem is hers.

doglover, I think conservative religious types of BOTH sexes are often more sexually repressed. Can we agree on this?

While I totally disagree with doglover's apologist argument for extra-marital affairs (we've been over that one already, and choose to differ), I do agree that the "sex is dirty" mantra, whether religious or just psychological, is extremely damaging once pounded into someone's head. This is clearly her problem, one that she is not facing up to. It has been long-suppressed, but there is a reason behind it that she cannot see at the moment. I can only suggest finding a new therapist who might be able to probe the issue further with her, on her own. Grounds for divorce? I'm not sure I'd walk that slippery path quite yet. She does need help though, and support. Right now, she will deny it until the cows come home, but her behaviour is not normal. Depression could be a key, but this 'no sex' thing is just a symptom of a much larger problem, one strand in a spider web of experience. Be patient and encouraging, and don't get too heavy into the porn either, beyond the normal male urges. Your wife needs you more now than you probably realize.

Thanks to all. This is remarkably good advice.

After 20 years of marriage I figure I can be patient to solve this problem - to a point. I will continue to try and work with her on it for months but not years. I'm not that young any more.

And be kind. If she feels it's forced or is her job or that it will just be a fight whenever the two of you discuss it, she isn't going to want to even try to work it out.

I'm a firm believer in doing whatever is possible to try to save a marriage, but within reason, e. g. don't stay with someone who's abusing you, don't stay if all hope is lost, etc. Still, you need to explore as many avenues as you can. After all, if you don't do all you can, and your marriage ends, you may find you regret that. So, as they say, give it the old college try.

Now, about the kids. They want you to be happy. They probably (if asked) would want you and your wife to stay together (after all, presumably they know nothing of your bedroom problems), but the bottom line is that they want you to be happy because that's added security for them. An amicable divorce, if you've tried everything and failed, is a good place to be. Parents can raise their kids with love and cooperation even if they are no longer married.

I agree. She told me to back off on the subject many months ago and I haven't even mentioned the subject for months. Its taboo as far as I am concerned.

I think if it does come to a divorce we both care so much about the kids that they will truly be top priority for both of us. My wife is a great mother - she wouldn't let the kids get hurt for anything.

I am also 44 and I could not imagine life without sex! Steve you ARE still young! My wife left me several years ago after she finally found the right woman. My girlfriend now is 32 and loves sex at least as much as I do. Call it a mid-life crisis but I feel like I'm 25. A marriage without sex is...DULL!

You said you'll be patient, to a point? I'd think 5 years would be well past that point.

It's up to you if you want to find her help, but if she doesn't want to have sex, she doesn't want to have sex with you. Sounds like it's time to move on. Sex is a big part of a relationship. I'd flat out tell her "I need sex in my life...we can either work on this, or I'm moving on."

I would suggest that your wife have a complete physical exam. She may be in her 40s and yet she might be going through an early menopause and more over, she could even have a brain tumor. Both factors could affect her sex drive in a neg way.

yes ma'am.

no sex
Hi there! New here but this post caught my attention. Believe it or not, there ARE laws regarding no sex in a marriage. It's called "Lack of Consortium". I kid you not. The reason I know this is that there was a big scandal in the next town over from me a few years ago about a woman who was in a car accident that was not her fault. She broke her pelvis and her husband sued the other driver for lack of consortium.

I'm not sure if it works as legal grounds for a divorce in your particular state but I do know that in my state (New Jersey), irreconcilable differences plus a 1.5-year waiting period of not having lived together, was sufficient.

Now if you're wondering if it's sufficient reason for an *annulment*...that's a different matter altogether, but I'm thinking it's probably sufficient. I don't know if you're Catholic and would want an annulment. I'm not Catholic but my ex was, and I think I might remember something about this when my ex was seeking annulment from HIS ex (ohhhhhhh what a tangled web we weave...).

OK, I'm really curious now so I'm going to go read all the replies!

California has such liberal laws regarding divorce. "Irreconcilable differences" are the only grounds necessary most places.

The best you can hope for is a skin mag and Rosey Palm for the rest of your life and you're only 44? No progress in spite of counseling?

I'd say you've been patient enough. If she still says no noogie, you say buh-bye. Seriously. Bail.

Re: no sex


It's not called Lack of Consortium, it's called Loss of Consortium, and it's not a ground for divorce and wasn't in the case you cited. Rather, in that case (and in all other matters where Loss of Consortium is alleged), it has to do with physical or sometimes even psychological damage that is incurred when a person is injured due to a tort (such as negligence or battery). And it's not just about sex. Standard information which can support a Loss of Consortium claim is things like -
is the spouse unable to do chores around the house?
is the spouse unable to care for the children (if any)?
has there been any diminishment of affection or problems in the marriage that can be linked to the injuries suffered in the accident?
and, yes, is the couple unable to engage in sexual relations in the same frequency or positions as before the accident?

Plus, it's not exactly a rare claim. When I was practicing law, if a person who had been in an auto accident or a fall or bitten by a dog or injured by a defective product was married, a claim of Loss of Consortium was standard operating procedure and, in fact, it would be considered possible malpractice if the plaintiff's attorney did not allege Loss of Consortium.

I've taken many a deposition wherein I had to ask people whether they can still perform sexually, how often and whether they can still do it in the same positions as before the accident. BTW, men often claim more pre-accident frequency than women do, though not always.