5
   

In friendzone for god know how long, is there a way out?

 
 
Reply Tue 23 Jun, 2015 05:07 am
Hey brothers Smile
There is this girl who is my junior when i'm doing my graduation. My graduation is 4 years and she joined the college when i was in 2nd year(i guess that is the meaning of junior). well i saw her on freshers party(which seniors are suppose to throw to juniors as welcome and ofcourse juniors are supposed give seniors farewell party at end of our graduation). So i'm guy with very low self esteem, low self confidence, and i have been in boys hostel and boys school till my graduation. Essentially i havent talked to a single girl or have seen a single girl till my graduation. Sad So i had like instant crush on this girl. But because of my insecurities and inexperience i never made an attempt to talk to her. I was not top in my class but i have a real good understanding about programming and everything (i'm a computers student) so my teachers and professors like me very much more than toppers. And they apparently told about me to my juniors, and asked my juniors to consult me for anything they need and take me as inspiration.

Well its when its my final year still i didnt nothing expect look at her everytime she passes me in college. So once i was in my head of department office and he had to go somewhere so i checked all the records and got her phone number and saved it in my mobile. Razz After my graduation finished i left the college and well i did one year course on game development. (coz software is too mainstream Razz) and at that time i found courage to message her on her bday and wished her. i told her that its me and she is like i dont believe you, you are supposed to be studious and career oriented not calling girls etc :/. well i did convince her and we had such nice conversations. And from that day we use to call and message alot and i was really happy everytime i talk to her. At this point i havent met her once and she didnt meet me either. But thanks to orkut, facebook and what not she know how i look and well i knew how she looks since college. So i finished my course and i went for job as game developer to some far off place. And it became impossible for me to meet her. Sad Its not love or anything but we really had good thing and i truly felt a bond and well we named it friendship. i really am not sure that i lover her or anything i still didnt have feelings for her. for next 2 years we talked almost every day and every night on phone. after her graduation she joined in some BPO as night shift so everynight she use to call me at 12 and we talk for 3 or 4 hours and again she will call me at 6 in morning when she is about to leave the office and she will in taxi. so basically she spend more than 50% of her time in office talking to me. and i use to go to my office next day like a ragged teddy bear and ofcourse we again talk when i;m in my office also. So i get to know a lot about her and the bond strengthened. At times we dont have anything to talk about so we use to buy a novel and just read it out for each other. And if she couldnt sleep she will call me and i tell her bedtime stories.

So after these 2 years, i feel really attached to her. Want to be with her evey minute but my anxiety, my low self esteem they are so strong they keep saying "if you meet her she will look at your ugly face and that is end of it". i forgot to mention i'm from india and we have a custom here, parents just arrange our marriges and we just have to get married to them. :/ loving someone and getting married to them is like a real big deal here. And her parents got a her a suitable bride Mad. He is better than me in every aspect. He looks good, i look like a begger, very slim, dont even have dressing sense, ugly face tc. he does yoga good body, and handsome, better job infact he earns 10 times my salary i think :-|.and he is living in united states so they chat online and do cam chats etc. And she liked him a lot Sad. and well all night i just used to sit on bed listining to her talking about him and suddenly their marriage got canceled for some reasons and she is really depressed so i used to cheer her up. So after battling with my self esteem for a year i decided to meet her so i made an excuse that i was coming by to her city just to meet a friend in that city and if she is interested in meeting me. She said yes and she told me to where to come. i went there and waited for 2 hours before she came. But believe its worth that wait Wink and we just sat there and talked for 2 - 3 hours and i had to leave. She said that she was happy meeting me and its good to finally add expressions to those stable images she has in mind of mine.
She said that she is leaving for United states for higher studies so i met her one last time for 3 hours and again we just talked and she left to US now.


Well thing is even i'm coming to US for my higher studies so i'm thinking we havent met each other at all. so maybe if i can meet her in person regularly maybe i can change her thoughts about me. maybe if i can do something different i dont know. There are lot of things different when we actually met in person so can i do something different that can make her feel same way towards me? i have been reading and listening to things like seduction techniques and psychology etc. but do they really work?

Please help a fallen brother. Sad
 
Lordyaswas
 
  2  
Reply Tue 23 Jun, 2015 05:11 am
I blame the internet.


My teeth are itching. Is that possible?
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Tue 23 Jun, 2015 05:52 am
@DepressedBrother,
Since you're both in a culture where marriages are arranged, you need to meet her parents and not her. Talk to her on one of your calls and ask to informally meet her folks. This is not for marriage; it's for them to know who you are. Because they got her a different groom before, because they had no idea who you are.

And no stupid ass seduction techniques or crap like that. She will immediately figure out that you have feelings for her if you ask to make a connection to her folks.
DepressedBrother
 
  1  
Reply Tue 23 Jun, 2015 06:26 am
@jespah,
well talking to parents doesnt work out well unless girl has same feelings. first thing her parents ask will ask is does she likes you? she said if she likes someone her parents will say ok to that guy. so she just need to have same feelings for me

alright no to seduction techniques,
how make her feel connected to me the way i feel for her?
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Tue 23 Jun, 2015 06:28 am
@DepressedBrother,
You can't make anybody feel anything.

Maybe talk to this girl. You have talked to her for years. So start.

"I have to tell you, I like you. You know, in that way. I hope you like me, too."

And see what happens.

She might not. Then you're right back where you started. But maybe she does like you that way. Either way, you are not going to get there by just wishing and hoping.
DepressedBrother
 
  1  
Reply Tue 23 Jun, 2015 06:39 am
@jespah,
yeh i actually told her that very recently and she said she doesnt feel the same. She said if she feel anything she will never ignore it and she will express it. so in a way that is done.

All i'm banking on, my trump card, is that we just met twice so maybe next time i meet her i can make some difference, you like show how much fun i'm to be with, i dont know. that is what i want suggestions in. when i meet her what can i do to make her feel same. i'm thinking of going to college where she will get a job so that we can meet regularly and spend time together regularly. she is gonna finish college by this nov or dec and i'll join on jan 2016 so i was hoping i can join in same place as she is gonna be Very Happy

i thought in the mean time i'll work on my low self esteem, become more confident, and maybe try to increase weight (i'm 5 feet 11 inchs and i weight 51 kgs :/ around 110lbs)
so if you can guide me in what direction should i change myself or become confident and how should i do things?

also advices on how to break touch barrier please
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Tue 23 Jun, 2015 07:41 am
@DepressedBrother,
If it doesn't work out, you'll end up at a college that isn't necessarily suitable for you.

I urge you to rethink this plan. She does not feel the same way as you do. Don't go rearranging your life for someone who is not interested. That way lies madness.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 23 Jun, 2015 07:56 am
@jespah,
jespah wrote:

You can't make anybody feel anything.


I am repeating this, since you didn't seem to pay attention to it. At best, pushing people to be romantically interested in you is useless, and at worst it is trying to manipulate people. And, going around touching people who have said they are not interested is obnoxious at the least. Listen to what the girl has told you, don't dismiss it.
DepressedBrother
 
  1  
Reply Tue 23 Jun, 2015 09:50 am
@jespah,
yeh that is true but it like i can choose a college where she most likely end up. Its like currently i have various colleges in mind and i'll choose the one that will be near to her and give me the kind of education i wanted.
anyway i have to apply to colleges by this august and she wont finish her college till november so i wont even know where she is gonna end up. (which i kind of understood while typing this message) so i guess that whole plan is flawed Sad

thanks man i would have done a big mistake here if you havent brought it up Smile
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Tue 23 Jun, 2015 09:56 am
@DepressedBrother,
Clearly you don't get it and no matter what advice you have been given you are obsessed with conquest. She has told you no.

Why aren't you looking to attend the best college for you and not based on where she is? After all, there's no future with her.
DepressedBrother
 
  1  
Reply Tue 23 Jun, 2015 09:59 am
@ossobuco,
your mind sees what it only wants to see i guess Sad
i didnt dismiss what she said. but you know i was banging more on the part where she said "if i ever felt the same way i'll never ignore that thought and i'll express it" Smile
breaking touch barrier, i wont go around touching her like a pervert, but you know the only time i ever touched a girl in whole life is when i shook my hands on the day i did my project presentation :/ other than that i never even touched a girl, not even hands not even finger, never went out with a girl till now in my life. so you know if not with this girl atleast i'll learn slowly how to be around girls and not get nervous and anxious. i dont want to be all nervous and anxious and afraid of judgment and all around her. i just want to relax and atleast have good times. and i read that tough is a powerful mechanism to remove anxiety. well again this was written on websites and i have no idea how true or false this is. Sad

But as you said "You can't make anybody feel anything."
i cant make her feel anything. Since you know the whole situation tell me with your experience is there any chance of her feeling the way i felt for her?
not with me manipulating but you know by herself, like after we meet is there any chance of her thinking "maybe he is a good choice to pick"?
DepressedBrother
 
  1  
Reply Tue 23 Jun, 2015 10:06 am
@Ragman,
"After all, there's no future with her." - if i would have knkow this for sure then i'll stop all attempts. Sad
but there is always a place in mind that keeps saying "maybe, maybe, maybe" and it keeps on nagging :/
maybe this, maybe that, grrrrr cant sleep at nights, cant concentrate on anything, unable to do projects or write codes i promised to friends.
i stopped posting answers in stackoverflow and other programming fourms which i used to do alot before. i love helping others who are learning.
but i couldnt concentrate on anything.
these days its all maybe, maybe and trillions of maybe's just haunting my mind.

OMG do i really sound obsessed? please tell me
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Tue 23 Jun, 2015 10:13 am
@DepressedBrother,
You do sound obsessed with her. She's told you no. She is going on with her life. You can learn a lesson from that - move on with your life.

Pick the very best college that will accept you and that has the most challenging program.

You are going to go to the US where things are very different socially. You are going to meet a lot of new people and learn how to interact with them.

Get your own college thing settled to your academic benefit.

If you see her while you're in the US, hopefully you'll both have a pleasant time. If not, that's fine too. You're going to be meeting other people.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 23 Jun, 2015 10:33 am
@DepressedBrother,
My mind sees what I read and that is that she said she isn't interested.

You took the "if I ever felt the same way" as being about you, but that wasn't about you, it was about her being able to say so if she was interested in anyone.

Get busy on picking the right school.
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Tue 23 Jun, 2015 10:42 am
@DepressedBrother,
and this

DepressedBrother wrote:
So once i was in my head of department office and he had to go somewhere so i checked all the records and got her phone number and saved it in my mobile.


don't ever do this again

it was a very bad thing for you to do
Lordyaswas
 
  1  
Reply Tue 23 Jun, 2015 11:15 am
I've just got back from getting my itchy teeth thing analyzed by our local soothsayer.

Apparently I'm either going to win big money, cross paths with an obsessive or adopt a cat.

I immediately went and got a ticket for the lottery.


Have I missed anything?
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 23 Jun, 2015 11:20 am
@ehBeth,
Privacy may be a new concept to our poster. Not that other people don't understand it either, but it's a useful concept to understand and use all one's life.

DepressedBrother
 
  -1  
Reply Tue 23 Jun, 2015 11:22 am
@ehBeth,
Quote:
don't ever do this again
it was a very bad thing for you to do


she never mind me doing it. infact she was glad that i did and called her Smile

"The things i do for love" Embarrassed
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/a0/b2/e5/a0b2e568ffffdf780479782ea488a771.jpg
DepressedBrother
 
  0  
Reply Tue 23 Jun, 2015 11:24 am
@ossobuco,
Quote:
You took the "if I ever felt the same way" as being about you, but that wasn't about you, it was about her being able to say so if she was interested in anyone.


this is more heart breaking to realize than when she said no Sad
0 Replies
 
DepressedBrother
 
  0  
Reply Tue 23 Jun, 2015 11:26 am
@Lordyaswas,
i never wanted or intended to be obsessive
it just happened to turn out like this
0 Replies
 
 

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