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Why can't I love?

 
 
Reply Fri 12 Jun, 2015 04:41 pm
Before I start describing my question, I'd like to say that I probably can't put it into words very well. I tried explaining this to other people before, and it ended up with me rambling on and on and the others not taking me serious.
I'll try my best though.
Alright, here goes nothing. I think I can't fall in love.
I'm 17 right now, and people might argue that I'm just too young - the right person will come along eventually, you know the drift. However, not having had your first kiss even though you are 17 already is something that most people my age would laugh at - which is why I decided to give relationships a try about half a year ago. I met someone on the Internet, and he was an amazing person. We had so much in common, and he was everything I could have asked for in a boy. We went on a few dates, and I really liked him, but not in that way. He was pretty much perfect for me, yet again, I only felt trapped in the relationship. I literally felt like I was suffocating. I talked with him about it, and we broke up. I feel really sorry for that; he was so nice to me all the time, and so understanding. Way for me to pay him back.
As I tried to explain the same thing to my sister, she just looked at me as if I was really weird. Whenever I tell someone else, they don't believe me.
And I don't blame them. I actually long for love. I want to have someone at my side who will be there for me when I need them, who will listen to me and help me open up without being too forceful. Yet, whenever I think of being in a relationship, I feel trapped. Not to mention that I don't actually feel love. Sure, I've had a few crushs during my teenage-years, but that's all they were. The more time I spent with the person in question, the more bored and annoyed I grew around them. If I say it like that, it sounds really bad. Am I just a horrible person? Am I the problem here?
I just feel incredibly torn between those two sides, and lately, I've really been suffering from that. People keep pressuring me to "just get a boyfriend already", too. It's been dragging me down a lot.
Seeing that people don't tend to understand my feelings at all, I really wonder if I'm alone with these thoughts. Have you experienced anything like this? Can you give me some advice? I'm at my wits end, and I feel so tired.
 
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Fri 12 Jun, 2015 04:50 pm
@MisguidedGhost,
First off, your sample size is WAY too small.

Second, if you're tired a lot, and things like this are irritating you, you might be depressed. Maybe talk to your doctor.

Finally, hang in there. Plenty of people had their first kisses after age 17. There are people who don't fall in love until their 40s and later. Stop comparing yourself to a meaningless timetable.
0 Replies
 
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Fri 12 Jun, 2015 06:22 pm
@MisguidedGhost,
I'm just curious, you never state your gender. Perhaps you could tell us?
MisguidedGhost
 
  1  
Reply Sat 13 Jun, 2015 11:21 am
@Ragman,
Oh, that's right, it might be a good idea to do that. While I'm at it, I might just as well add some more information about myself, maybe that will help.

- I'm female
- extremely Introverted and also a Highly Sensetive Person
- I was bullied for about 5 years when I was in middle school
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sat 13 Jun, 2015 11:42 am
@MisguidedGhost,
Are there any young men around you that you enjoy talking to?

Any people at all around you that you like talking to?
Ragman
 
  3  
Reply Sat 13 Jun, 2015 11:50 am
@MisguidedGhost,
Thanks for including that. You are not a typical teen with dating issues. Please understand that this is not simple- not just a case of lack of confidence due to lack of experience.

Furthermore, I don't think trying to make relationship connections on the Internet is a smart idea - especially when you are still a minor and have these emotional issues going on. Too risky.

Let me start off by saying you do understand a little about your relationship problem. There's something missing for you. The emotional impact of what you went through with long term bullying must have been really painful. I hope counseling was/is something you've had or are currently involved with.

If not, you really should ask your parents to help you NOW by making some counseling appointments. This long term bullying is not a small problem has damaged your self-confidence. You could face a lifetime of relationship problems if it isn't addressed now. Forming relationships relies on a certain amount of self confidence. You've indicated that even family members don't know how properly to react to what you're telling them.

Frankly, this seems to be a family issue. Hoping you get help really soon with this. There is no short term or easy fix or simple answer.
0 Replies
 
MisguidedGhost
 
  1  
Reply Sat 13 Jun, 2015 12:18 pm
@ehBeth,
Well, of course there are many young men at my school, but I'm not particularily close to any of them. As for people in general, I do have some friends. I also get along with my cousin quite well. And while I can't talk about serious stuff with my big sister, I'm pretty close to my younger sister. I'm two years older than her, but we have a lot in common.
I'd try to get to know some new people, but I'm incredibly awkward around strangers and don't like starting a conversation. I always feel like I'm interrupting something.
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Sat 13 Jun, 2015 12:31 pm
@MisguidedGhost,
You never answered my question about counseling appointments?
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sat 13 Jun, 2015 01:27 pm
@MisguidedGhost,
Sounds like you could use some practice in basic conversation.

It's hard to have serious and/or relationship conversations if you can't do casual chatting with friends/family/strangers.

I worked with a young man a couple of years back who had similar difficulties. We set up a project where he had to make a random comment to a stranger every other day. It took a week or so for him to get started but it worked well eventually. We started with him smiling at people he passed in hallways, or at people when he opened doors for them. Then he stepped up to greeting people as he met them out of their regular contexts. He is in his mid-twenties now and has had a very nice girlfriend for about two years. He first met her by way of a random hello in a food court. They eventually discovered they both enjoyed roller-blading and it became part of their dating start-up.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Sat 13 Jun, 2015 01:28 pm
@MisguidedGhost,
MisguidedGhost wrote:

Well, of course there are many young men at my school, but I'm not particularily close to any of them.


you don't have to be close to someone to say hello or good morning or goodbye.

it's all got to start somewhere.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sat 13 Jun, 2015 01:30 pm
@MisguidedGhost,
People will let you know if you're interrupting them. Really.

You have to start with interacting with people. Then you can find out if you like them, and then hopefully at some point, you'll come to love some of the people you like. It's a progression.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sat 13 Jun, 2015 01:58 pm
I considered myself as overwhelmingly shy. My mother was shy forevermore, except in our house. I was also raised in a culture that was iffy on arguing, as in no sassing, and anger was a sin. Only child, parents moving a lot thus changing schools, no kids to play with (well, a couple off and on, a month or two in total for a few visits) until I was about nine.

Look at me now, a loud mouth talk a lot. Madison Street in Evanston saved me, good playmates for about five years. Which helped for my self esteem later. This around the time you have had your bad bullying problems, so, very different.

I also - while still quite shy, just not as closed as I was before - got an after school/weekend job that started the day I turned sixteen. That civilized me - it was a series of hospital jobs over six year while I went through school.

I was never really bullied and I agree that needs dealing with, therapy, reading, for sure. But also doing. Get interested in things and do what you start to love, like drawing, or singing, or just looking around you, how cities and towns differ, how cats behave, how humans vary, whatever your interests.

Seventeen? I'd only fantasized about a football player halfway across the u.s. by then. Daydreams.
My first kiss? horrible, a couple of years later. Liverlips.

First love, wonderful.


Love is a big word rather scarred by daily life; it just gets a little wiser.
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Sat 13 Jun, 2015 02:03 pm
Miss Guided

It seems like you want all the benefits of relationships, but are unwilling or are unable to make the effort to make that happen.

If this is a problem that stops your life - then you need to seek counseling to find out why you can't make changes to make your life better.

Perhaps it's as simple as being the middle child, where sometimes middle children feel invisible . . .

(You never answered the question above about counseling)
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Sat 13 Jun, 2015 04:42 pm
@ossobuco,
My point is that at seventeen, romantic love is a feathery concept much of the time.
0 Replies
 
Conye3
 
  1  
Reply Sat 13 Jun, 2015 05:05 pm
@MisguidedGhost,
I had a friend in this situation which a sort of helped her through, it is nothing personal on you, she struggled and went to both sexes unsure if it was because she didn't liked boys and girls, it got her down a lot, sometimes when there's a demand that u want to love someone it won't happen, u will find someone who u completely connect with and will love, but maybe at this moment in time u haven't yet found the person who truly takes ur heart like sure u can be attracted and crush on them, but there will be someone tht will take ur heart, and as great as it is, don't put too much demand on wanting to love and feel like you can't, enjoy being young and meeting people and enjoying yourself, and you'll find along the way the person you will love maybe? What I realised personally when I put on demand the need to be with someone it never happened but when I wasnt expecting to I found it, it may sound cliche but for a few people I have noticed this, I'm also 17, so I'm saying enjoy urself while u can, and you never know the right person will come along eventually which I know u said u get told a lot, but honestly don't get down about it things seem to pan it one way or another later on
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Sat 13 Jun, 2015 05:12 pm
@Conye3,
Just out of curiosity, did you read the part where she wrote about the 5 years of being bullied?
Conye3
 
  1  
Reply Sat 13 Jun, 2015 05:45 pm
@Ragman,
Never saw her extra part, however being bullied for that length of time could have caused major confidence loss, obviously, and could take toll on this part as you may be frightened to completely open up to someone or trust someone enough to love them because the bullying
0 Replies
 
 

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