CONFUSED... Girlfriend wants to have a family, but also wants to leave.

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My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half now. We love each other very much and talk about having a future together all the time. There is however one particular problem that is pushing my girlfriend away from following those dreams; baggage.

I have 13 year old daughter with a crazy mother. Her mother and I split up shortly before my current girlfriend and I started dating. The ex has done nothing but cause problems in our(gf and mine) lives. She also has a tendency of using our daughter to cause conflict. Needless to say my girlfriend tries very hard to ignore this stuff and tries to have a relationship with my daughter and I, but my ex and my daughter keep ruining those chances.

It has gotten to a point where my girlfriend doesn't want to deal with the stress anymore and wants to move out. At the same time she wants to stay and have a family of our own one day, but doesn't think anything is going to get any better with my daughter and my ex causing problems. So she is very conflicted and tends to focus on the negative side of things more.

I feel terrible for fighting to keep her around when I know a lot of this stuff stresses her out, but at the same time I know how much we love each other and don't want her to make a mistake.

What do i do!? Do i continue to fight for her and try to keep her around and hope things get better or do i let her go and find happiness elsewhere? I just want her to be happy....

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Type: Question • Score: 2 • Views: 519 • Replies: 13

[+3] - 1confusedguy - 06/08/2015Yes, I provide support. I also had my daughter 50% of the time which was agreed upon between her mother and I. Then she started messing with the days I would see my daughter and causing other...

@1confusedguy,

can you afford hiring a lawyer?

1 Reply

@Ragman,

Unfortunately, no...

I'm assuming to take care of the mess with my ex?

1 Reply

@1confusedguy,

yes. you have a divorce decree, right? Were you married to the mother?

1 Reply

@1confusedguy,

It sounds like you've got at least three relationships to sort out.

I'd say the one with your daughter is primary. She's 13 and needs to know what her relationship with you is about now that you're not with her mother. I suspect that once that is sorted, the other two will fall into place.

Will your girlfriend give you the time and space to get to a good relationship with your daughter? Do you have coverage through work for a counsellor to work with you and your daughter? if not, do you have a religious community leader you could work with?

1 Reply

@1confusedguy,

Oh..about another important issue:
Are you contributing financially to the support of your daughter?

If so, and you are to stay with your girlfriend and then raise a family, can you support all of your family, both old and new?

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

Yes, my girlfriend is very cooperative and agrees that the relationship between my daughter and I is good. The problem is, no matter how hard I try to have a good relationship with my daughter, her mother tends to ruin it. Or my daughter does something that gets her in trouble which in turn causes even more problems. I have always been the disciplinary parent and her mother has always been the "friend". So when I try to discipline my daughter, her mother just tells her that I don't care enough and so on...

It really is a big mess that even I can't handle at times, so I know it's probably 10 times worse for my girlfriend.

The plan I have through work doesn't cover much for mental health. I've tried taking her to counseling before several times and she just sits there and acts as if everything is fine and doesn't open up to the counselor. Then the counselor tells me she doesn't want to make it seem like she should have a problem.

1 Reply

@Ragman,

No, we were never married. It was an on and off relationship for years.. In fact a few years ago we split up for about a year(that's a story in itself). I decided to give her one more chance after she claimed she went to counseling and it helped her realize a lot. What a bunch of nonsense that was...

1 Reply

@1confusedguy,

Sorry for repeating here but you didn't answer the question I asked.

Are you contributing financially to the support of your daughter?

If so, and you are to stay with your girlfriend and then raise a family, can you support all of your family, both old and new?

0 Replies

@Ragman,

Yes, I provide support. I also had my daughter 50% of the time which was agreed upon between her mother and I. Then she started messing with the days I would see my daughter and causing other problems, so I told her for now we were to go back to what the original court order was, until I can get another court date setup. Which was every Wed and every other weekend. I filed papers and am currently waiting until July 19th to talk to the judge about my time with my daughter.

Yes, I would be able to support both down the road. We aren't exactly in a rush to start a family. It's something we were thinking in a few years from now, once everything has settled down a little more.

2 Replies

@1confusedguy,

I understand now. you might have written about this to start with back when I asked if can you afford hiring a lawyer. That is where/what I was looking for the legal info?

My question was/is about the existence of a court-ordered settlement. That is where any traction you have is. You need to submit info to the court to get the facts about how your ex is messing with the visitation and alienation of your daughter. Explain the extreme hardship that she is causing you and the damage to your relationship with your daughter.

As for your relationship with your g/f. She got involved with someone who already has family and a messy unsettled divorce. This is a high-risk relationship for her. If it's hard now, perhaps it won't be as hard once this gets settled once your ex follows the court orders. That is to say ... if your ex decides to stop manipulating you and play nice.

0 Replies

@1confusedguy,

Thirteen year olds are confused and confusing at the very best of times.

Thirteen year olds whose parents are in an on-off relationship - oy.

Thirteen year olds whose parents have split and starting new relationships - double oy.

I really think you need to focus on getting your relationship with your daughter straightened out.

If your ex is the custodial parent, let her sort out discipline etc. As the custodial parent, she needs to be responsible for that. I'm not suggesting you let your daughter get away with bad things, but your ex needs to step up on that. You can back her up on disciplinary decisions but try not to take the lead. It doesn't read as if the current situation is working for any of the three of you.

______

Does your girlfriend have a timeline for starting a family with you? Are you in a financial/emotional place for starting a new family?

1 Reply

@1confusedguy,

1confusedguy wrote:

Yes, I would be able to support both down the road. We aren't exactly in a rush to start a family. It's something we were thinking in a few years from now, once everything has settled down a little more.

ahh you posted this while I was typing

a few years is good. by then your daughter will be 16 and the worst of the teen drama will be past. Hormonal teens are just crazy. There's no way around it. Add family drama/trauma and the crazy can ramp up.

______

I was going to suggest that it might be best if your girlfriend step back on a relationship with your daughter (unless your daughter pushes for it), but that would be hard if they're sharing a home several days a week.

0 Replies

@ehBeth,

ehBeth wrote:

Does your girlfriend have a timeline for starting a family with you? Are you in a financial/emotional place for starting a new family?

He wrote:

Quote:

Yes, I would be able to support both down the road. We aren't exactly in a rush to start a family. It's something we were thinking in a few years from now, once everything has settled down a little more.

0 Replies

CONFUSED... Girlfriend wants to have a family, but also wants to leave.

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