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How should I proceed...?

 
 
Reply Thu 4 Jun, 2015 07:20 am
Back story:
I am 26, I met an amazing woman, 34. I am a concert photographer, she is the singer of a band. I shot her band one night, then we talked and hit it off immediately. Talked for hours at the bar, talked for hours over the internet. Hung out a few times, things got physical pretty quickly. We kept talking everyday almost non stop and hanging out probably about every other day for the past month. I dont want to get too sappy or go into too many specifics, but we connect on almost every level. I try to think of ways I dislike her, and I cant. She is a true adult, which ive been trying to find.

I have a daughter and theyve met, played, bonded a little.... She (the woman) fell in love with her instantly.. to my daughter she is just my friend so that part of the conversation is not my focus.

Anyway, she has been through a lot over the past 4-5 years. between an abusive relationship, right into another year long relationship that ended recently. Over the last 4 or so years, shes only been single for a few months. probably 2 or 3 different boyfriends.

Current issue:
So basically, I told her i feel like we've connected well enough for me to want to make things exclusive, because I'm gaining very strong feelings for her on a daily basis. But she told me that she is not in position in her life to want to be in another exclusive relationship. She wants to have the option to accept date offers if they present themselves. but in the same breath she's telling me that she wants to spend a lot of time with me and wants to be physical and all of that. She wants to be free.

I totally understand that, having not been single for THAT long, I can understand where she's coming from. Ive been single for 2 years on the other hand (before that was a 6 year relationship with the mother of my child), so I am ready to find that someone again.

We are both very mature and completely understand that we are in different mind-sets and different positions in life. She has no children and wants to be a mom really bad, but she doesn't "feel whole" and cant commit to me the way id like her to be able to. Im not forcing anything, im not pressuring her to be any certain way other than herself.

I told her id give her as much time and space as she needs, but at the same time, i cant be around if shes going to be dating other guys because i don't want to know, i don't want to wonder if shes sleeping with them... its going to hurt me. So we agreed to stop talking and stay away from each other for now, but that keeps failing, and we keep talking. We really like each other a lot.

How long should I wait, what should I do?

Thanks.
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Type: Question • Score: 2 • Views: 985 • Replies: 6
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ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Thu 4 Jun, 2015 08:05 am
@anon52789,
Whoa. Too intense, too fast.

It seems to me you've moved very quickly to wanting an exclusive relationship.

Chill. Let things slide to a relaxed casual dating situation. Don't talk every day, don't see each other every day. Things will start to make more sense for both of you.
anon52789
 
  1  
Reply Thu 4 Jun, 2015 08:24 am
@ehBeth,
Thank you, and I do agree. as i said, we are trying the time and space method, she msges me early in the morning online, we both have boring desk jobs (day jobs), so its too easy to communicate. But i understand. Do you think I should cut off the communication 100%? If she dates guys, i dont want to think about it. Theres feelings.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Thu 4 Jun, 2015 08:33 am
@anon52789,
You're the only one who knows your own comfort level and ability to be in a casual dating relationship.

If you can't do casual, non-exclusive dating, you're likely best off letting her know and breaking things off for now. It doesn't seem like a good time for her to be exclusive.
anon52789
 
  1  
Reply Thu 4 Jun, 2015 08:40 am
@ehBeth,
Thats exactly the case. We talk about that daily. We tried to cut ties, let her date without me involved at all. She msged me the very next morning after we said our good byes missing me. Then i told her that id just try to handle it, if she wants to date, id take it as it comes, and try to be ok with it, she mentioned going fishing with a guy, this weekend, and that was when i knew i didnt want to do causal dating. its just not my style. So i guess we are on the same page. we are trying to cut ties. I told her if/when she wants to try to be excusive with me, more than likely ill still be single. Like I said, we are both very mature and open with the communication. Its all been discussed, its just following through i guess. She basically wants to friend zone me until shes ready, and im not having that. So 100% cutoff sounds like the right plan?
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Thu 4 Jun, 2015 09:00 am
@anon52789,
It sounds like you understand very well what works for you.
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axpert
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Jun, 2015 09:13 pm
@anon52789,
Well as Beth commented you moved too fast. Especially with a person who has just been through "Anyway, she has been through a lot over the past 4-5 years. between an abusive relationship, right into another year long relationship that ended recently. Over the last 4 or so years, shes only been single for a few months. probably 2 or 3 different boyfriends. " This is a delicate situation/person. Probably best if you took your time with her. You only thought of your own need. "I am ready to find that someone again."

You can try the whole space and time apart thing. In my experience this rarely works so i wouldnt bet the farm on it. You can certainly try it. In fact now im just sharing this doesnt mean it will be your case. About 3 months ago i met a women who had just got a divorce. Hubby was making her life miserable. I didnt rush her into anything and we were just talking. About a month after meeting her she tells me she wasnt ready for anything and i understood. I was going to just completely let it go but curiosity got the best of me. About two weeks ago i decided to text her. She responded but she was real vague. I asked her if she met someone. She told me yea about a month ago. D'Oh... Cutting to chase i would try another strategy besides the time apart wait and see. Just my 2 pennies.
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