Am I in an abusive relationship?

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Hi. I am with this guy for a year now. He belongs to a village and a different caste whereas I am from a developed city. We get along well despite of all the cultural differences. Now we are also convincing his parents for our marriage. Sometimes because of differences we get in to arguments. I am short tempered so I get loud, rude and a little out of control when I am arguing.

We have had fights over he flirting with his girls (he said he wasnt flirting but i found the messages entering the zone of flirting as he was entertaining the girl though wasnt replying to all the things and she was definitely flirting). However, when I raised this issue he did apologise but after a day picked up fights linking me to my close male friend over the fact that my friend complimented me on my whts app dp. We argued a lot (I was loud lost temper). During the argument he slapped me. This was the first time. The next day he said sorry once or twice but he also kept justifying his actions saying that you were out of comtrol and thats why I slapped.

Yesterday we saw a group of people of his community ( not his relatives) who were dressed awfully. I commented on them not on him saying that they have worn very jazzy clothes but it isnt looking spohisticated. After this he started queationing my class, spohistication and financial background. I got upset for being targetted when I was not even targetting him. And he knows i am in general a little critical by nature and keep passing comments on people on road which i know isnt a good thing to do but i do it. Over this an argument started and I was again loud and was going on telling him and asking him that how can he target me for strangers. While the argument was going on he slapped me twice after which I kept quiet because it was on the roads and I was scared if he hits me again coz he is well built and strong.

Now the question is : Is this being abusive?
Or Bec i get loud and rude can this be justified?
Should I break up?

kindly help coz i cant share this with my family. They will immediately ask me to break up.

One more thing: after arguments whoever makes mistakes he never says sorry. Only after he was caught flirting with that girl and slappimg he said sorry n even yesterday.

What to do?

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@Saini,

Actually, I think he's in an abusive relationship.

0 Replies

@Saini,

Saini wrote:

......
Now the question is : Is this being abusive?
Or Bec i get loud and rude can this be justified?
Should I break up?

kindly help coz i cant share this with my family. They will immediately ask me to break up.

One more thing: after arguments whoever makes mistakes he never says sorry. Only after he was caught flirting with that girl and slappimg he said sorry n even yesterday.

What to do?

Yes, he's being abusive (although you're not coming into this with utterly clean hands).
No, it's not justified if you're rude. Or tired. Or burn dinner. Or spend too much money. Or don't get the laundry done on time. Or gain weight. Etc. etc. etc. there are a thousand or more excuses that people will use to justify their abuse. It does not excuse it.
If you don't want to get hit again, I suggest you break it off.

You aren't telling your family because they would tell you to break it off. Your family is right.

Do you honestly need another slap from this guy in order to figure out that you don't want this in your life?

Also, yeah, his not apologizing? That's another attempt by him to justify his actions. Whether or not this is truly big-time abuse, it's a red flag when someone in the wrong does not apologize. If he cannot see when he's been wrong, he is going to be very, very hard to live with.

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@Saini,

Reading this I see an accounting of mutually bad behaviors. You're both abusive! Both of you are out of control; however, he should never have slapped you - even once. The first time he slapped you , he was wrong...and that would and should have been the last time.

However once that bad relationship stops (very soon), I think you should seriously work on your own anger issues. No matter how angry you got at him during that fight, he should never slap you. He should have either walked away temporarily or leave if he can't handle his temper.

You both have some serious class issues. I have trouble discussing this but it seems if you are in a serious relationship, you've problems with someone who is in a different social-economic class from you.

Furthermore, talking badly about strangers is not pleasant but talking about someone's relatives or neighbors and how they dress is even a bigger problem. What makes you feel you have to comment? Why do you feel the need to elevate yourself? Actually, it lowers you when you are so critical.

2 Replies

@Ragman,

I misread the slapping, I thought she slapped him. Either way this couple is a nightmare.

1 Reply

@glitterbag,

for sure. my sympathies for anyone who is in such an abusive relationship.

0 Replies

@Ragman,

@Ragman

Thanks for such an honest reply. You are correct. I too need to control my temper. In fact i have improved a lot in the past few years with the help of meditation. I guess more efforts are needed. And now when i am relfecting i ll be honest to share that criticism came out of suppressed anger that I had for than him n not fr those people. I shld hav been careful with my words.

Do u recommend talking to him about my reflections and even the slappin thing ? Shall i tell him upfront that next abuse would result in break up or our differences are reasons enough to call it off? I am confused:(

3 Replies

@Saini,

Saini wrote:

Shall i tell him upfront that next abuse would result in break up or our differences are reasons enough to call it off?

There is no future to this relationship so there is no time for a ''next'' abuse.

If you feel a need to speak to him/see him again, I'd suggest you do it somewhere with some of your friends or family in attendance. Let him know the relationship is over as you are not suited to each other.

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@Saini,

Saini wrote:

Or Bec i get loud and rude can this be justified?
Should I break up?

kindly help coz i cant share this with my family. They will immediately ask me to break up.

Abuse is never justified.

I think you should break up but you are an adult and should be making decisions like this yourself.

Please talk to your family about this. They need to know what kind of situation you've got yourself into.

0 Replies

@Saini,

Let there be no confusion or ambivalence. I'm not sure why you're thinking about this or hedging any longer, For your safety sake...be more than careful when you're with him. I would end the relationship...and when you do so, be in a public place...preferably accompanied with someone who you trust. This is not acceptable or debatable any longer. There is no next chance. Please inform your family of what you're doing, also.

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@Saini,

Saini wrote:

... Shall i tell him upfront that next abuse would result in break up or our differences are reasons enough to call it off? I am confused:(

No, because that gives him a free pass to another slap. You'd be telling him that three is the magical number of slaps that you are more than willing to accept.

You do not have to take one, let alone three.

0 Replies

He does not bring out the best in you. You two argue and you get verbally abusive and he is now getting physically abusive.

I really wonder if you are like some girls who seem to "need" this kind of reaction. It's almost like a sexual release for you to be hit when you are in your own kind of anger/fit.

Get yourself psychologically well and you wouldn't have to ask if you should leave a physically abusive man. The fact that you ask these questions shows you don't know yourself at all.

0 Replies

@Saini,

Hi. I broke up with him
I told him sorry for all the rude words i ever used but also told him that he was wrong in slapping me. However, it was of no use as he tild me that slapping is fine in a relationship and he slapped me and was in a way co concerned. I asked him whether hee feels slapping is anytime needed ina relationship and he said cant u tk even two slaps for my love and for d sake of everything i have done for you.

For the first time I realised where things were goin wrong. I said i need to break up. He apologised and slapped himself thrice to show dont know what. I was embarassed and hurt and feeling awkward. I left the spot (actually ran from there) and rushed home.

I am missing him and will miss him for the good things he did in this one year but am glad all this happened and we broke up.
i am shocked to see that not even once he apologised properly not even after i aplogised for being rude. Anyway no use of thinking about it all. I only can pray to lord to forgive me for my bhvr and him for his.

Thanks all of u. Hadnt shared this with anyone except here. Felt very relaxed and strong with prompt replies and suggestions.

2 Replies

@Saini,

This seems like a pretty messed up relationship from both sides. Where I'm from, he would go to jail for that. Although, I have to say, I've seen some women that just don't understand normal language, but IMHO, guy should just walk away in such situations, not hit a woman.

PS: you made the right choice, breaking up.

0 Replies

@Saini,

I'm glad you took action.

It's normal to feel weird when your life changes like this. Recognize that it comes from the normal weirdness we all tend to feel when something long-term is changed. It doesn't mean the change isn't right.

1 Reply

@jespah,

0 Replies

Am I in an abusive relationship?

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