Porn - Overcoming feeling like second choice

If you feel this way about your current partner, then end your relationship. It's not doing either of you any good with you feeling this way.

And get some counseling. Find out why men do this (it's generally for a release and not because of specific dissatisfaction, but your mileage may vary).

Get counseling. Please.

Maybe you need to find a better class of man. I've actually heard that there are plenty of men to be found who do not use porn for all kinds of reasons. I know this because I am one of them. Why look at naked women when I have a wife whom I adore and would much rather lavish my attentions upon? And my wife will never be confused with a porn star, body-wise, except in my eyes. (Early 50's plump and brunette, if you are keeping score. lol)

An old Eddie Rabbit song comes to mind. Looking for love in all the wrong places...

Anyway, if his porn habit leaves you feeling as though you are an object rather than a desirable woman, then, I would agree that you need to dump him and find someone who would rather spend time looking at you.

I am sure that there are some people are good enough to be this judgmental. But, this only works if you are a perfect woman. Men or women who reject anyone who doesn't meet their high standards often end up alone.

The best relationships happen between people who accept each other as they are. You don't have the right to demand that someone change who they are to be with you (any more than he has the right to demand you change).

If you can't accept the person you are with, then you should move on for his sake as well as yours. But as you have noticed, the an available man who meets your requirements may be very difficult to find.

errrrr not so much

I have a couple of friends in the biz - one a super-plump, very unblonde, not young model, the other a photographer. I can guarantee that young, thin and blonde is not the entirety of the porn biz.

There are a lot of sub-genres out there.

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In any case, if it's not working for you and a particular guy, move on. It's really that simple.

The issue of why people may look at one kind of porn and have relationships with people who look differently is a separate discussion.

I dunno about that. I don't think I want to judge a person simply based on whether or not they use porn.

I don't believe I was being judgmental. She claimed every man she's been with uses porn. This obviously bothers her. Since I happen to be pretty sure that there are lots of men who do not regularly view porn, I suggested she find someone like that. It would logically follow that this would indeed be a better class of man in her view since she has issues with men viewing porn.

Agreed. But if his porn viewing makes her feel undesirable or unloved, then she has to seriously consider whether she can accept him for who he is and if not, then look for someone she can accept, just as you stated.

Not as difficult as one might think I bet. But I could be wrong. I have been once every few years. lol

And I would not want to judge someone based solely on that either. But read her post again. She is making a judgment based on his use of porn which leads me to believe that she is affected by his porn use, as she would be by any man's excessive porn use. So for her, she needs a better class of man who will view her in a proper way. Now maybe that better class of man only occasionally views porn or does so along with her. Who knows. But based on her current feelings, his amount of porn viewing has her questioning her appearance, her self worth and her importance in the relationship. A better man would not let that happen.

So I will stand by my advice that she needs a better class of man. It is up to her to define what that means exactly for her.

have you talked to your current partner about this?

better/proper/better

feels like pretty judgy

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howsabout simply suggesting she look for a different man / a man who suits her requirements

As was already mentioned, just about every porn site has scads of videos of women who are not thin, blond, or even particularly attractive. There are popular sites devoted to women who are nearly obese...and to women who are out-and-out homely.

Guys get stimulated by variety...and many want to be true to the woman in their lives...so they do not cheat. But they do indulge their desire for variety by watching porn...using it as video Viagra.

The fact that it bothers you as much as it apparently does says more about you (not necessarily negative about you) than it does about the guy.

For the record...think of the five women you consider the most beautiful, sexy movie or television stars alive...

...and I guarantee they are married to people who often want to have sex with someone else.

That's simply the way most guys, not all, are wired.

My advice:

If the guy is treating you right...forget about the porn. If he is not treating you right, get another guy whether he watches porn or not.

Sure. And that would make him, in her opinion, a better class of man. But since we are simply disagreeing about the terminology here, I can accept putting it the way you put it.

Many people at different times in life will fantasize about sex with someone. Probably half (I've no idea and am not a statistic chaser unless I have to) of those people who fantasize at least sometimes, close to all of us on earth in numbers, are women.

Years before I ever had my first sexual experience - it was long ago and I was rather protected - I fantasized about a football player I saw on tv/listened to the games on radio, read about in newspapers, and.... prayed for. That was since it was suggested that I had a vocation to be a nun since in those years, believe it or not, medical schools frowned on women since they would only quit and get married, thus a waste of education time. Since I wanted to be a nun, or thought I did for a few months, I only fantasized kissing him and having long talks.

This is really no different that what goes on with many people who like porn. It's an enjoyment and oft times a help. A matter of degree, and results. (I don't mean all porn is somehow good, I'm saying that I'm not judging all of it as bad.)

Oh, and that player and his later pro football side kick both got caught in some illegal scheme. By that time I had grown up and laughed, mainly because Karras was funny.

~~~
So, what do I think: I think Bumblebee123 may change views over time, or well may not change views.
I think she is mixed up re being somehow dissed by this, but that is for her to decide and talk about with him.

We have a whole lot of threads here at a2k on the subject, filled with strong opinions against and for. That could be a place to start reading.
http://able2know.org/forum/porn/
http://able2know.org/forum/pornography/

I will guess that most of those posters are on the Against side.

You don't give any discussion as to his reasoning and logic as to why he watches porn. How often he watches porn, what he does or says when he makes love to you. You state "every man you've been with used/uses porn". That suggests that you somehow find out on every occasion that they do, is that the case? Most men honestly feel embarrassed and hide that fact. Perhaps each of your partners have a high libido, have sexual tension, were single for a long time before you came into their lives, have an addictive personality.

As Jespah stated find out more about porn and seek help in why it worries you so much it's not doing any good for your self esteem and if this relationship does not work out, then what if the next guy watches it as well?

Knowledge is powerful and helpful.

In every discussion I have ever had with "men" that view porn, they don't do it because the woman they are with is un-attractive after all they dated her at one point and then fell for her and entered a relationship.

Also not every man uses porn within their lives but if you don't seek help, you will I think believe that they do.

Pornography is pretty clearly part of normal human behavior. And pretty clearly there are many couples that accept use of pornography, either together or individually, without any harm to their relationship.

The best statistics I can find is that about 80% of American men have used pornography at least once in the past year, and that about 65% of American men have used it in the past month. I was a bit surprised to find that this includes Christian men.

http://www.christianpost.com/news/nearly-two-thirds-of-christian-men-view-porn-monthly-they-are-watching-it-at-same-rate-as-secular-men-says-study-125471/

If you will only be with a man who doesn't use pornography, you are cutting out a lot of perfectly good men.

In my opinion, the important things to look for in a partner are respect and kindness and passion and the ability to have fun.

I'm sorry? Is it? No it is not. Having sex as a youth perhaps experimenting finding ones ground perhaps.




Again this is wrong, there is certainly a percentage of couples that love watching porn together or accept porn and consequently as a result there is no harm done but what is that percentage Max.

Of course pornography is part of normal human sexuality. Humans have been making erotic images for tens of thousands of years and it is seen across cultures.

I would like to hear why you think it isn't a normal part of human behavior.

I couldn't find a statistic for the number of couples that use pornography together. I do not that there is a lot of pornography explicitly marketed "for couples" and a lot written about viewing pornography as a couple. I also know from experience that this can be pleasurable for a couple.

Humans are sexual beings. This is expressed through a variety of ways, there is nothing wrong with that.

I read your reasoning wrong. So my initial answer should be ignored.

If couples "choose" to watch Porn together, for the most part they continue on with a healthy relationship. Naturally the percentage that don't which is the OP, find it difficult to live with in the knowing that her/their partner does mainly due to self esteem but also non-understanding and thinking that it means they are not attractive enough or sexually enticing.

On the other hand a lot of the women who do Porn for money, had/have issues that they have had to deal with, within their lives. This part I find sad.

My dad was a nun. I know that because whenever he was in court and the magistrate asked him what his occupation was he would say, 'Nun.'

Baldrick from Blackadder.

My last girf really liked it when we watched porn together. The viewing never lasted 10 minutes, though.