The Insult Chain Game

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Right, sweetie. Just do like you always do you massive heifer and get the Chinese then waddle over to the burger joint and get your usual 3 platters of grease same as you do every night of the year.

Last night I had a very strange dream in which a man was zapped with electricity and turned into a short foam covered box. I am wondering if the spirit world was trying to send me a message...

More likely, all the heroin you consumed was sending your brain all sorts of strange messages, you dope fiend. Does your usual rehab facility give you a discount for being such a repeat customer? It sounds like you're just about due to pay them another visit. Don't worry, you won't be missed around here.

I'm expecting delivery of a rather large heavy package on Monday.

Actually, what you mean to say is your mother's coming for a visit.

It was 18C here yesterday and last night it snowed. Only in Calgary!

Not a very nice place to be on July 4th, but perfect for you and your extra kilos of body fat.

I'm thinking of building a chicken coop in the backyard.

Yeah, thinking about it is as far as you'll ever get you dimwitted schlub. Why not just stick with the cardboard box you kept when your neighbor got their side-by-side refrigerator/freezer? (After all, it's not like you'd know how to raise chickens anyway)


Word has it that the new mayor intends on increasing taxes in order to supplement his wanted plush lifestyle. It bothers me that he'd stoop to such levels and make the hardworking citizens dig deeper into their pockets.

Now your worried about the taxpayers burden???? Relax, you will not lose your position as town drunk but you might have to accept the title of village idiot as well. We all need to contribute, you should thank your lucky stars you have natural talent for both job titles.

I just got a text from Dick Clark, he wants me to co-host the 2015 New Years Rocking Eve party, I don't think I want to be in Times Square, think I'll decline.

He is dead you know. Get your head out of the clouds and read the obits! Jeez. Last week it was George Jones.

I going to buy some new hettles for my carpet loom.

Ha!!! You probably think Elvis is dead as well you morbid carpet weaver.

I think I'll light a few candles so mr. G and I can have a lovely candlelight dinner, tonight it's Popeyes chicken.

Ah, chicken scraps and bones from Popeye's dumpster, eaten by the light of a candle under the bridge. Given your indigent lifestyle, that's rather plush dining for the two of you. Too bad your panhandling didn't net enough for a bottle of cheap wine to enhance the 'romantic' mood.

I must get my tax returns done tomorrow.

Oh taxes, don't forget the millions of imaginary dollars you think you donated to colleges that don't exist. Hopefully, they won't throw you in federal prison again.

I think it's selfish of me to keep that Picasso in my living room, I think I'll donate it to Sarah Crittinton's home for unwed mothers. They are having trouble finding clients for their services.

Why would they want that torn and shredded print. It's not even a Picasso print. It's a Denny's placemat poorly filled in with red and blue crayon. And it looks like a 6 year old was trying to spell the word pistachio not sign it Picasso.

AS my flatmate is away on personal matters, I have to look after his pet turtle which I humbly admit is 4 years older then me.

No,the turtle is not older than you. In point of fact nothing is older than you, not even dirt is older than you. The turtle is to be fed and burped 4 times a day, I guess you misunderstood what your roommate said since you were busy picking the lice off your head again.

I am thrilled to bits practically that the 3rd annual NYC Burger Week festivities have started. There will be so many burgers to choose from and discounts as well...I'm not sure where to start eating.

I'm sure it will be a relief from eating that God awful slop you usually cook for yourself--starving wild animals wouldn't down that putrid mess you generally subsist on.

I got caught in a downpour yesterday and really got drenched.

It's about time you took some sort of a bath darling. Although now it'll be hard to tell you are approaching since the sickening stench has been removed (really loved that 3 block warning). I figure, 4 maybe 5 weeks you'll be back to "warning" level.

I read that the President of The Ukraine will be in the area next week, I wonder if it'll be possible to get his autograph and a few photos with him for my keepsakes box. I wonder if he'd like to go bowling as well...

I'm working on it.

Everyone knows your a Vladimir Putin fanboy! You don't really want an autograph. You just want to throw a dog poo covered sneaker at the Ukrainian president's head to score points with Putin. You political louse and fair-weather fan of Russian aggression.

I tried fried Brussel sprouts (at a restaurant, Lock Yard, in Bay Ridge) for the first time this Saturday. It was the first time I enjoyed eating the once-considered vile vegetable.

While it's nice you enjoyed the sprouts, it wasn't very nice that you began carrying on, very loudly, because your plate also contained some mashed turnips. Screaming, at the top of your lungs, "I HATE TURNIPS! WHY ARE THEY ON MY PLATE!" like an infantile 4 year old, and throwing silverware and dishes at the wait-staff, resulted in their calling 911, and your arrest for disorderly conduct, you immature jerk.

I have a ton of old paperwork I have to shred, and my home shredder's been acting up, which makes that hard to do.

You can't shred soiled toilet paper thru the shredder you unconscionable slob. We're you raised in a pig pen, she asked rhetorically?

I'll be teaching hygiene classes in Annapolis tomorrow. We expect the Fleet to arrive.

The thought of you teaching anyone, even a pile of sawdust is way beyond ludicrous. However, you indicated the real meaning when you mentioned that the Fleet would arrive. I had no idea you were in such need of an enema; but, that would account for why people keep saying you're full of crap.

Allergy season is really bad this year, the tree pollen is just making my eyes burn and itch constantly. I'm hoping the doc will prescribe something for me to help.