The Insult Chain Game

Your method of cookie making is pouring them out of a bag, placing them on a microwave plate and nuking them for 15 seconds- and still they burn. The only reason they seem to have fun is they love writing about your goofups in their journals and laughing about it for weeks on end.

My neighbor has invited me over for Christmas dinner, I hope they aren't seeing this as a first date.

bump

Good grief, you're such a social isolate, and so unaware of your lack of sexual appeal, you think your kindly 80 year old neighbor is hot to trot with you because she invited you to Christmas dinner out of pity. Don't worry, you paranoid, you won't be her main course, she doesn't want to date you, just go and be gracious, if you can manage to fake being gracious.

I am so relieved, all my main Christmas shopping is finished, and all my out-of-town gifts should arrive by Friday. I really do enjoy giving presents.

I bet everybody on you list is going to love the Christmas potato you sent them, you skinflint. I guess your bottle recycling efforts didn't do as well as last years copper gig.

I think tomorrow I will begin delivering food baskets for the needy.

Those baskets you steal from your local supermarkets, you thief? Your Lady Bountiful routine doesn't fool anyone, you've never delivered a food basket to the needy in your life, you steal the food and keep it for yourself, you creep.

I am just enjoying a delicious peanut butter kettle corn snack.

Just what you need you obese overweight piece of lard, no wonder your tom boys giving you the flick, you remind them of Moby Dick.

Taking my staff out for Christmas dinner tonight in the best restaurant in town, will set me back a five figure sum.

I think you mean it'll set you back a 5 finger sum--the number of $1 bills you can count on the 5 fingers of one hand. That means, Big Spender, you'll be treating each of them to a single item off McDonald's dollar menu, I'm sure they'll be snickering, behind your back, about your alleged "largess" for years to come, you cheapskate.

I'm happy that, in a few days, the days will start getting longer.

Great, now when you wake up at the crack of mid-afternoon, you will enjoy a couple hours of daylight squinting thru the curtains, cursing the bright light while you cope with your seismic hangover provided courtesy of mad dog 20 20 you hopeless lush.

I'm so excited, the Little Sisters of the Poor have agreed to allow me to invite George Clooney for their next fund raiser. He makes the most Devine pear preserves, goody.

He'll be excited, too. Your multiple cosmetic surgeries will have him thinking that your breasts are the most preserved, deveined, pears he's ever seen.

My only flaw is my excessive humility.

You wouldn't know humility if it came up and bit you on the ass you self aggrandizing pompous twit. You're the only person to ever congratulate themselves for being able to piss and moan at the same time, now all you need to do is learn to piss in a bottle or a toilet instead of your bed.

My shower fixture is broken and I really don't feel much like trudging over to the hardware store for replacement parts.

You never shower, bathe, or wash, anyway, so why bother, you smelly slob.

I've got to address and mail out my Christmas cards, so they'll arrive in time.

All you can do is send them to the monkeys at the zoo as you've got no friends.

I've been asked to sing at the Carols by Candle light festivities tonight.

Well, you are the best tenor among the inmates in your housing section, although the guards will be holding pocket flashlights as you sing, the warden is not about to trust the likes of you lowlifes around any candles.

I think I've got to put some wiper fluid in my car, and I can't find my funnel.

If your team of doctors ever allow you to wake from your sedative stupor, you will finally realize that not only do you not have a funnel, you don't have a car either to put windshield wiper fluid in. Your crazy tuchas has been residing in the Briarcliff Mental Institution these past 10 years.

This Saturday, I will be hosting my third movie and a dinner brunch meetup. I will be leading a group of 20 or so NYers to see the Spike Jonze movie, Her.
http://www.meetup.com/A-Dinner-and-a-Movie-NYC/events/151539822/

Come off it dude, all you will be hosting is a free meal provided by the Salvo's to yourself and your deadbeat mates.

My oil wells in the Timor Sea are providing a steady profit.

Your continuing delusions about your alleged oil wells, your private islands, your diamond minds, and the aliens you think have landed a space ship on your roof, are indeed providing a steady profit--for your psychiatrist, who lives a very comfortable lifestyle, thanks to your non-stop craziness.

Santa was very good to me this Christmas.

you got two lumps of coal?

almost bedtime for me and the cat.

Bedtime? You haven't gotten out of bed at all today, you lazy bum.

I hate the bitter cold weather we've been having, and it's going to return for a few more days.

You hate the cold??? You have so much sterno in your system how the hell would know it was cold you soused up strumpet. I suppose your drunken buddies told you it was cold, Ha!!!!

I need to find a way to let Hillary down gently, I don't want to be her Vice President. Unless of course there is a pay raise.

Hillary Nerdy has no intention of making you vice president of the Ladies Afternoon Cat Club, not after you've shown up stoned for the last 6 meetings, and you absconded with the $45 the club had collected to buy food for starving abandoned kittens, and, in case you haven't heard, you are now banned from any further association with the club, you heartless pot-head, and they are going to press charges against you for petty theft.

Because we've had such cold weather, I bought myself some new winter hats.