That's because your life is a mess and you can't be thankful for anything....
My hair is a bit messy....
Nice combover, by the way.
I just got DSL at home.
If by DSL you mean "dumped-slapped-and lied to" your probably right...
I just smoked a cig...
Now throw away those tissues at your feet.
I've only been married once.
That's enough!
I shall marry again, someday.
Poor bastard.
I had a lame bachelor party.
So the stripper had a penis piercing?
I'm winning my fantasy league.
Why is it that losers always fantasize about winning?
My band is going to be bigger than the Beatles.
If you mean your waistband, you are probably right.
I have pain in my knees.
I think you misunderstood when your friends advised you to "give him a piece of your mind."
I should count to three before tossing my joke grenades.
Counting down from 10 is probably beyond you.
I'm off to the gym.
It wouldn't hurt you to live at the gym.
I just bought some xmas decorations.
Should have bought presents,too.Its the only way you're getting any.
I left my cat in California.
Good thing too. Nasty, vicious creatures...
I might get a puppy.
Cheaper than buying friends, isn't it?
I looove puppies.
Hey,theres laws against that!!
I'm not making any resolutions this year.
Since you are incapable of keeping them, that's just as well.
My mother-in-law is about to be 89.
And she still can't get used to you.
I'm dreaming of a White Christmas.
Too bad you live in Compton.
It rained like crazy here yesterday.
Your conversational skills are soooo impressive.
Remind me to pick up more woodpecker food tonight.
