Why are you so obsessed with toilets?
I need a coffee.
No, you need a boob lift. The coffee won't help.
I so need the weekend to start.
No, you need to stop this love affair with your toilet.
I haven't made my bed yet.
If you want to call a pile of leaves a "bed", just arrange the leaves the way they were.
I need to clean out my fridge.
The green stuff is called mold, so you might want to take care of that first.
I think I'm going to take a nap.
Being well rested won't make you any more fun.
I'm celebrating St. Patrick's tonight at my favorite Irish Pub.
By "celebrating" I guess you mean you'll hang around the area where the waiters bring the used glasses and drink whatever you can find leftover in each one. Since it's St. Patrick's Day, maybe someone will take pity on such a loser and actually buy you a beer.
I had some Irish soda bread today.
Your recipe: Take a piece of Wonder bread, place on plate. Pour Sprite on top. Enjoy.
I'm going to pick up some Guiness on the way back from the gym.
I hope you sit down wind for the rest of the night.
I feel very Irish today.
You say that every time you get drunk.
I went fishing with my boys this afternoon.
If your kids believe that buying a pound of flounder at the local fish market is "going fishing", then they're as dumb as you are.
I woke up too early today.
Did you fall off the park bench?
Ironing today, sad ain't it.
What's really sad is the way you scorch and burn everything because you don't know how to use an iron properly. All these years, and you've never learned you can't leave a hot iron standing on your clothes when you decide it's time to break for lunch. I hope you've notified the fire department that you'll be ironing today.
Today is off to a great start.
You actually got out of bed before midday, well done.
I keep burning myself on the shiney bit of the iron.
Well... if you would stop touching the shiney bit you would stop getting burned... DUUUH!
I almost got ran over today while taking a walk.
If I had just gone a little faster...
Had to work all day today.
Your knees must be killing you.
I outran a pheasant today.
Hey... that's pretty good for an overall wearing... knee knocking... arthritis bearing... old timer like you!
Gus made me laugh today...
How? By outrunning a pheasant? You ARE easily amused.
Don't insult me.
Okay. Insulting you is really too easy, it's trying to compliment you that's the real challenge.
I have to start working on my tax return.
