Thats cuz youre 'bird brained'. Barump bump!
I couldnt resist.
You can't resist anything--including stealing, lying, cheating, using drugs, and having sex with anything that's breathing. Depravity must be your birth sign.
My horoscope said I shouldn't start anything new this week.
So getting out of bed is out of the question.
My horoscope says that I am not supposed to try and convince people that my point of view is the best.
How true that is, since your point of view is always warped, distorted, inaccurate and often bizarre. Only another idiot would listen to you anyway.
I need to buy some vitamins.
No, you NEED to buy some deoderant. You WANT some vitamins. And your lack of any financial income means that you cant buy either you stinky Vitamin A, B and C deficient broke ass.
I am tired of answering the phones.
There aren't any phones, your hallucinations have started up again. Substituting cocaine for your Haldol was a bad idea. The burly men with the straitjacket are about to come through your door.
It's very cold out today.
That's great! Now you have an excuse for staying in and doing nothing like you usually do!
I need to work on my tennis game.
After 40 years, you still haven't figured out how to play Pong? I think your brain circuits have burned out beyond repair from too many acid trips. Being fair game for everyone's potshots is the only game you're any good at, you dumb boob.
I just watched Dr Strangelove.
You saw the word strange and figured it would be about you...must have been a bit of a let-down.
I am incredibly sleepy.
No wonder. Staying up all night counting the number of times, per minute, your kitchen faucet dripped, and then graphing the results over a 24 hour period, really kept you from getting any rest, didn't it? You should be in the Guinness Book of Records as the world's biggest nerd.
I am making Chicken Cordon Bleu for dinner.
New from Alpo! Chicken Cordon Bleu!
I'm going to Washington DC next week.
How nice the school is letting the janitor go along on the class trip. I guess they'll need you to keep cleaning up the bus and picking up all the litter those sloppy, unruly kids drop. Too bad you won't get to see any sights--you'll be too busy helping to clean up the hotel rooms, in exchange for your free room and meals--but, at least, you can say you have been to D.C., which might impress those unemployed friends you hang out with at the bookie joint.
I'm thinking about going on a trip.
You've been tripping out on acid for 20 years now...what's one more trip?
The sun is starting to shoot through the windows of my lark room.
The "Lark Room" is what the cops call their roughest interrogation room--the place they use to get confessions and make suspects "sing like a lark". They already have a surveillance tape showing you snatching those purses from little old ladies outside the bank, so just sign the confession, before they really turn up the heat, so we can all be rid of miserable scum like you.
I feel very ambitious today.
Better lay down until that feeling passes, eh?
It's been a warm winter here in Phoenix.
I think they should turn the heating down in prisons it's Joe Public paying to keep you warm.
I'm having my hair cut tomorrow
Please don't - we'd rather not see your face...
It's not snowing here.... yet.
I am sure you will be ready with your knee pads and cut to size straw up your nose when it does.
I am tired and going home now.
Walking the streets every night is a tough job, particularly when you have so few takers. If you lost 60 or 70 pounds your business might improve. At least you avoided the vice squad tonight--even they don't want to bother with you.
I am reading a fascinating book.
Yeah, those Dick and Jane stories are real page-turners.
I'm watching an old movie...
